Archive for the ‘friends’ Category


Such a Loser.

February 15, 2011

One of my biggest problems is self image, I was so beaten down in the past about my looks and in general the person that I am. This makes me feel like I’m not allowed to do things that other people are allowed to do because if I do it then immediately that thing is made “uncool”.

This has come about today with getting my second tattoo, my self esteem is in the ground so when they’re nice to me at the tattoo parlour sometimes I think they’re secretly laughing at me for wanting something they consider interesting and “cool”. I reckon they think I’m just a wannabe. I still feel like that ugly overweight, young teen who was hated for who she was and how she looked. This is why I’d never go back to education, she rears her ugly head moreso when with large groups of people my own age. I suddenly feel innadequate and stupid and unworthy, even though they may not treat me any different.

I don’t know how to shake the feeling of such hatred towards myself, I want to feel accepted by others of course but I don’t know how to accept myself and that’s a big issue. I don’t know how to be happy with who I am. If I’m asked about my tattoo or my wedding I shrink because I fear judgement and conflict, I start to change the subject or just smile politely and pretend I’m busy. Why can’t I just be proud of me?


It’s not acceptable.

December 24, 2010

I know you probably still read this blog after blocking
communication with me, you got mad at me and blocked me online and
I felt so relieved. You had no right to get mad at me, you made me
uncomfortable, I am over 30 years younger than you and you would
say things that were damn right innapropriate, you would say you
loved me and that I was beautiful and it made me so anxious.
Basically, It’s really creepy for an older man to say these things
to someone who is 18. I know you make other people nervous too, you
need to set some boundaries, you shouls tell your wife you love her
but not young girls, especially not me and my best friend. You made
J nervous too, he didnt know you well and you were saying you loved
me. You actually argued with J and it basically ended up as an
argument over me! What is wrong with you? You don’t argue over
someones girlfriend! I’m too scared to make new friendships now
because I’m worried that they may try and be too close to me, that
they might become creepy and make me so uncomfortable. I hate
myself for letting it get that far but I’ve never learnt how to set
boundaries and the only way I knew was to keep ignoring you unto
you left me alone because you got mad. Maybe one day you’ll learn
some boundaries. I wish others would tell you though because
they’ve sure told me. I am terrified of you. Utterly terrified. My
social anxiety has amplified. You said that you had another friend
with BPD and that she didnt want to see you anymore. You blamed her
BPD but no it is you, you are clingy, I know you may still blame
the illness but as I said I know people who have told me you scare
them too. Dont send me another card or any texts. Delete my number.
Your card arrived and I started shaking, get away from me. Maybe
one day I can have friends again without having to worry they will
be inappropriately close to me.


Marriage and Mother-in-Laws.

December 12, 2010

You will probably see a lost of panicky posts about marriage and moving out in the next few months. I woke up this morning, looked at J and my head started buzzing with thoughts as usual, getting married, how scary, it’s what I want but how freaking scary. My whole life, my WHOLE life. What a terrifying prospect but there has been so much I’ve wanted to do and haven’t done out of fear and I’m not going to let anxiety win again. If I did then it’d definately be something to regret for the rest of my life. Now for me, EVERYTHING I ever want to do seems to be some constant emotional battle. I recently signed up to a child psych home course and my mum just said, but you’ll never meet people then. No, “that’s really great I’m proud of you for trying something new”, just a responce to make me feel useless, as usual. And she wonders why I never tell her things. Now when I say to my parents I’m getting married their responce will be “okay, when?” It’ll be vey emotionless and uncaring but I’m used to that. Then J’s parents will be completely the opposite (it seems to be a bloody rule in my life that everything has the two extremes involved), they will be against it and concerned but will hopefully come round when they come to realise that it is his life and not theirs. His mum will be the worst, she will want to take over, control, I don’t want her anyone near planning my wedding. She will be upset it isn’t in the Mormon church but to be honest if I turned around and said that I wanted it in the Mormon church we couldn’t anyway as we are unclean and unworthy to do so. This would then cause heartbreak and ultimately an emotional breakdown from feeling useless, like dirt and made the apologise for being a follower of satan. No, thank you. I’m kind of glad that I am eligible to make mother in law jokes though. Mwahaha.

I wish I knew why I felt so hated by his parents. They don’t seem to like when I’m over there and I feel his mother is one of those people that dislikes anyone who may take her children away from her. Also the fact that my parents adore J, well my whole family love J, just makes me feel like there’s something horribly wrong with me. I even feel he’s liked more. Funny huh? It’s supposed to such a happy day but all I’m worried about is the fact that I don’t want to show emotion infront of family incase I seem weak and vulnerable. I’ve always had to hide my emotions and be the strong one and to let myself be myself on this day I don’t know what I’m going to have to do.

At least wedding planning keeps my mind occupied. Dreading when the course arrives. Blergh, I have no concentration, hoping I can just finish it all really quickly and then the 6 months won’t be needed, I love writing essays. Just hope they send all the material at once. I love learning, mmmm.


Fund Raising!

October 30, 2010

I have made this new page to raise money for the UK mental health chairty Mind, I plan to do some sponsored events (If I can be creative enough) and maybe do some cake sales at my mind groups, anything I can to raise money! If you’d like to donate please go here thank you xx


Being Alone.

October 14, 2010

Dr L gave me a weekly schedule and made me write down one thing I would do each day to look forward too. She wrote down what I like to do, going to the theatre, blogging, cinema, reading, gaming and then she remarked “there doesn’t seem to be much here with other people”. I fell silent and then said “Yeah, I know but that’s how I like it, it’s less emotional work”, I added that literally all of my friends were now at Uni too so I couldn’t just walk down the road to see a friend anymore because everyones gone. She asked about all you lovely mentalists and I said sadly how we all live so far apart and can only have the occasional get together. If you all lived closer I know I’d see you a lot more. With the social anxiety, being alone, although sad sometimes is much more preffered. Speaking to people through a screen is fine for me and can make me feel less lonely.Every weekend I spend time with my boyfriend, so that’s my social interaction. Obviously my parents are at home and there’s the occasional “hello”. I’ve always preffered being either on my own or with something I’m really comfortable with and I don’t want that to change, what’s wrong with that? I don’t want to be a social butterfly, I like a lot of  my own space. When my friends were here I would see them on occasion and it’s not my fault they’re miles and miles away now but I honestly don’t mind being on my own. I can write and do whatever I want without having to consider what someone else wants to do. I have my friends on social networking sites and I talk to them and enjoy their “company” and knowing they’re there if I needed any advice. I mean the biggest seperator is the mental illness, I admit that, I feel safer around mentalists because if I’m feeling nervous or panicky at least they know what’s going on and know how to help. At the mad up I felt completely safe with about 20 strangers, and it’s all because we practically knew eachother deepest darkest “secrets” from our blogs so no one was hiding anything and it was all genuine. I knew I was safe with these people, whereas the thought of being surrounded by around 20 mentally ill people would terrify most…how things differ when you become part of something. I know Dr L will try and make me “get out there” but I’m okay with how things are now, sure I get lonlely sometimes but I’ve always been alone.


Social Anxiety Disorder, diagnosis number 2.

September 20, 2010

I always thought social anxiety disorder was for people with agoraphobia, I would never have thought my thoughts and actions towards other people were S.A.D because I am able to withstand being around people, just. I looked up social anxiety disorder and it shocked me, it wasn’t what I thought at all and described my feelings perfectly.

This especially surprised me:

“Generalized social anxiety disorder typically involves a persistent, intense, chronic fear of being judged by others and of being embarrassed or humiliated by one’s own actions.”

I just read this a few minutes ago while looking it up and now I just feel awful. I just thought those feelings were normal. I thought everyone worried constantly about what others were thinking about them when in social situations.

When with a group of people I will sit there nervous thinking “I bet she thinks my clothes are terrible” or “I hope they haven’t noticed that my eyebrows aren’t perfect” and I can’t enjoy social situations because of this. I feel like I turn back into the unattractive ten year old again who was overweight with huge eyebrows who was bullied for her appearance, when I’m around people I feel like her again. Obviously around close friends it’s different but around confident people or new people I feel completely insignificant compared to them. There will also be a person that I cling to a little just to feel safer. I know that all of these feelings have come from bullying from my family, church and peers. At one point I couldn’t be at church without my boyfriend at my side the whole time or I would have a panic attack.

I struggle to walk down the street without thinking “that person is looking at me and thinks I’m ugly” or I even turn away from people. I mean really confident loud people terrify me, I expect them to bully me for being shy, like they can smell my fear. I’ve been bullied in every community possible. Even primary school. Me and my friends were labelled as “freaks” by the “popular” girls who at 10 were looking at the boys and starting puberty early. I didn’t know why I was a freak I just knew I was one. At home I just had to trip on something and was shouted at and called stupid. I didn’t know why I was stupid I just knew I was.  Secondary school, the more attractive girls were intimidating and still are, I wouldn’t speak out of fear of being laughed at and if I did say anything in class I was called a boffin or if I said somehing wrong I would be laughed at. Then there was my GCSEs, I don’t know how I passed with nothing below a B. I was harrassed in my English class by a boy and girl, they called me the male version of my name and threw things at me and would sit right infront of me in class and just stare so close and laugh until I wanted to cry. My attendance was 75% in those two years, I missed at least a day a week, espcially thursdays and fridays when I had English. Yet I got 1 A*, 2 As and 7Bs in my GCSEs, I think would I have done better if it hadn’t been for them. If I saw them now I was be frightened. My friends would always get better grades them me too, I would get an A and but they would get A*s it seemed like it was some kind of plan by the teachers to make me feel beneath them. But that’s another insecurity thing. I fear every confident, cocky person in the world, I know that I’m just an embaressment and a joke to them and I better not say anything stupid. Fear of embaressment takes over my life. And CBT scares me because I feel that it makes me vulnerable. If I stop caring about getting embaressed I’m more likely to embaress myself because I don’t guard from it. How do you tell your brain “they’re not making fun of you or talking about you” when it’s always been the case?


My first CBT.

September 17, 2010

I just realised I forgot to write about my last session with Dr L so here it is: 

She said that from my questionairre the biggest problem was social anxiety…so now I have the social anxiety disorder label. I’m one who likes labels though I feel it helps me understand my behaviours more. Anyway, that was the biggest thing and then there was my relationship, the relationship not being the problems but the fear of losing it and my HUGE abandonment complex. Basically, if I lost him, I’d top myself. Apparently that’s not good. And she said that education and work was the third biggest problem although now I’ve started my own jewellery business and have my blog, I feel okay about not being in full time education like most other people my age. She explained that I need long term therapy but unfortunately it can’t be offered for a whole time with one person which really irritated me because of my abandonment complex, I will get used to one person and then get passed on. I’ve been too used to this. I also mentioned that a friend of mine was distraught after her therapy being abruptly ended and her abandonment issues kicked in. She agreed that this problem arises a lot and sometimes they make people worse rather than better because of this. But due to cut backs I can only see her for 5 months and then I will get passed onto somewhere half an hour away for some kind of group therapy. I don’t like the sound of it. After this she said “Okay, let’s get started” and I just burst into tears. She thought It was because I’d been disappointed but no, I replied through gasps “I just wish I didn’t need CBT, I don’t want to be ill.” So I never did have my first CBT session, she made a list with me of the advantages and disadvantages to help me feel better about having CBT and we came to the conclusion that if I didn’t have CBT I would probably end up killing myself at some point. Even though there were more disadvantages of having CBT I could come up with, the suicide thing kind of took over all of it.

I’m having my first session next wednesday and every wednesday after. Wish me luck.