When you have recurring feelings of emptiness and lonliness, sometimes the last thing you want is a human who can’t understand how you feel. I had a session with Dr L where I spoke of my night terror/panic attacks and my need for comfort in the night. I sleep with a light on and my door locked, my duvet up to my neck. I just don’t feel safe at night, this is where the problem comes, as J and I currently aren’t living together I can’t turn to him for comfort and reassurance and Dr L suggested that I have something to hug in the night so that I feel safer. I of course said “but aren’t I too old to have a cuddly toy in bed with me?”, she said that any technique that would stop me feeling fearful was worth it and that with my childhood robbed from me, I have a right to be a child sometimes. So off me and J went to Hamleys to look for a cuddly companion for me, I didn’t want a teddy bear, their stances mean that their legs go in to your stomach if you hold them, plus I wanted something different. I then saw this soft lovely beaked creature and when I picked it up and held it I couldn’t put it back, it was perfect. Soft, protecting and reassuring.
And here he is:
Even when me and J are living together I can still see myself having Pengy with me, It’s silly really how safe an inanimate can make me feel but it’s like when a child has an object that keeps them safe. I believe that with BPD there is a part of us that is still a child, that is yearning to have those comforts that children have because we never experienced them at the right time. I took pengy to my grandmas when I stayed there a week ago and unfortunately left him there so my sleep hasn’t been the best and I’ve actually become quite distressed without him, I hope this doesn’t become a problem and that I can get him back soon.