Archive for the ‘Gossip’ Category

h1

Social Anxiety Disorder, diagnosis number 2.

September 20, 2010

I always thought social anxiety disorder was for people with agoraphobia, I would never have thought my thoughts and actions towards other people were S.A.D because I am able to withstand being around people, just. I looked up social anxiety disorder and it shocked me, it wasn’t what I thought at all and described my feelings perfectly.

This especially surprised me:

“Generalized social anxiety disorder typically involves a persistent, intense, chronic fear of being judged by others and of being embarrassed or humiliated by one’s own actions.”

I just read this a few minutes ago while looking it up and now I just feel awful. I just thought those feelings were normal. I thought everyone worried constantly about what others were thinking about them when in social situations.

When with a group of people I will sit there nervous thinking “I bet she thinks my clothes are terrible” or “I hope they haven’t noticed that my eyebrows aren’t perfect” and I can’t enjoy social situations because of this. I feel like I turn back into the unattractive ten year old again who was overweight with huge eyebrows who was bullied for her appearance, when I’m around people I feel like her again. Obviously around close friends it’s different but around confident people or new people I feel completely insignificant compared to them. There will also be a person that I cling to a little just to feel safer. I know that all of these feelings have come from bullying from my family, church and peers. At one point I couldn’t be at church without my boyfriend at my side the whole time or I would have a panic attack.

I struggle to walk down the street without thinking “that person is looking at me and thinks I’m ugly” or I even turn away from people. I mean really confident loud people terrify me, I expect them to bully me for being shy, like they can smell my fear. I’ve been bullied in every community possible. Even primary school. Me and my friends were labelled as “freaks” by the “popular” girls who at 10 were looking at the boys and starting puberty early. I didn’t know why I was a freak I just knew I was one. At home I just had to trip on something and was shouted at and called stupid. I didn’t know why I was stupid I just knew I was.  Secondary school, the more attractive girls were intimidating and still are, I wouldn’t speak out of fear of being laughed at and if I did say anything in class I was called a boffin or if I said somehing wrong I would be laughed at. Then there was my GCSEs, I don’t know how I passed with nothing below a B. I was harrassed in my English class by a boy and girl, they called me the male version of my name and threw things at me and would sit right infront of me in class and just stare so close and laugh until I wanted to cry. My attendance was 75% in those two years, I missed at least a day a week, espcially thursdays and fridays when I had English. Yet I got 1 A*, 2 As and 7Bs in my GCSEs, I think would I have done better if it hadn’t been for them. If I saw them now I was be frightened. My friends would always get better grades them me too, I would get an A and but they would get A*s it seemed like it was some kind of plan by the teachers to make me feel beneath them. But that’s another insecurity thing. I fear every confident, cocky person in the world, I know that I’m just an embaressment and a joke to them and I better not say anything stupid. Fear of embaressment takes over my life. And CBT scares me because I feel that it makes me vulnerable. If I stop caring about getting embaressed I’m more likely to embaress myself because I don’t guard from it. How do you tell your brain “they’re not making fun of you or talking about you” when it’s always been the case?

h1

When I grow up I want to be a Psychiatric Nurse.

September 17, 2010

I just had SUCH a shock, my blog is features on a website (http://www.nursingschools.net/blog/) under 101 blogs to help you with depression. Bloody hell, that’s really made my day. I always wanted to be a mental health nurse from a young age, I wanted to help people who were ill like my dad. Then throughout the years I thought, would it really benefit me to be around people who may be seriously ill or would it trigger frightening childhood memories. I was heartbroken that I felt I couldn’t cope being a psychiatric nurse. Then , recently I realised I don’t have to be  Nurse to help people with mental health problems, my blog is doing just that. My dream of helping people with mental health problems has come true and I didn’t need a PhD to do it. Wow, and that’s really lifted it. I am doing what I always wanted to do 🙂 I didn’t fail.

h1

Fraud

September 9, 2010

Have you ever felt like you were always acting? Frightened people will see the real you? This is what identity disturbance can feel like, you’re not sure who you are or how to act to things so you act the way you feel the people around you will accept. You dont want them to dislike you and want to fit in. But then theres the feeling of not fitting in because you know youre acting, so desperate for approval. Opinions can change too, although you know you’re view you try and accept that opposing view so the person/people dont dislike you or start an argument with you. And you dont feel strong enough to fight for your view because you know everything they say will prove you wrong and being wrong is bad. So you play along and then when you leave you hope they didn’t think you were pathetic for agreeing with everything they said. And hope they don’t realise that you’re really just a bit of a fraud, trying so hard to fit.

I’m not speaking these words as truths but as the way of thinking I have. For example “being wrong is bad” is a way of thinking not a fact so please don’t think that’s what I’m saying.

– Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

h1

This Dr T business.

September 7, 2010

I have sort of a confession to make. I’m feeling horribly guilty about all this abuse towards her. My boyfriend told me that if it goes too far we are just as bad as the offender. And that’s something I’ve always preached, he knows me too well. No matter how wrong someone does me I will still feel guilt if I am the same back because then I am giving them another reason to be that way back and it never ends. I have always believed in treating people with respect and care no matter how wrong they do you because I, personally, don’t want to hurt anyone and doing so makes me feel horrible about myself. I guess all this that I have done has been to get approval from all the mentalists I have befriended. It isn’t me to talk bad about people. In a way I feel the way I’ve acted only proves what Dr T. has to say and I have decided to prove her wrong. I will write on the 4th of October against Dr T but gracefully without malicious intent, to propose a different view point.

Im sorry guys.

Yours, Savannah Borderline.

P.S. I will always be the “nice” girl. And yes it means I will probably get stepped on now and again.

h1

Guilt and Gossip.

August 9, 2010

Have you ever been made so guilty you had left something behind? I believe people who make you feel guilty to get what they want aren’t compassionate, aren’t caring but only selfish, they think about what they want you to do and if you choose something else then that’s not acceptable. And guilt tripping is the way that I have always experienced to try and get me to do what other people want…

Whenever I would return to this place after being away for a while I wouldnt be welcomed with open arms but cornered in an office with questions “where have you been?” “why haven’t you been?” “what illness?” “are you still in your relationship?” “what’s stopping you from telling me your deepest secrets?!” So I stopped going again. I tried going back a few times but the same thing would happen. I would actually be so nervous I would have to leave and only having my boyfriend there would keep me feeling safe.

I think another thing that shocked me was that even if I hadn’t been there the main culprit still seemed to know every detail of what was happening in my life and this means someone from facebook is telling him and it’s not my mum. I’m just astounded my life is such a big gossip interest. I saw someone the other day who said to me the usual “where have you been and why?” I just said I’ve been ill, hoping it’d stay at that and I could carry on with my evening and my anxiety would leave if they left but no, “what’s wrong then?” I hesistated and thought this isn’t any of his business really and I know if i told him the community would all suddenly be gossiping and my “illness” so I just shrugged and said just not feeling good.

There has been numerous times that something personal has happened and I’ve hardly breathed a word and suddenly I’d be bombarded with questions from gossip. A lot about my relationship which some questions have been horribly personal and when I haven’t given a good enough answer I have been pressed to “confess”. This is my relationship, what I do is my own business and nobody has a right, especially a grown man to ask about deep and personal things and press me further when I express feeling uncomfortable discussing it. If they don’t understand why I’m not coming back then they are blind to the distress I’ve been caused.

God knows I can’t live without my relationship, I tried because I was told by said person God said it isn’t right and I ended up in hospital so I believe it wasn’t God but him who was being ignorant and forceful. God wouldn’t tell me to throw away the person keeping me alive so I can be something I may not even want to be.

Again yesterday happened…this person said to my mum, I hear your daughter has her diagnosis. Get the hell away from my life and go and pray about your own “perfect” life. You don’t remember telling me this isn’t the life you wanted do you?

– Posted usingd BlogPress from my iPhone