Archive for the ‘Growing up’ Category

h1

I make him ill.

November 11, 2011

I know I do. I cause a lot of stress and when I cause myself so much stress it’s bound to cause him stress too. I make things harder than they should be and I definately make life more difficult for both of us. Women generally have a more stern approach to life anyay, whereas men are generally more laidback and that’s why women are known for nagging. It’s a tool to get men to do what they’re supposed to when they’re supposed to. And that pisses him off to no ends and causes a lot of tension. I just feel like I’m one big nuisance when a lot of the time I may just be trying to help. I try and get him to not stay up too late when he has to get up early but I’m just being a nag and trying to ruin his fun. I say not to be on the computer when he has a headache because it’ll make it worse but then to him I’m just trying to find any way to be with him and getting jealous of him being with his friends on the computer. I’m just a bad person, all I do is hurt him when I’m trying to do good. I make him feel the need to get counsilling because I make everything harder. It’s hard to like yourself when all you seem to do is make life harder for yourself and others. He agrees that life is more difficult with me than it would be with someone who didn’t have an illness but then anyone could agree with that. But then he says if I weren’t worth all the stress than why would he still be here? It’s a wonderful thing to hear but at the same time my head says well there aren’t really any reasons to stay with me, I wouldn’t stay with me. He says I’m worth it but I don’t understand how when I just cause stress and illness. We both always feel unwell, he’s even been told he has problems with anxiety now and I know it’s because of me. So now we’re both ill, both constantly stressed, anxious and depressed. Sometimes I think it would be best if I just left. He would so much happier without me. Whenever I’ve gone for the night, he will stay up all night until the early hours playing games with his friends and have a really good time BECAUSE I’m gone and I can’t tell him to go to bed. He will have a nice time because I’m not there to tell him what to do. But then when I come home and find out I just ruin everything again by telling him, it’s not good for him to stay up all night. Then he hates me. I know if i weren’t here he would game all day and all night, do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted and be a happy bachelor. He’s always dreamed of having a bachelor pad anyway.

It may seem starnge but on the game Sims people generally create the life that would like to have. I have always created myself with a partener to start off with, I’ve never started off alone and I become a writer, my husband works and I pop out kids and that’s my life. J always starts off alone and usually stays that way, he works, plays games and plays music and if he runs out of life wishes to fulfill he might get married to someone on the way. It says a lot and actually worries me because I know his dream life would have been to be alone and have a computing/music career and I just happened to walk into his life for him to fall in love with me and ultimately fuck up his whole life plan. It’s not his fault he fell in love with me but maybe if he hadn’t have he would be happier now and less unwell. I never ever want to leave him and sometimes I feel selfish for feeling that way.

h1

Becoming an adult and Runaway Brides.

January 12, 2011

My session with Dr L today was nothing more than enlightening. Very hard but enlightening. I’ve uncovered why I’ve been having panic attacks over the wedding and it’s not just the usual nerves. It’s been something I’ve battled for about two years, the fear that if I grow up my parents would have never looked after me. That I will never have to opportunity to really be a child. I remember on my 18th Birthday crying my eyes out and not really knowing why, I knew I didn’t want to be an adult but I hadn’t really uncovered why. I think I first started realising when my mum started saying to me “You’re 18 now, do it yourself.” I was no longer allowed to ask for any help or any advice because now I was an adult, I would have to do absolutely everything alone. Or that’s how it felt. My parents have never done that much for me but losing the bare minimum is still heartbreaking. The older I get the less they want to even be a part of my life. That’s why I am getting so depressed over getting married because it’s like losing my parents, they won’t even really be parents anymore. The little they do now that gives them the right to call themselves my parents will surely be gone when I leave home and get married. The idea of losing the smallest hope that my parents will ever care sends me into a frenzy of panic which triggers my emotional fight against marriage.

I know that I want to marry J, It’s what I want. I have to keep remembering it is not the marriage that is making me depressed and frightened, it is what I am conquering within myself. If becoming a wife sends me over the edge then so be it, but I will go over the edge with my husband by my side, every step of the way. For a while I will cry, almost like mourning, for what I will never have. But I know that somehow will come acceptance and realisation that I have something more, something better that I can build my future upon. My parents may not be by my side, but J will be, loving me and caring for me more than they have been able to show. My parents will still exist of course but without them physically being there it will be like I don’t have parents, there won’t be any role that they fulfill anymore, they’ll be rid of me and live their own lives as they always have, just this time I won’t be there to feel neglected and unloved. I’ll still see them sometimes I guess, it will be uneventful and with the instability and ridiculous comunication methods It probably won’t be often.

This fear of leaving my childhood behind without being able to have it fixed now by my parents is something that will hurt for a long, long time. But I know that acceptance can somehow make it less painful. To step into adulthood and say my childhood is gone and I can’t get it back feels like it’s going to be the biggest challenge in the world. I’ve tried to hold off moving into proper adulthood for a while now and I am going to walk down that aisle straight into it, even if I have to be dragged kicking and screaming.

I can understand why some brides do run, It’s bloody scary. I see this big door infront of me and I’m being pushed towards it straight into commitment and I’m pushing as hard as I can backwards so I don’t have to become an adult and have responsibility. I’m shouting “but I’m only 5, I can’t get married!” it’s like an image of what happened when I was a child, I was forced into adulthood when I was only a child yet this time I am an adult and I am choosing for myself to make this commitment. Yet sometimes I still feel like a child being put under more stress than I should. Reverting to a childlike state is one of my defence mechanisms, it makes me feel more protected. God knows why, it was when I felt least safe but It’s just how I work. I want to get married, I just need to learn to let go. I can’t be a child again, she’s gone and I have to become a woman now.