Archive for the ‘Guilt’ Category

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Self pity.

August 28, 2011

I’m not usually this bad. I simply have to turn the TV on now and I started crying. I watched the simpsons and Homer told Lisa he loved her and I started crying so I turned over to supernanny and the mother was playing happily with her children and I started crying so I turned over to X factor (as a last resort) and the singer was getting praise from the judges and his family and himself were so happy with his achievement so I just turned the bloody thing off. Everything was reducing me to tears. Everything is such a mess. Yes I may be getting away from it all but I’m leaving behind a hospitalised father and a mother who I suspect has autism. She doesn’t recognise that I have ever done anything to make her life any better, although I have been dad’s carer all my life and slept in the same bed with her for 5 years of my late childhood because she said if I didn’t dad would rape her. I’m leaving and all she can do is tell me how useless I am. I’m trying to think of moving forward and starting the new but seeing what a mess my parents are in tears me apart. I don’t feel guilt, I just feel shame and pity. Most teens moving out of home have parental support, while I’m still crying over the fact that my dad can’t even see me off into a new life because he’s in the psych ward. What a way to leave. I’ve always hated the expression “why me?” because the people who use it are often getting upset over a tiny matter in their otherwise okay life but I’m going to say it…Why me? I’m a good person. I don’t know what I did to make all of this happen.

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Dear me,

June 29, 2011

Dear Little Me,

Why did you have to be so awkward. There are reasons why they never liked you, why they used you. Even your parents couldn’t love you enough, especially her, she only loved you if she wanted something. And he was always selfish, you were always second. Why couldn’t you just be good enough. You were always overweight and disgusting, that’s why they laughed at you. That’s why they called you a freak. You were just weird, not good enough to be their friends. They were better than you. Sure, you were smart but who cared about that? You thought maybe being smart would get you somewhere even if you weren’t attractive but you were just too quiet to be noticed. Plus, your friends were smarter than you anyway, so you were never smart enough. I know you tried to look nice but you made a fool of yourself. They laughed and asked what was on your face or what had you done to your hair. You just could never get it right. Your clumsiness made you stupid, your clumsiness made them hit you. You stupid child. Nothing made sense in your world anymore, you could never figure out why you were hated. But did they need a reason, you were just destined to be locked away. You hid a lot, I know, it was safer to be alone. You cried and made sure no one heard and if there was a knock on your door, your face was immediately bright and cheerful, of course nothing was wrong. But maybe you deserved to cry? Not that it mattered. No one would come. No one would know what to do with you. Even if they did, they would get sick of you and leave at the first chance. Why did you keep going? I don’t know what possessed you. Did you believe that one day, you would be saved? What made you think they would suddenly change and take care of you. Are you delusional? I think so. Who in your life has never stabbed you through the heart? Everyone is destined to break you because you are breakable. And hell, do you deserve it.

Love Adult Me.

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Doomed before the beginning.

February 5, 2011

Do you ever feel like your background dooms you to a life of misery and failure?

In my family only one person (not including me) is in a happy relationship, however this is her second marriage. Not one person is my family has gotten it right first time and except this one person the rest are single and my parents are unhappily married. I feel like my relationship is doomed before we’re even married. With such an unhappy family and with the issues running throughout, I feel like my happiness is only an illusion to keep me going and that something has got to kill us before we get too happy. The fact that the majority of my family are over 50 and single and never had any parteners in the last 18 years makes me wonder what the future holds for me. I often wonder if I mistake my severe neediness for love which results in panic attacks due to the thought of not actually being able to love how normal people do. I then feel severe guilt for stringing J along because I don’t really know how to love. These awful thoughts and panic attacks really mess with our relationship and with my head. I love J. But my head doesn’t want me to, my head wants me to be alone so I don’t have to ever have conflict or become an independent adult in the outside world. My head wants me to hide away and be alone. My heart wants to marry J and start a new life and leave the past behind.

The problem is following my heart over my head. Because every now and then my head wants me dead.

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A-d-d-d-diction: TRIGGER WARNING. -J

December 15, 2010

The first things that always comes to mind are hard drugs and alcohol, sometimes extending towards sex/prostitutes/gambling (i.e. the glamorous life ;] ) but it’s the quiet ones; the simple, succulent subtle self-services that keep our days ticking over. Well all have them, don’t deny it…..

What’s yer poison?”

*SNAP*

It’s gone. It’s all gone, you feel EVERYTHING closing down, falling in, it’s all lots it’s all gone. GONE.  Look up, see the sky, see it shrink – feel the sunlight leave your skin……… nothing left…….

Think about that for a moment; really think about it. Now imagine it, imagine how it would feel to lose the most important thing that’s been keeping you going for a very very, long time.

That’s when people realise, that’s when they see what has happened – you’re dependant. You’re utterly, completely, undeniably dependant on that one thing, that one key vice that you’ve physically and mentally bound yourself too in order to prop yourself up in the swirling storm of life.

Then all can see the perfectly pinnacle point of pressure released all at once when you lose your vice. Viciously vicarious, you wish you could replace – yet only to find an equally seductive replacement.

So you’re dependant? So you freaked out like all hell was breaking loose and freezing over at the same damn time when you lost your one deliciously dependant lifeline and guess what? It’s your fault. It’s always your fault.

At least, that’s what other people will tell you, that’s what they’ll think and you can bet that’s what they’ll believe too.

Why? Ignorance; where? Anywhere it occurs; what? Well anything, you’re clearly a bad person to be so dependant on anything; who? Anyone, it doesn’t matter, people think they know – they think they can tell; when? The instant it becomes apparent – and it will become apparent.

People see the consequences not the causes because consequences are easy to see, easy to spot and easy to assume the cause of.

Alcoholism? – Clearly an alcoholic drunk, they made a specific decision to become dependant on the devil’s breath and they must, therefore, suffer the full consequences.

Or not? Perhaps? Free will has it’s part to pay of course, there was at some point in example A’s life when they decided hmm, maybe if I have another drink, it will make my day that bit better. Then the next day, then the day after that and before you know it; you’re dependant. You need to have your fix because if you don’t you don’t want to keep existing without it and the only thing other people see is how it’s your fault for deciding to become addicted, you clearly aren’t mentally and physically capable enough to control your own life and surroundings and thus don’t deserve to have full control over them.

Which came first? The chicken or the egg…

My point being it’s never that clear cut and only myopic fools consider their instantaneous judgement of such a complex situation to be instantly correct. Sure, people become addicted and lose control of their life. Yet similarly: Sure, people have had control over their life taken from them. Now how easy is it to decide which came first?

What is addiction? It is a defence mechanism, as common as any other, inherent in every human being on the planet.  So you’re saying people that becoming addicted to a certain something are doing it because they’re under attack?

Why yes, yes I am. Addiction is a defence mechanism because it is a Coping mechanism; it internalises any and potentially all problems we are unable to resolve normally by any means and thus ignore, or just aggravate unconsciously – resulting in addiction. With things out of your control, you find something you can control to give you ever essence of release you are in dire need of because you’ve tried and you sure can’t find it anywhere else. Yet only when you’re waist-deep in the glorious glorious freedom of addictive release do you realise – you can’t get out and as soon as that addiction goes nothing can get out. You kick and you scream and you sue the world for all it’s wonders just for that next delicate drop of release.

People CAN control how they act but so can other people too. You can’t look at one person’s problems objectively without looking at least five other’s too. That is because as a social species, we are constantly interconnect and interacting with each other.

“Where mister, are you getting your facts?”

Why from observation of course – and the sad sad truth of personal experience.

So people can cause other people to find other, unconventional methods of dealing with someone else’s problems forced, unknowingly, upon them. Then it is a downward spiral and only when you’re halfway on your way to doom and despair do people realise that something is amiss – and then they blame it wholly-incorrectly on the addictee.

Addictions can be broken, you can escape and the point I’m trying to make is keep trying. Search for help where you can find it and where you may have the slightest inkling that your confidant may understand. That’s what’s helping me, and there are more than one (although not that many more…) and they can do their best to help salvage your situation and tackle the real problems, you know the kind of people I’m on about and if you don’t…. open your eyes and realise that they’re already there, just waiting for you to reach out.

Addiction is one of the few real tragedies in life and the blame is almost always impossible to pinpoint entirely; nor is it ever usually sensible to even try. Addiction can be beaten but first it must be understood. Once and only once you know your enemy in it’s entirety can it be stood up on two feat and defeated finally.

It may never leave, it’s rotting corpse may haunt your memories, I know that those explosive moments when you fought for freedom will continue to scare the living daylights out of you but I also know that they will pass and they will fade. I know that as you begin to fully appreciate your situation that you can begin to conquer it and that as you do, that rotting corpse of what was once that most sweet sweet joyous release will fade, ever further into your past as you step up and step forwards into the rest of your life. Free from addiction.

Yes assertively assailing assonance is assuredly one of mine most actively appraised addictions. It is small and may it never end.

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Hate is a strong word? Then it’s perfect.

December 2, 2010

If I were still in the Mormon Church I would be classed as unworthy because of my feelings towards my family but that’s ignorance right there. How can you forgive something that is ongoing and never stops?

I think I’ve had just about enough, now don’t you dare think this is a teenage “my parent’s don’t understand me, I hate them!” balls because I scream. I have been neglected, abused, stepped all over, guilt tripped and emotionally blackmailed so many times and It has wittled me down to almost nothing. My CBT has opened up a lot for me, my excuses for letting my parents do these things to me and not stick up for myself were that I felt sorry for them and they’re both ill. But I can’t carry on giving in to my mum’s emotional guilt trips or my dad’s blackmailing, they may be ill but that doesn’t mean they have a right to use and abuse me. I am their daughter, I shouldn’t have to take my mum to hospital if she feels ill or put my dad’s socks on every morning, I am fnejfwuniu sick of it all. I want out. I want f***ing out, now.

Mum

I was born to love mum. She wanted a child because she wanted a living “thing” to love her unconditionally and make her feel good about herself and be hers forever. She would then get angry and abusive to this thing if it didn’t give her what she wanted in love and affection or if it had it own needs. How dare it have it own needs. How dare it cry, hit it that should (as she’d say) “shut it up”. She says she never loved dad and just wanted to be looked after all her life, this has been the case financially anyway. I’m sure that she did love him but when things got tough and he had a breakdown she claims she never loved him so she had no responsibility for caring for him. After dad’s breakdown it was all about her, she was the poor wife who’s husbanhad a breakdown. Little S was left to fend for herself. Mum would go away a lot to “get away” leaving little S feeling scared that dad would kill her in the night, he would become psychotic. Little S didn’t know what was going on or where mummy had gone or if she was going to come back. Then when mum came back little S was expected to be excited about her return and love her all the same, she would cry when mum went away and be hostile when she came back. Mum wouldn’t have any of it, she wasn’t doing anything wrong and should be love unconditionally no matter what she did/does.

As I grew up, she was possessive, didn’t like me liking other family members, I was her posession. I felt guilty seeing my my aunt who I love because I knew it would upset mum and make her feel unloved. I remember once to get back at her I made a photoboard and had pictures of me and all of my family members seperately except her, I was sick of how she treated me and I wanted her to know that. If I was upset I hid and cried alone, I would be told I was silly for crying and my feelings invalidated. If she cried I had to comfort her and tell her I loved her, even If I didn’t feel it at the time. Once I just screamed “BITCH!!” and she ran into the kitchen crying and shouted “nothing loves me, I’m going to kill myself!!” It makes me so so angry just writing this, how dare she threaten suicide to a little girl. How dare she play the victim when I was the one hurting and why the hell should I have had to comfort her? But it’s what I did, I reassured her she was loved and then shut myself in my room. I konw what you may be thinking, it sounds like she has BPD right? Well that’s what I think and I said to Dr L that I feel hypocritical getting angry at her for BPD traits but she told me that I shouldn’t because at least I’m getting help and trying to change. Which is very true, I hate myself for my BPD traits and I actually feel guilt whereas my mother seems to feel no guilt and not care about anyone but herself. Now that I am ill, she is invalidating, doesn’t understand why I feel the way I do, she blames herself sometimes and I don’t correct her. As she is correct anyway. She says that she’s able to have a job, she’s able to live her life. This makes me feel worse but then I remember that she is miserable and she only has herself to blame for it, she hates her husband yet she still lives with him and his finance which is incapactiy benefit, while using her own wages for her leisure, why should contribute eh? She’s unhappy. It’s not like she could move out or anything is it, it’s not like she could start a fresh new life without him and maybe be happy. Heaven forbid.

Dad

Well dad has Bipolar, although doesn’t mean his behavious too can be excused. I know pleasantly nice people with Bipolar who love their kids more than anything. I know my dad loves me, he is just unable to show it. I have always been a daddys girl, not neccesarily because he was the most loving but he was the only one who took me out places and always wanted to do things with me. He would love to take me to the farm or to watch football with him and I never remember doing anything like that with mum or her even coming along. I’m never sure what behaviour and Bipolar and what behaviour was just him but everything I did was wrong, If I accidentally knocked something or fell I was a “stupid child” and hit until I screamed and ran away. If i was ever hyper I was told to shut up and stop showing off, I was always such a quiet child. I learnt that if I was quiet then it meant I couldn’t do or say anything wrong. I still managed to somehow though. Not to mention I had no clue until about 2 years ago when I asked dad what illness my dad said and he said “I think it’s Bipolar” and then I actually knew, before then I wasn’t even told what was wrong or what was going on. There is no communication and if you want to know something in the family, you’ll either find out by asking or by asking a million irrelevant questions until something happens to come out. He was hospitlised 3 times and to me it felt like a limetime and I would always cry in my room alone because I wanted my daddy back. I didn’t know what was going on and why everything was so chaotic, I only remember that mum never wanted to visit and always complained when we did go. I’ll never forgive her for being so uncaring. But then it seems as I’ve gotten older he’s realised that if his wife won’t look after him then his maturing daughter can take to the wife role, take him to appointments, do the shopping, put his socks on, make sure he take his meds and the like. Now this has all happened in the last 2 years and It’s the most degrading feeling to have someone tell you to put their socks on and then if you don’t they stress and scream and cry if you don’t. I HATE emotional blackmail and I hate that my mother sits back and allows this to happen, I say to her I don’t want to do it and she says I don’t have to but who else will make sure he doesn’t have another break down, she bloody sure won’t.

I really really am praying (figure of speech) that I can get out next year with J, he wants to go to Uni far from here so we can both just live and get away from this horrible pain, anxiety and stress. We both need to release form our restricting unhelpful parents. He wants to live with me near wherever needed and start a “real” life.

Sure, I’ll have to look after him but the difference is, he will look after me back.

Of course I have the panic of, what the hell will happen to my parents. My mum will surely hate me for leaving her and will do anything she can to be spiteful and childish. Dad will care that I’m going but he won’t show it, he will support my choice and be happy for me. Please let me get out, please, get me out. I can’t die here.

It’ll be sad to never have my parents involved in my life but in all honesty, they have earned no rights to be.

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It’s the little things…

November 21, 2010

It’s always the little things. Those small little moments; some you cherish, some you don’t…

Today had one of the latter.

What started out as joy of seeing J for longer since he has an inset day and I asked if he’d stay over from the day before but then it turned sour:

“Cutie :p i might go to cinema on fri with<best friend> tho if thats okay… Xxxx”

Which instantly leads to disappointment, since I wouldn’t be able to see him after he’d already told me he’d had an inset day and would be able to see me then only to later tell me that he won’t be seeing me after all…

Okay I’ll stop pretending to be S now, I need to study her prose more closely to pull it off even remotely convincingly…

Anyway, what was a simple text informing S that I potentially wouldn’t be seeing her for the whole day received the usual blunt, emotionless but secretly angry and disappointed text that follows any sort of change of plan that leaves me having less time with her:

“So there was no point in the day off”

You get used to that kind of response, you begin to tell yourself you know when it’s coming and exactly what it means but sometimes, when you’re sitting alone in the dark, trying to catch up with the work you probably should have done ages ago; instead of gaming or seeing her to make yourself happy, you end up just giving an equally angry response back:

“Im sorry i havent seen my best friend in ages, i appologise that its such an inconvenience to you”

Yeah, it was nasty and spiteful and was just me snapping back at what I’d interpreted as her being about to snap at me. Then come the death threats:

“Yeah it really is i’ll just go kill myself now im so devestated. Dont get pissy with me for being upset over a change of plans that is told to me after I make plans.”

Boy, I shouldda seen that coming but unfortunately it’s only then that I realise me allowing myself to snap back always ends up with everything worse off. So I try to salvage the situation:

“It’s just difficult sometimes when i always feel that anything other than just seeing you seems to hurt you so much x”

Sad but true, at least in my opinion. I always sacrifice catching up with work the easy way with seeing her and I know she’ll instantly rebuke that saying I should spend less time gaming and more time doing work. The problem is that seeing S isn’t always has happy and cheerful as it can be, or as sometimes with both need it to be. The result being she needs to see me even more, yet I feel I should see her less to try and make myself happier by gaming with friends so that I can get through the next day. Now I’m not defending how much I game, I know that I do it too much and that I need to cut down, I guess I’m just wishing for someone to understand that sometimes it’ll be one of the few things that gets me through the week.

Still worried at the all too-real threat of suicide or at the least self harm I send another:

“Please don’t kill yourself, I love you xxxxx”

Then the reply:

“Your text was hurtful. Putting mean words into my mouth. And its nothing to do with seeing <best friend>. Its because you got me all excited about your day off and now im disappointed. Whyre twisting it to something else x”

Yeah, it was hurtful but so was yours to me. I didn’t mean to put words into your mouth, you’ve done that so many times it’s only natural to expect a repeat and I meant to tell you before, honestly I did but I forgot. When things are okay when I’m with you I’m always so filled with love for you but I always fail to express it other than saying ‘I love you’ then forgetting a minute later and saying it again… and again…. and again… Although this time I saw you I did buy you flowers, I was going to get blue ones but I thought I always get blue, perhaps orange for a change… you like oranges right? I felt bad when I got them though because they were quite cheap, at least a lot cheaper than I was prepared to pay… but I’d have felt silly with a small bunch of bright flowers… so I only got two in the end.

Then another text from her:

“And im not going to kill myself i was being sarcastic because that text i sent is how you see me.”
Oh…. well, okay. I’m crying now writing it, you can never Ever ignore a threat like that but it turns out she was just snapping back at me again… Oh.

Well yes, sometimes that is how I see you. I know that you are and can be very fragile sometimes, what might’ve been trivial to me is a huge, drastic change to the week for you.

I guess next time I just have to wind myself up tighter, keep myself on a higher alert, keep my guard up… so that I don’t make a silly mistake and forget to tell her something, even worse, to then snap back at her when I struggle to do the work that is expected of me…

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Inking out the stigma- the day!

November 16, 2010

Well as you may or may not know, I am trying to raise money for the mental health charity Mind. And todaaay I got this! No pain no gain huh? 🙂 sponsors so far have been £35 so my pages money will be rising! my just giving page now has £39 without all of the sponsors counted. I know it may not seem much but to a charity every penny is vital! And my tattooist said he donates to mind monthly so when I went to pay him he said no charge! Score 😀