Archive for the ‘Help’ Category

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The drinking culture.

October 17, 2011

There are two kinds of people who don’t drink. The extreme religious types and recovering alcoholics. I am neither and I don’t drink, yes I used to be very religious and learned my morals from a church but now I am no longer part of a religion I have chosen to keep the values which I feel will benefit my life. I don’t know if I will ever understand the concept of getting drunk for fun. I am not slating any of you who drink as I respect your right do to so, so please don’t attack me unnecessarily. I just don’t get it? I understand how someone would drink to numb the pain or self abuse but for fun? I am someone who constantly feels out of control and the last thing I would want is to really be out of control. As a young adult it does make me feel a bit of an outcast that I don’t want to drink alcohol and get drunk but then I’ve tried it once or twice and just felt like a fraud. It just wasn’t me, it wasn’t what I wanted to do. So now I’m weird because I don’t do it. I just don’t see how making an idiot out of yourself and then throwing up continuously can be seen as exciting? It sounds frightening to me. I don’t want to lose self respect or wonder who I may have slept with. I’ve had so many people really attack me for saying I don’t want to drink, it’s like instead of people hearing “I don’t like drinking alcohol” they hear “I hate black people”. I wrote this post because I was discussing Uni with a friend and he said “I’ve heard the first year of Uni is great because you get to get pissed all the time!” Great…I thought, isn’t University about studying for your future? All I hear outside my window every night are drunk people screaming or shouting at or attacking each other and it makes me scared. I remember a “friend” who said I was very high and mighty because I don’t like getting drunk and I just felt like I was talking to a brick wall. Everything I said was wrong and to him I hated everyone who drank alcohol but that’s not true. I dislike the alcohol. I have people in my family who NEED to drink to be sociable or loosen up and it makes me sad that they can’t achieve these things without being a little intoxicated. It’s a problem that nobody sees as a problem. We should be able to have fun without alcohol shouldn’t we? I can’t even count how many time I’ve heard “How can you have fun without drinking?!” And I just think well, I just don’t drink and enjoy other people’s company or whatever I’m doing. Isn’t it that simple? I’m not saying don’t have a drink to have fun I’m just saying people shouldn’t think it’s impossible to enjoy life without a few drinks. I’ve known alcoholics and how destroyed their lives can become and how it effects the people around them. Yet we freely allow ourselves to say “I need a few drinks to get loosened up.” There shouldn’t be a need…right? Or am I just horribly ignorant…Why am I so horribly different? And why do I have to feel so outcast because I want to have control and don’t enjoy the taste of alcohol. I don’t understand. All addictions are harmful and I just wish people were more careful. There are so many people who when they are upset, get a drink. That’s one of the bad habits that can turn anyone into an alcoholic. And nobody deserves to have to suffer with addiction. That’s why I don’t drink. If only I didn’t feel the need to have an excuse to not drink.

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Parents, growing up and suicide.

May 2, 2011

Well, wouldn’t you expect a happy blogger after getting hitched? Tis not so. Everything has gone excessively worse in my life since. Not my fault of my marriage but everything else (Okay I admit being married is called borderline anxiety problems but leave this for now). While my anxiety has increased massively since getting married and being diagnosed OCD, I knew something else had to go crazy in my life because my life can’t just have one huge problem at a time. Since I’ve gotten married my dad has finally said that he wants to divorce mum, this is a God send because their marriage is part of the reason that I am, well, writing this now. It just seems so many years too late for it to actually benefit me but at least for it to happen now means that my dad may be able to benefit, as for my mum she is socially inept, can’t make friends, is easily bullied, has a low paying job and has narcissistic tendencies and I believe BPD. I can’t imagine her ever being happy with any situation. Even though I am trying to fuel this divorce, along with my dad’s sister, every now and then I break down and cry. I know I’ve never really had a family as such but the fact that they were physically in the same home meant I could pretend.

I went to the in laws yesterday and it was my father in laws birthday, the family gathered round the table and a cake was brought out as the family sang and my heart broke into a million pieces. Even though my husband’s family are also quite dysfunctional, they love each other and do nice things for each other. I’ve never EVER witnessed either of my parents do something nice for the other and it hurt so much to see that even the most dysfunctional family can still be a family. It hurt that I don’t have a family. I have a mother and I have a father but no family. And now I’m married, I have even less of a family because the part of my parents that made me feel like I had parents was the occasional care of which now they feel they don’t need to give because I’m my husband’s responsibility now. I had this particular conversation with my mother yesterday.

I came home from the in laws for my mother to casually say “your dad went to hospital”, I questioned why she didn’t call to tell me of which she just shrugged her shoulders (her usual response to anything to do with dad) , this then brought up a conversation about how I’ve always loved dad more and how she needs to see the one she loves again (her celebrity obsession who has stepped over the boundaries by being her “friend”). She said she didn’t want to tell me that she was going away because I would “go off on one” I didn’t I said to her, “He (the obsession) cannot solve your problems.” To which she cried to my husband “see I told you, there she goes”. I tried my up most not to judge her and to just tell her that this celebrity can’t make her huge life problems better. She sees me as attacking her no matter what I say, I told her that she needs to sort out this home situation too and that she should of left years ago. She, of course, attacked me again, “you said you wanted to live with dad and he would’ve of raped you!”, she’s playing the hero, living with him to protect me. My dad has never touched me in any way that has ever been inappropriate. If anything she’s been the one who’s been over sexual with me throughout my childhood. She starts to tell me that she is trying to sort out the situation at home, so I asked her what she’s trying to sort out. She wouldn’t tell me, she said now I’m married and moving why do I need to know what’s going on with my my home because I’ll be gone. I told her that just because I’m leaving doesn’t mean I’m just forgotten about but she was set in her view that if I’m gone then I no longer exist in her life and it’s not important what goes on in my family because she doesn’t seem to understand that anything would emotionally effect me. She has a very one person view, she can only understand the way that things affect her. I thought maybe she was going to try and sort out a divorce as well so I tried to get her to tell me what was going on because how ridiculous would it be for both parties to be filing for divorce and the other not knowing. You can see how much communication there really is. She ended up saying how she doesn’t want to say anything because it’ll cause problems, J kept telling her she had to tell us. So she starts crying and says she’s talking to someone at the crisis team. After all she’s put me through I can be horribly unsympathetic to her so I stopped myself blurting out, “IS THAT IT?” To me calling the crisis team is not a big thing at all, I just know that they’re shit. So, she’s trying to get herself emotional support…but I still don’t see how that solves the home problem. She wants to continue living at home but have emotional support? She spent ages saying how nobody ever helped her when dad was first ill but every time we asked if she asked for help she said no but she expected it to just happen. So she feels let down by mental health services and she’s angry at them yet how do you receive if you don’t ask? She complains that dad got help and I got help but she didn’t. One, dad had a psychotic episode, of course someone is going to look after him in hospital. Two, I was a child, when you’re a child, you aren’t expected to ask for help when you go through a traumatic experience. I feel like she blames me but I did all I could throughout my life to help her and yes I did give up because of her constant “nobody cares about me, what about me, nobody ever looks after me”. J kept being sympathetic to her and I couldn’t stand it, she would cry and he hugged her and I just got so mad. If he hugs her and comforts her, she will attach to him and because I refused to hug her, she will have more reason to attack me. There were times that I cried and cried and she shrugged her shoulders at my feelings and said “what about me” and I can no longer let her in emotionally because I only get hurt. I only get left behind. So J’s compassion will be her reasoning for me not caring. He also kept telling her I do care and I do want to listen and I do want to help. I don’t. She is a grown woman, I want her to grow the hell up and start taking responsibility for her actions. She has created this life and she takes no responsibility at all for any of the wrong that happened, It’s all everyone else fault. She only thinks I’m ill because of “your crazy dad”, she doesn’t understand situational depression or that anything she has ever done being a cause for my trauma and pain. And until she accepts responsibility for her own actions I can’t help her. She says she wants to die, yeah well you know what, join the queue.

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A selfish society.

January 25, 2011

I don’t think I could go through my life NOT being an advocate for mental health. I don’t believe I have been born to help people but I believe that all decent people should make the choice (whether it be in the smallest way) to help people who need it. I get very frustrated when I see people who have so much, complaining about their lifestyle when there are people out there living on the streets who can’t even eat. We live in a selfish society, where you put number one first or you won’t get to the top. People who dedicate their lives to helping others don’t get enough respect, they should be the highest paid people in the country because they are doing something worthwhile. Yet those people who work to satisy their own material needs and cheat others out of their money and their happiness are the ones who are at the top, who have the power. The kindest, most modest people seem to be at the bottom because others feel it right to tread allover those who put others first.

Until I die, I will try and help as many human beings (and other living things) that I can because if I don’t improve another’s life then mine has been wasted. Whether it be through a letter to cheer someone up, charity donations, volunteering in a soup kitchen at Christmas or just letting someone know that I will be there. They can require such small sacrifices of time or even small money donations. Through this blog, I try and help people understand mental illness, so they can know that even though their thoughts might not be normal, they aren’t the only ones experiencing them. If I’ve educated one person in anything to do with mental illness or if I’ve put a smile on someone’s face then that’s good enough for me because changes start small. In our society in not cool to be kind but I think that needs to change.

Sometimes we do need to think just about us, we need rest and help and healing too. But that’s not selfish, it’s healthy. Keep blogging everyone 😀

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Inking out the stigma- the day!

November 16, 2010

Well as you may or may not know, I am trying to raise money for the mental health charity Mind. And todaaay I got this! No pain no gain huh? 🙂 sponsors so far have been £35 so my pages money will be rising! my just giving page now has £39 without all of the sponsors counted. I know it may not seem much but to a charity every penny is vital! And my tattooist said he donates to mind monthly so when I went to pay him he said no charge! Score 😀

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The Other Side- By J.

November 16, 2010

BPD means to me someone who is essentially confused, not by their own fault and not to imply that they are in any way mentally deficient, but confused in the sense that to others, they appear to understand little of their own desires. Although to a BPD sufferer, it may feel perfectly natural to be feeling fine one minute, then self destructive for no apparent logical reason the next – to an outsider this can be very difficult to understand.

BPD has affected me in the sense of how I understand and react to someone I hold truly very dear to my heart. Their mood does change a lot, sometimes without warning, sometimes for long periods, sometimes it just seems to change for the sake of it – but that’s okay. Sure it may be difficult to come to terms with, yet deep down all they ultimately desire is loving care and attention. The great cartoon S posted on here before summarised this perfectly:
“You’re going to abandon me like all the others, aren’t you?”
“No. I won’t.”
“Yes, you will.”
“No, I won’t. Look I’m not going to fulfil your stupid abandonment complex!”
“You would if you loved me.”

While it is easy to understand the second person’s point of view, the first person is just worried, probably from a history of firsthand experience, of how people have strongly tended to abandon them with little reason throughout their life. Hence the expectation and questioning fear that the same is going to happen again and also then suggesting an illogical method of the other proving their love to them.

Emotionally, the extremes do tend to run high – for both parties involved. Partner A gets mad/angry/upset/depressed for any reason, Partner B responds (at the very least internally,) in kind. Unchecked, this can quickly escalate beyond all proportion (especially if Partner B has a tendency to initiate arguments already – my bad) however reasoning behind Partner A’s emotional change in the first place can be flawed or merely a misinterpretation of an otherwise harmless situation. That’s not to say that they don’t have very good reason to be feeling the way they do, just that to others this reason is excessive, sometimes to the point of absurdity. Nevertheless, it is still entirely real for Partner A to be feeling the way they do.

It is difficult to explain, moreso is how one can develop BPD. My knowledge of it has been the sad truth of a tale of neglect, ignorant, arrogant, selfish treatment and quintessentially a lack of tender loving care. Suffice to say, fail to attend to someone’s needs, constantly be completely unreliable and then fail to apologise or even recognise your misdoings and you are allowing said person in your care to develop a personality disorder such as BPD as a coping strategy for everything you have put them through.

BPD can have far reaching and long term implications. Firstly, mood stability can, for the large part, be quite literally thrown asunder as the BPD sufferer reflects all of the emotional instability and inconsistency they have experienced onto others. Secondly, you or someone you care about has BPD be prepared to make concessions and to be as understanding as possible for what they yearn for most is someone who is going to be there and love them no matter what they say/do/feel/like/dislike at any given time of day! Whether or not they’ve just told you how they can’t see themselves surviving with or without you (assuming you’re the lover of said sufferer,) and have self harmed already in that day alone, what you must do is simply be there for them. Try to make them understand that you are there to help, that you are going to keep being there and that your love is entirely 100% unconditional. Okay so maybe it might not ‘actually’ be 100% unconditional (I think you have to draw the line somewhere, for me it would be something along the lines of wanting a sex change…) but they need to feel that way regardless.

Similarly, personally I have a habit of starting arguments (although I prefer the term discussions,) over simple things with unsurpassed ease! Although I think of it as being an interesting dialogue between two persons….. My dear S, for the most part, sees it simple as how we always argue; how we don’t get along and how we aren’t meant to be together. Now, honestly I am not trying to start arguments for the sake of arguments but to her it seems that way. To her it seems that what I consider utterly trivial becomes utterly essential – thus expressing the true core of our relationship – that we argue too much and aren’t right for each other and as much as I know that it will hurt her reading this, I know that is how it makes her feel. What I, therefore, need to do is to limit arguments as much as possible, to hold my tongue (for the majority of the time anyway ;P) and to try to approach and word the discussion differently in order to minimise any potentiality of an undesirable eventuality resulting in severe upset and emotional pain (which as always, poses the risk of leading to physical pain) for S. In contrast, what she must do is attend her CBT sessions and to try and understand things in a more… colourful view which doesn’t simply state any given situation as being either entirely unhappy or entirely perfect. I wish I could do more to help her, I really do, yet all I can say is to simply hang in there, keep trying and keep attempting to realise things in a broader, less extremist sense!

Lastly, why do I put up with all this crap? Simple. I love her, I want to be with her and by god I won’t let anyone or anything get in my way. I don’t care if she can be incredibly moody all the damn time because I love her for it! I love her for all the little quirks that make her her and I do my best to see the real her that can be hidden away behind emotional barriers and defence mechanisms because it just makes me love her even more.

THAT is why I put up with her. ❤

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She saw him. He saved her.

November 3, 2010

She saw him sitting there, alone from the crowd.
She knew how it felt, lonliness.
She sat with him, spoke with him, then hugged him goodbye.
He remembered her.

She wanted to make him happy, less lonely.
She wanted to see him more, he just wanted to see her.
He held her hand, she kissed him.
They fell in love.

She wanted to make him feel loved.
She got back more than she could have imagined.
As she suffered from mental illness, she was sure he’d leave.

She wanted to save him, yet now he saves her life everyday.

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Fund Raising!

October 30, 2010

I have made this new page to raise money for the UK mental health chairty Mind, I plan to do some sponsored events (If I can be creative enough) and maybe do some cake sales at my mind groups, anything I can to raise money! If you’d like to donate please go here http://www.justgiving.com/simone-borderline/ thank you xx