Archive for the ‘Holiday’ Category

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Dreaming of Trauma.

November 17, 2010

Well where do I start, I have a long dream last night and it was filled with traumas from the past. Not one, but four. My dads hospitilisation, my bullying, a stalker and being humiliated. The bully and stalker story were kind of put together, I was wandering round a hotel and behind the bar working was D, my secondary school bully. At school i was nervous about turning a corner in case he was there and if he was I would panic and try and go another way, I think my friends felt I was overreacting but I was genuinely scared of him. So when i saw him in my dream i panicked, i was with J so i said who it was but then I said hes probably grown up a lot now, he wont do anything so we went and got a drink. D looked up at me and did that horrible grin he would do when he would laugh at me and said so arent you going to say anything to me? By which I replied I was expecting something from you first, he grinned again and then called me the male version of my name as he would at school and my stomach wretched and I left my drink and ran and every corner I seem to turn he was there. He walked over to me and I fell to the floor and screamed for someone to help me, a friend call Amy who in school was friends with us both and would help me came over and shouted for him to leave me alone. At this point I was lying on the floor crying and shaking. Throughout the dream Amy stayed with me and would ward him off when he appeared.

This dream not only resembled my bullying but also a stalker, at a holiday resort when I was 8 a boy approached me in a pool, he said his name was Phil and he was 13. He asked if i would be his girlfriend and I said no I was only 8. He then got closer to me and said “is it because im mentally diabled?!” he was but not severly and that wasnt the reason. I was 8 for heavens sake. I made my dad take me out of the pool and leave. I didnt tell my dad because as always ive had to deal with my traumas myself as my parents can never seem to help me. I knew dad would have laughed if i told him. Throughout the holiday, phil would appear and threaten me and get mad that I wouldnt be his girlfriend. I was scared to leave my room. I remember crying and praying that I wouldnt see him for the rest of the holiday. And I didn’t but the fear was still there and the fact I still remember it so clear shows how much it affected me.

Now my second dream last night put my dads hospitilisation and humiliation together. We were at a long table, me, my dad and about 6 doctors. We were discussing why dad should be hospitilised. Throughout the meeting my dad kept getting up and saying unusual things or needing to pace, he was manic and occasionally psychotic. I was terrified and said this to this doctors then everyone in the room burst out laughing and someone said through laughter “you’re so stupid!”

I woke up feeling anxious, shakey and broken. My dads psychosis and mania were scary enough. But when people laugh at me it breaks me down. Even as a child I couldnt bear people laughing at me even if i did something cute or funny, the only laughing I’d known was taunting. One family gathering we were playing a game round a big table, it was bill’s go and I said “your go Billy boy!” the whole family burst out laughing and I burst into tears, I was a humiliated little girl.

I spoke with my aunt about it recently and she said that if I did anything sweet or lovely and someone laughed I would fly into a rage and cry. I was shocked to hear this because it just shows how my illness didnt just happen but has developed from such a young age. I don’t know which of the 4 events were more damaging.

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More than a few reasons for abandonment issues

September 24, 2010

I always thought my abandonment issues stemmed from my mothers frequent holidays when I was little and feeling unsure if she’d come back. But I just realised a few more things that may have screwed with the original worry and even given me confirmation that all the people I care about infact leave me. This is only a recent development in the past year but extremely significant nonetheless.

Last year a family member revealed that he had a 4 year old child with someone other than his wife. This woman was a big part of my life and felt like a mother to me. Even though we weren’t that close and didn’t see eachother other than family occasions (easter, christmas etc..) she would always light up the room and as she married into the family she was different. My family are quiet and can be vere negative and judgemental people but she would make a room lively and I always loved seeing her from a young age. She made me feel comfortable in a room that otherwise would be quite awkward with forced conversation. When I found out I wasnt shocked, I just thought oh no another issue. Then a few weeks later I heard she would never see any of us again because it hurt too much. I knew holidays would never be the same again and I cried because it was like mourning someone who had made family life bearable from birth.

Now at holidays, He’s there and so is his child and so is the mother of the child, even though they are not in a relationship. Apparently she is part of the family now even if she isnt in a relationship with him. And oh how they adore the child, I’ve never seen such infatuation, which of course I don’t recall recieving as a child. I played with her and didn’t cause a fuss, my mum did and got told to piss off. When i express views that are similar to my mums the family believe that she has brainwashed me, as if I don’t have my own independent view on life and it’s conflicts. My mum’s views are the last I would copy if i didnt believe them. They want me to be really close to my new cousin and try and blot out the reason she’s there. There seemed to be no condemnation of his actions just complete acceptance and happiness at a new family member. I don’t think I’d feel comfortable with the child calling my grandma by the same term. Shes been my grandma and only mine for 18 years. And I’m supposed to deal with this like an adult while they act like nothing bad has happened. I’ve lost someone extremely important to me and it hurts like hell sometimes I will just stop what I’m doing and cry because it feels like I’ve been abandoned. By her and by my whole family who have a new focus. I don’t blame her though, she is a wonderful talented woman and deserves a much better family, I just wish I could still be part of hers. I love you Lucy, please don’t forget me. I’ve always needed you and now I don’t want this family anymore.

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A good day

June 27, 2010

When illness is your life then sometimes a “good day” can be rare and I can say I don’t have many good days. My days are filled with irritability, so I try and go out to release the irritability but it only makes me more irritable and anxious. Last night I was in the most foul mood because once again I couldn’t sleep so I did some crazy painting, my counsillor says doing things I enjoy when I can’t sleep is like rewarding myself for not sleeping but the last thing I want to do when I’m in a foul mood is stuff I don’t enjoy. Woke up with paints on my bed and blue and red blotches on my right arm, brilliant 😀 Wish i could wake up like that more often. Was meant to go out today, didn’t happen the heat means I have my fan on all night which is resulting in a never ending cold and waking up feeling like crap.

I started writing this the other day when I did have a good day but I guess I’ll just have to have it as a memory now…not that I have a memory. It was a hot day and I was having a nap on the carpet with my boyfriend with the fan blowing, bliss. The carpet always seems to be cooler. It was a good day because I could sleep, it wasn’t too hot and I only cried once! Hooray.

Another dissapointment today, but wasn’t too drastic, hopefully can book a holiday soon. I’m drowning my sorrows with rootbeer and I might make a cake. Today is an “okay day”. My next good day will be soon hopefully…if not this weekend or the next then when I can book my holiday. Although I’m still waiting for the painful crying, upset bit first where I don’t know if it will happen. When you know what emotions to expect you can at least control them, or just not bother and smash something instead, much more fun!

Tata for now xx