Archive for the ‘Identity’ Category

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Children’s movies and bright eyes.

August 28, 2011

I often notice my inner child come out with I’m with my husband. He allows me to be a child and not feel embarrassed. I can watch children’s TV and cuddle a toy and he will stroke my hair and let me feel comforted. It may sound strange but my therapists have all said for me to have some time to be a child.  I don’t have many cuddly toys but my therapist told me to buy one special toy to have as a comfort. He is a wonderful penguin and he is a great healer and comforter. When I’m feeling upset my husband always brings him to me. It sounds strange even reading it to myself. I really am quite emotionally immature.

People with borderline personality disorder do have the emotional intelligence of a child due to things that may have happened to them. We may lack understanding due to confusion when we are actually children. Personally for me I had two very contrasting and chaotic parents, one parent is sex obsessed and lives on porn and the other thinks anything sexual is bad and wrong, for example. What does a child believe? Now imagine that happens with a lot of other life lessons, contrasting views, where each parent may change their view from one second to the next. Your mind gets scrambled and when you grow up you try and think what you believe but then you aren’t so sure. And with parents like that it is almost impossible to ever be a child. You have to be the adult and I was the only adult in my household. I took care of them.

Most of my family would think it weird or stupid if they knew J indulged in me acting like a child. But it’s not like I go out in public in children’s clothing and wear a dummy, I just allow myself to regress into a childlike state to experience the comfort from J that I never got as a child. When I’m in that state of mind I love watching children’s movies and my eyes light up with excitement when I see a pretty princess or a talking turtle, I sometimes even point and say “look darling that turtle talks!” almost in a child’s voice. It’s such a wonderful feeling. It can also block out the things that are happening around me because I’m a child so they no longer concern me. These behaviours have never worried me because they’ve never lasted for an extended period or to a worrying extent. I’m just able to enjoy being young. Surely when you’ve had no childhood it’s natural to try and be a child when you are out of the situation that took your childhood from you. I have a nice balance though because I am always very adult any other time but as soon as I get to watch a good cartoon or kid’s movie I have the childhood I wasn’t allowed! I hope to watch a turtle’s tale later 🙂

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Dear me,

June 29, 2011

Dear Little Me,

Why did you have to be so awkward. There are reasons why they never liked you, why they used you. Even your parents couldn’t love you enough, especially her, she only loved you if she wanted something. And he was always selfish, you were always second. Why couldn’t you just be good enough. You were always overweight and disgusting, that’s why they laughed at you. That’s why they called you a freak. You were just weird, not good enough to be their friends. They were better than you. Sure, you were smart but who cared about that? You thought maybe being smart would get you somewhere even if you weren’t attractive but you were just too quiet to be noticed. Plus, your friends were smarter than you anyway, so you were never smart enough. I know you tried to look nice but you made a fool of yourself. They laughed and asked what was on your face or what had you done to your hair. You just could never get it right. Your clumsiness made you stupid, your clumsiness made them hit you. You stupid child. Nothing made sense in your world anymore, you could never figure out why you were hated. But did they need a reason, you were just destined to be locked away. You hid a lot, I know, it was safer to be alone. You cried and made sure no one heard and if there was a knock on your door, your face was immediately bright and cheerful, of course nothing was wrong. But maybe you deserved to cry? Not that it mattered. No one would come. No one would know what to do with you. Even if they did, they would get sick of you and leave at the first chance. Why did you keep going? I don’t know what possessed you. Did you believe that one day, you would be saved? What made you think they would suddenly change and take care of you. Are you delusional? I think so. Who in your life has never stabbed you through the heart? Everyone is destined to break you because you are breakable. And hell, do you deserve it.

Love Adult Me.

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Competing.

June 25, 2011

So here I am, decided against self harm so I’m not a dissapointment and decide to go on a late night stroll. There’s not many people out and It’s deathly quiet so I thought I’d do some writing.

I thought I would write about the 3 people who (are supposed) to love me most. My parents and my husband. All 3 of them have something in common, something that drains the life out of me on a daily basis and makes the hole inside of me bigger.

Obsessions.

Now, from a young age I have had to compete against my parents obsessions, Merrill Osmond of the Osmond Brothers and Football. I always knew my mum loved Merrill more than me and my dad would never stop talking about football. The only way to ever be with them was to go to an Osmond concert or go to the football. Otherwise I was alone. I felt neglected for these obsessions, passions, whatever you want to call them and It meant I was always fighting for their love and attention although I never believed they would love me more than those things. I was fighting a losing battle so at one point I guess I just gave up fighting for their love and accepted that I wouldn’t get it and I didn’t want to keep havig to do what they wanted to be with them, I wanted to be their choice not their option. My dad has started to be with me more, my mum has never changed.

My husband spends more time gaming than he spends being with me. It feels like exactly the same thing I’ve got through, I feel neglected, unloved and at some points I just leave because I would rather sit in a dark street than sit in a room with my husband feeling more lonely than ever. You can feel lonely if you are alone but the worst lonliness is when you’re with other people and they choose
Not to be with you. At that point, I just wish I didn’t exist, to see if that would make them come away from their obsession and see that I’m alive too.

I’ve screamed, I’ve cried, I’ve cut. In the end they use their passions to further ignore. All of these people have been damaged in their childhood and need something to fill a hole, yet I don’t seem to fit the bill and that makes my hole even bigger.

I try and justify it by thinking maybe it’s just me, maybe I make it all up. Maybe I just want attention too much. Maybe they get so damn sick of me that It’s my fault they would rather be elsewhere and with other people. Maybe if I were better they might love me enough to fill that gap. And that I come back to reality and go and cut myself again.

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Parents, growing up and suicide.

May 2, 2011

Well, wouldn’t you expect a happy blogger after getting hitched? Tis not so. Everything has gone excessively worse in my life since. Not my fault of my marriage but everything else (Okay I admit being married is called borderline anxiety problems but leave this for now). While my anxiety has increased massively since getting married and being diagnosed OCD, I knew something else had to go crazy in my life because my life can’t just have one huge problem at a time. Since I’ve gotten married my dad has finally said that he wants to divorce mum, this is a God send because their marriage is part of the reason that I am, well, writing this now. It just seems so many years too late for it to actually benefit me but at least for it to happen now means that my dad may be able to benefit, as for my mum she is socially inept, can’t make friends, is easily bullied, has a low paying job and has narcissistic tendencies and I believe BPD. I can’t imagine her ever being happy with any situation. Even though I am trying to fuel this divorce, along with my dad’s sister, every now and then I break down and cry. I know I’ve never really had a family as such but the fact that they were physically in the same home meant I could pretend.

I went to the in laws yesterday and it was my father in laws birthday, the family gathered round the table and a cake was brought out as the family sang and my heart broke into a million pieces. Even though my husband’s family are also quite dysfunctional, they love each other and do nice things for each other. I’ve never EVER witnessed either of my parents do something nice for the other and it hurt so much to see that even the most dysfunctional family can still be a family. It hurt that I don’t have a family. I have a mother and I have a father but no family. And now I’m married, I have even less of a family because the part of my parents that made me feel like I had parents was the occasional care of which now they feel they don’t need to give because I’m my husband’s responsibility now. I had this particular conversation with my mother yesterday.

I came home from the in laws for my mother to casually say “your dad went to hospital”, I questioned why she didn’t call to tell me of which she just shrugged her shoulders (her usual response to anything to do with dad) , this then brought up a conversation about how I’ve always loved dad more and how she needs to see the one she loves again (her celebrity obsession who has stepped over the boundaries by being her “friend”). She said she didn’t want to tell me that she was going away because I would “go off on one” I didn’t I said to her, “He (the obsession) cannot solve your problems.” To which she cried to my husband “see I told you, there she goes”. I tried my up most not to judge her and to just tell her that this celebrity can’t make her huge life problems better. She sees me as attacking her no matter what I say, I told her that she needs to sort out this home situation too and that she should of left years ago. She, of course, attacked me again, “you said you wanted to live with dad and he would’ve of raped you!”, she’s playing the hero, living with him to protect me. My dad has never touched me in any way that has ever been inappropriate. If anything she’s been the one who’s been over sexual with me throughout my childhood. She starts to tell me that she is trying to sort out the situation at home, so I asked her what she’s trying to sort out. She wouldn’t tell me, she said now I’m married and moving why do I need to know what’s going on with my my home because I’ll be gone. I told her that just because I’m leaving doesn’t mean I’m just forgotten about but she was set in her view that if I’m gone then I no longer exist in her life and it’s not important what goes on in my family because she doesn’t seem to understand that anything would emotionally effect me. She has a very one person view, she can only understand the way that things affect her. I thought maybe she was going to try and sort out a divorce as well so I tried to get her to tell me what was going on because how ridiculous would it be for both parties to be filing for divorce and the other not knowing. You can see how much communication there really is. She ended up saying how she doesn’t want to say anything because it’ll cause problems, J kept telling her she had to tell us. So she starts crying and says she’s talking to someone at the crisis team. After all she’s put me through I can be horribly unsympathetic to her so I stopped myself blurting out, “IS THAT IT?” To me calling the crisis team is not a big thing at all, I just know that they’re shit. So, she’s trying to get herself emotional support…but I still don’t see how that solves the home problem. She wants to continue living at home but have emotional support? She spent ages saying how nobody ever helped her when dad was first ill but every time we asked if she asked for help she said no but she expected it to just happen. So she feels let down by mental health services and she’s angry at them yet how do you receive if you don’t ask? She complains that dad got help and I got help but she didn’t. One, dad had a psychotic episode, of course someone is going to look after him in hospital. Two, I was a child, when you’re a child, you aren’t expected to ask for help when you go through a traumatic experience. I feel like she blames me but I did all I could throughout my life to help her and yes I did give up because of her constant “nobody cares about me, what about me, nobody ever looks after me”. J kept being sympathetic to her and I couldn’t stand it, she would cry and he hugged her and I just got so mad. If he hugs her and comforts her, she will attach to him and because I refused to hug her, she will have more reason to attack me. There were times that I cried and cried and she shrugged her shoulders at my feelings and said “what about me” and I can no longer let her in emotionally because I only get hurt. I only get left behind. So J’s compassion will be her reasoning for me not caring. He also kept telling her I do care and I do want to listen and I do want to help. I don’t. She is a grown woman, I want her to grow the hell up and start taking responsibility for her actions. She has created this life and she takes no responsibility at all for any of the wrong that happened, It’s all everyone else fault. She only thinks I’m ill because of “your crazy dad”, she doesn’t understand situational depression or that anything she has ever done being a cause for my trauma and pain. And until she accepts responsibility for her own actions I can’t help her. She says she wants to die, yeah well you know what, join the queue.

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Doomed before the beginning.

February 5, 2011

Do you ever feel like your background dooms you to a life of misery and failure?

In my family only one person (not including me) is in a happy relationship, however this is her second marriage. Not one person is my family has gotten it right first time and except this one person the rest are single and my parents are unhappily married. I feel like my relationship is doomed before we’re even married. With such an unhappy family and with the issues running throughout, I feel like my happiness is only an illusion to keep me going and that something has got to kill us before we get too happy. The fact that the majority of my family are over 50 and single and never had any parteners in the last 18 years makes me wonder what the future holds for me. I often wonder if I mistake my severe neediness for love which results in panic attacks due to the thought of not actually being able to love how normal people do. I then feel severe guilt for stringing J along because I don’t really know how to love. These awful thoughts and panic attacks really mess with our relationship and with my head. I love J. But my head doesn’t want me to, my head wants me to be alone so I don’t have to ever have conflict or become an independent adult in the outside world. My head wants me to hide away and be alone. My heart wants to marry J and start a new life and leave the past behind.

The problem is following my heart over my head. Because every now and then my head wants me dead.

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Ugly.

January 23, 2011

When girls get married, they want to be the most beautiful bride. When you have low self esteem this can cause a lot of depression and heart ache.

My session this week with Dr L was about just that. Before J no one has ever really called me beautiful, my reasoning behind my ugliness as a child was that the children at school said I was ugly and so did the kids in my road. These children had never met eachother so how could they have the same opinion unless it were true?

I know I am a not a child now but the feelings I get when I look in the mirror aren’t satisfying. I can do my hair and make up nicely and feel good but then I step into the world and see other people and I suddenly look like rubbish. I even hide my face from people who I think would look at me with disgust. I was bullied through secondary school too for how I looked and liked a few boys but they always ended up with much prettier girls and saw me as the “friend”. To me it’s like the more attractive you are the happier you are because I was so downtrodden for not being the prettiest, this therefore makes me feel like the more attractive you are the better person you are and this crazy theory needs to be banished.

Dr L started to ask me about my dad, she said that the first male approval little girls get in life are from their fathers and this helps build self esteem around other males. Of course, my dad didn’t praise me or ever say I was pretty and would say to me after a new hair cut or make over “what’s that crap on you face?” or “what’ve done to your hair?”, making me want to crawl into a deep hole and hide my ugliness forever. All of Dr L’s words started to cut me, I didn’t want to cry but I knew I couldn’t help it, there I was crying, my hand over my face in shame. She said “It’s hard isn’t it. What are you thinking about?” and I replied…

“I just want my dad to call me a beautiful bride. But I know he won’t.” Then I cried some more.

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A-d-d-d-diction: TRIGGER WARNING. -J

December 15, 2010

The first things that always comes to mind are hard drugs and alcohol, sometimes extending towards sex/prostitutes/gambling (i.e. the glamorous life ;] ) but it’s the quiet ones; the simple, succulent subtle self-services that keep our days ticking over. Well all have them, don’t deny it…..

What’s yer poison?”

*SNAP*

It’s gone. It’s all gone, you feel EVERYTHING closing down, falling in, it’s all lots it’s all gone. GONE.  Look up, see the sky, see it shrink – feel the sunlight leave your skin……… nothing left…….

Think about that for a moment; really think about it. Now imagine it, imagine how it would feel to lose the most important thing that’s been keeping you going for a very very, long time.

That’s when people realise, that’s when they see what has happened – you’re dependant. You’re utterly, completely, undeniably dependant on that one thing, that one key vice that you’ve physically and mentally bound yourself too in order to prop yourself up in the swirling storm of life.

Then all can see the perfectly pinnacle point of pressure released all at once when you lose your vice. Viciously vicarious, you wish you could replace – yet only to find an equally seductive replacement.

So you’re dependant? So you freaked out like all hell was breaking loose and freezing over at the same damn time when you lost your one deliciously dependant lifeline and guess what? It’s your fault. It’s always your fault.

At least, that’s what other people will tell you, that’s what they’ll think and you can bet that’s what they’ll believe too.

Why? Ignorance; where? Anywhere it occurs; what? Well anything, you’re clearly a bad person to be so dependant on anything; who? Anyone, it doesn’t matter, people think they know – they think they can tell; when? The instant it becomes apparent – and it will become apparent.

People see the consequences not the causes because consequences are easy to see, easy to spot and easy to assume the cause of.

Alcoholism? – Clearly an alcoholic drunk, they made a specific decision to become dependant on the devil’s breath and they must, therefore, suffer the full consequences.

Or not? Perhaps? Free will has it’s part to pay of course, there was at some point in example A’s life when they decided hmm, maybe if I have another drink, it will make my day that bit better. Then the next day, then the day after that and before you know it; you’re dependant. You need to have your fix because if you don’t you don’t want to keep existing without it and the only thing other people see is how it’s your fault for deciding to become addicted, you clearly aren’t mentally and physically capable enough to control your own life and surroundings and thus don’t deserve to have full control over them.

Which came first? The chicken or the egg…

My point being it’s never that clear cut and only myopic fools consider their instantaneous judgement of such a complex situation to be instantly correct. Sure, people become addicted and lose control of their life. Yet similarly: Sure, people have had control over their life taken from them. Now how easy is it to decide which came first?

What is addiction? It is a defence mechanism, as common as any other, inherent in every human being on the planet.  So you’re saying people that becoming addicted to a certain something are doing it because they’re under attack?

Why yes, yes I am. Addiction is a defence mechanism because it is a Coping mechanism; it internalises any and potentially all problems we are unable to resolve normally by any means and thus ignore, or just aggravate unconsciously – resulting in addiction. With things out of your control, you find something you can control to give you ever essence of release you are in dire need of because you’ve tried and you sure can’t find it anywhere else. Yet only when you’re waist-deep in the glorious glorious freedom of addictive release do you realise – you can’t get out and as soon as that addiction goes nothing can get out. You kick and you scream and you sue the world for all it’s wonders just for that next delicate drop of release.

People CAN control how they act but so can other people too. You can’t look at one person’s problems objectively without looking at least five other’s too. That is because as a social species, we are constantly interconnect and interacting with each other.

“Where mister, are you getting your facts?”

Why from observation of course – and the sad sad truth of personal experience.

So people can cause other people to find other, unconventional methods of dealing with someone else’s problems forced, unknowingly, upon them. Then it is a downward spiral and only when you’re halfway on your way to doom and despair do people realise that something is amiss – and then they blame it wholly-incorrectly on the addictee.

Addictions can be broken, you can escape and the point I’m trying to make is keep trying. Search for help where you can find it and where you may have the slightest inkling that your confidant may understand. That’s what’s helping me, and there are more than one (although not that many more…) and they can do their best to help salvage your situation and tackle the real problems, you know the kind of people I’m on about and if you don’t…. open your eyes and realise that they’re already there, just waiting for you to reach out.

Addiction is one of the few real tragedies in life and the blame is almost always impossible to pinpoint entirely; nor is it ever usually sensible to even try. Addiction can be beaten but first it must be understood. Once and only once you know your enemy in it’s entirety can it be stood up on two feat and defeated finally.

It may never leave, it’s rotting corpse may haunt your memories, I know that those explosive moments when you fought for freedom will continue to scare the living daylights out of you but I also know that they will pass and they will fade. I know that as you begin to fully appreciate your situation that you can begin to conquer it and that as you do, that rotting corpse of what was once that most sweet sweet joyous release will fade, ever further into your past as you step up and step forwards into the rest of your life. Free from addiction.

Yes assertively assailing assonance is assuredly one of mine most actively appraised addictions. It is small and may it never end.