Archive for the ‘Identity’ Category

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Hate is a strong word? Then it’s perfect.

December 2, 2010

If I were still in the Mormon Church I would be classed as unworthy because of my feelings towards my family but that’s ignorance right there. How can you forgive something that is ongoing and never stops?

I think I’ve had just about enough, now don’t you dare think this is a teenage “my parent’s don’t understand me, I hate them!” balls because I scream. I have been neglected, abused, stepped all over, guilt tripped and emotionally blackmailed so many times and It has wittled me down to almost nothing. My CBT has opened up a lot for me, my excuses for letting my parents do these things to me and not stick up for myself were that I felt sorry for them and they’re both ill. But I can’t carry on giving in to my mum’s emotional guilt trips or my dad’s blackmailing, they may be ill but that doesn’t mean they have a right to use and abuse me. I am their daughter, I shouldn’t have to take my mum to hospital if she feels ill or put my dad’s socks on every morning, I am fnejfwuniu sick of it all. I want out. I want f***ing out, now.

Mum

I was born to love mum. She wanted a child because she wanted a living “thing” to love her unconditionally and make her feel good about herself and be hers forever. She would then get angry and abusive to this thing if it didn’t give her what she wanted in love and affection or if it had it own needs. How dare it have it own needs. How dare it cry, hit it that should (as she’d say) “shut it up”. She says she never loved dad and just wanted to be looked after all her life, this has been the case financially anyway. I’m sure that she did love him but when things got tough and he had a breakdown she claims she never loved him so she had no responsibility for caring for him. After dad’s breakdown it was all about her, she was the poor wife who’s husbanhad a breakdown. Little S was left to fend for herself. Mum would go away a lot to “get away” leaving little S feeling scared that dad would kill her in the night, he would become psychotic. Little S didn’t know what was going on or where mummy had gone or if she was going to come back. Then when mum came back little S was expected to be excited about her return and love her all the same, she would cry when mum went away and be hostile when she came back. Mum wouldn’t have any of it, she wasn’t doing anything wrong and should be love unconditionally no matter what she did/does.

As I grew up, she was possessive, didn’t like me liking other family members, I was her posession. I felt guilty seeing my my aunt who I love because I knew it would upset mum and make her feel unloved. I remember once to get back at her I made a photoboard and had pictures of me and all of my family members seperately except her, I was sick of how she treated me and I wanted her to know that. If I was upset I hid and cried alone, I would be told I was silly for crying and my feelings invalidated. If she cried I had to comfort her and tell her I loved her, even If I didn’t feel it at the time. Once I just screamed “BITCH!!” and she ran into the kitchen crying and shouted “nothing loves me, I’m going to kill myself!!” It makes me so so angry just writing this, how dare she threaten suicide to a little girl. How dare she play the victim when I was the one hurting and why the hell should I have had to comfort her? But it’s what I did, I reassured her she was loved and then shut myself in my room. I konw what you may be thinking, it sounds like she has BPD right? Well that’s what I think and I said to Dr L that I feel hypocritical getting angry at her for BPD traits but she told me that I shouldn’t because at least I’m getting help and trying to change. Which is very true, I hate myself for my BPD traits and I actually feel guilt whereas my mother seems to feel no guilt and not care about anyone but herself. Now that I am ill, she is invalidating, doesn’t understand why I feel the way I do, she blames herself sometimes and I don’t correct her. As she is correct anyway. She says that she’s able to have a job, she’s able to live her life. This makes me feel worse but then I remember that she is miserable and she only has herself to blame for it, she hates her husband yet she still lives with him and his finance which is incapactiy benefit, while using her own wages for her leisure, why should contribute eh? She’s unhappy. It’s not like she could move out or anything is it, it’s not like she could start a fresh new life without him and maybe be happy. Heaven forbid.

Dad

Well dad has Bipolar, although doesn’t mean his behavious too can be excused. I know pleasantly nice people with Bipolar who love their kids more than anything. I know my dad loves me, he is just unable to show it. I have always been a daddys girl, not neccesarily because he was the most loving but he was the only one who took me out places and always wanted to do things with me. He would love to take me to the farm or to watch football with him and I never remember doing anything like that with mum or her even coming along. I’m never sure what behaviour and Bipolar and what behaviour was just him but everything I did was wrong, If I accidentally knocked something or fell I was a “stupid child” and hit until I screamed and ran away. If i was ever hyper I was told to shut up and stop showing off, I was always such a quiet child. I learnt that if I was quiet then it meant I couldn’t do or say anything wrong. I still managed to somehow though. Not to mention I had no clue until about 2 years ago when I asked dad what illness my dad said and he said “I think it’s Bipolar” and then I actually knew, before then I wasn’t even told what was wrong or what was going on. There is no communication and if you want to know something in the family, you’ll either find out by asking or by asking a million irrelevant questions until something happens to come out. He was hospitlised 3 times and to me it felt like a limetime and I would always cry in my room alone because I wanted my daddy back. I didn’t know what was going on and why everything was so chaotic, I only remember that mum never wanted to visit and always complained when we did go. I’ll never forgive her for being so uncaring. But then it seems as I’ve gotten older he’s realised that if his wife won’t look after him then his maturing daughter can take to the wife role, take him to appointments, do the shopping, put his socks on, make sure he take his meds and the like. Now this has all happened in the last 2 years and It’s the most degrading feeling to have someone tell you to put their socks on and then if you don’t they stress and scream and cry if you don’t. I HATE emotional blackmail and I hate that my mother sits back and allows this to happen, I say to her I don’t want to do it and she says I don’t have to but who else will make sure he doesn’t have another break down, she bloody sure won’t.

I really really am praying (figure of speech) that I can get out next year with J, he wants to go to Uni far from here so we can both just live and get away from this horrible pain, anxiety and stress. We both need to release form our restricting unhelpful parents. He wants to live with me near wherever needed and start a “real” life.

Sure, I’ll have to look after him but the difference is, he will look after me back.

Of course I have the panic of, what the hell will happen to my parents. My mum will surely hate me for leaving her and will do anything she can to be spiteful and childish. Dad will care that I’m going but he won’t show it, he will support my choice and be happy for me. Please let me get out, please, get me out. I can’t die here.

It’ll be sad to never have my parents involved in my life but in all honesty, they have earned no rights to be.

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Appearance can be deceiving.

December 1, 2010

I thought I’d write about the outward views many people have on mental illness. Have you ever had anyone say to you “but you look normal.” when you’ve said that you have a mental illness? I often wonder what a mentally ill person is supposed to look like…

Do I walk around in a straight jacket? Would I then fit the criteria for what I am to look like. I don’t believe my family are able to understand the extent and severity of my illness due to being “normal” around them. Theyve never seen a panic attack or angry “I’ll kill myself” outburst and the reason for that is because I repress my feelings around them. There is no way I would show my vulnerability infront of them because I know they wouldn’t know how to handle it and would from then on judge me. Because of this, it means it l comes out infront of J, I’m not afraid to let it all out infront of him because I know I won’t be judged and I feel so utterly comfortable with him I probably wouldnt even feel mental rolling on the floor naked shouting “cupcakes!”. I remember last christmas I felt so utterly depressed and all I wanted was to sleep and my family wouldnt let me, I was forced to get up and join in with the “fesitivities”.

Don’t think you have to look downtrodden to be depressed, some people have had to put that happy face facade on for aslong as they’ve known.

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Self Loathing.

October 11, 2010

As you can probably tell I’m feeling like utter trash right now. So I thought while I’m in the mood I would talk about the self loathing side of BPD. You feel like everything in the world is your fault somehow, you believe the way you feel is all your fault and hate yourself for feeling that way and then feel loathing again and hate yourself for loathing yourself. You see the circle…

I’m kinda feeling like that right now and the most annoying thing is I know I have to talk about it in therapy, I think the biggest thing that actually makes me not behave how I usually do and feel the way that comes naturally to me is because I know I have to talk about it in therapy and I don’t want to because I know I’ll hate myself for being so immature and pitiful in the way I handle things. I think that self loathing would originate from not feeling loved as a child, not feeling like you have any friends or that no one cares. Then you come to the conclusion that there is something terribly wrong with you and that you aren’t worth loving. So from my views it’s been my mother loving a celebrity more than me and my dad never talking to me other than to say “you stupid child, whats wrong with you.” which was followed by hitting. Surely you’d think that a child would become fragile to the point that they would take care of themselves and be gentle with themselves but all that really happens is internalised rage exploding and then you end up mimiking the behaviours of the ones who neglected you.

“You hurt yourself on the outside to try and kill the thing on the inside”- Girl Interrupted.

“Self-hatred is also a prime feature of many personality disorders“- Wiki.

“You like the movie you live, You miss the train, Kill yourself.”- Winona Ryder playing the role of a girl with BPD.

I don’t want this to be seen as an emo teenager thing, I despise emos for glorifying the real pain that people feel. They make it good to self harm. It’s not good. It’s horrible and behind it is severe pain. I mean I say stupid things when I’m mad like “I want to throw myself out of the window” said about…maybe 5 minutes ago and I don’t even know why. I’m not going to but it’s how I feel and If I feel something I can’t seem to keep my mouth shut, I want people to care and for people to say “please don’t do it, I love you” because It’s all I want to hear, that people do want me here. This time I got back “I’m feeling bad again now”, so restarts the cycle, ruin someones mood, hate yourself. Yes, I am a stupid Bitch but I feel I deserve most of what I get that’s bad.

I haven’t cried yet but that always calms be down and changes my mood. I know that even after I post this I will regret it but I won’t take it down, it shows the bad times and I can’t erase them and pretend they don’t happen. Right now, I am worthless and if I am worthless it means I’m not upset about the way people treat me. You become numb, in a state where you believe that you should be mistreated otherwise why have you been? There’s got to be something wrong with you, right? Now I have to tell the therapist about today. Wonderful.

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Identity and Independent thinking.

September 26, 2010

My therapist said to me that we get our identity from our parents but although this may be true is it really always a good idea to mold ourselves on our parents or for our parents expect us to be what they want?

I know people who are being exactly what their parents want and who are having almost similar lives to how their parents did when they were their age. Is this a good thing? I don’t think so. It’s like they are reliving their parents former lives and if this continues down the line then where is the variety in lifestyle the different personalities and the change in family values. It seems dull to me. I think the most important family member is the one who chooses to say no to their parents beliefs and values and build their own. People like this experience more and can explore their own indentities further than someone who has chosen to stick to someone elses identity. You probably imagine someone becoming rebellious from a good valued family but I belive it’s healthy either way. To see outside of the family bubble. To create your own indentity sepearate to what you have grown up to become is a feel, the most important thing you can do in life. You can then achieve what you really want without it being what other people may expect from you. It requires a lot of strength too and I think a hell of a lot of open mindedness and creativity to be your own person. Obviously there is no harm is being your parents child and taking on parts of their values but when you take on everything blindly and without questioning just because they’re your parents then I don’t believe you are really fulfilling your own potential. My parents own views on life are so different that I had no choice but to create my own identity but without that secure similarity beteen that it did create identity disturbance so there is a need for some parental similarities in values to help your own identity. I do enjoy being able to make myself in anything I want though because of there being no similarity in views between my parents, I can be anything because I don’t really have set ideas on what I should be. It is bloody hard to know what to be when there is unlimited options but I think I will find it one day.

MY IDENTITY.

My Dad: open minded, sociable, he has no religion and isn’t interested in politics, he is extremely intelligent (a mathematician and scientist of sorts), he has problems with anger and likes going to the pub and watch football.

My Mum: Closed minded, she has a religion but doesn’t really understand it, she is anti social and attention seeking and doesn’t know what politics is, she has BPD traits and believes in honesty and believes that when people do bad things they are bad people. She has an unhealthy obsession with a celebrity and is easily bullied and called a stalker at times.

Me: I believe that there is a creator though of what form I feel isn’t important. I overanalyse anything in a philosophical context. I want to be a writer and I enjoy being a mental health advocate. I have BPD. I am very openminded and due to this feel I cannot be tied down by set beliefs anymore. I don’t drink alcohol because I dislike the taste and like to be in control of my actions. I can be a bit of a guy sometimes but I like to be look feminine at all times. I  like films that are gory and a little sadistic and mess with your head.

I reckon I am an independent thinker and quite proud of that but don’t worry by tomorrow my indentity will be different.