Archive for the ‘Insomnia’ Category

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Dreaming of Trauma.

November 17, 2010

Well where do I start, I have a long dream last night and it was filled with traumas from the past. Not one, but four. My dads hospitilisation, my bullying, a stalker and being humiliated. The bully and stalker story were kind of put together, I was wandering round a hotel and behind the bar working was D, my secondary school bully. At school i was nervous about turning a corner in case he was there and if he was I would panic and try and go another way, I think my friends felt I was overreacting but I was genuinely scared of him. So when i saw him in my dream i panicked, i was with J so i said who it was but then I said hes probably grown up a lot now, he wont do anything so we went and got a drink. D looked up at me and did that horrible grin he would do when he would laugh at me and said so arent you going to say anything to me? By which I replied I was expecting something from you first, he grinned again and then called me the male version of my name as he would at school and my stomach wretched and I left my drink and ran and every corner I seem to turn he was there. He walked over to me and I fell to the floor and screamed for someone to help me, a friend call Amy who in school was friends with us both and would help me came over and shouted for him to leave me alone. At this point I was lying on the floor crying and shaking. Throughout the dream Amy stayed with me and would ward him off when he appeared.

This dream not only resembled my bullying but also a stalker, at a holiday resort when I was 8 a boy approached me in a pool, he said his name was Phil and he was 13. He asked if i would be his girlfriend and I said no I was only 8. He then got closer to me and said “is it because im mentally diabled?!” he was but not severly and that wasnt the reason. I was 8 for heavens sake. I made my dad take me out of the pool and leave. I didnt tell my dad because as always ive had to deal with my traumas myself as my parents can never seem to help me. I knew dad would have laughed if i told him. Throughout the holiday, phil would appear and threaten me and get mad that I wouldnt be his girlfriend. I was scared to leave my room. I remember crying and praying that I wouldnt see him for the rest of the holiday. And I didn’t but the fear was still there and the fact I still remember it so clear shows how much it affected me.

Now my second dream last night put my dads hospitilisation and humiliation together. We were at a long table, me, my dad and about 6 doctors. We were discussing why dad should be hospitilised. Throughout the meeting my dad kept getting up and saying unusual things or needing to pace, he was manic and occasionally psychotic. I was terrified and said this to this doctors then everyone in the room burst out laughing and someone said through laughter “you’re so stupid!”

I woke up feeling anxious, shakey and broken. My dads psychosis and mania were scary enough. But when people laugh at me it breaks me down. Even as a child I couldnt bear people laughing at me even if i did something cute or funny, the only laughing I’d known was taunting. One family gathering we were playing a game round a big table, it was bill’s go and I said “your go Billy boy!” the whole family burst out laughing and I burst into tears, I was a humiliated little girl.

I spoke with my aunt about it recently and she said that if I did anything sweet or lovely and someone laughed I would fly into a rage and cry. I was shocked to hear this because it just shows how my illness didnt just happen but has developed from such a young age. I don’t know which of the 4 events were more damaging.

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Thank God for early morning trash Tv.

June 17, 2010

Insomnia conquers again! I was so sleepy about half 12 went to bed and just lay there wide awake until half 2, it’s like my head hits the pillow and a big light turns on and my mind races like mad. Thank goodness I like reality tv and chat shows…It’s all that’s on at 3 in the morning. Usually around 5 I start to get drowsy, but this time of the year the sun is up by then, I’m even immune to sleeping pills now. Erggghhh.

Somebody come and sing me a lullaby and rock me to sleep? -.-
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Sleep

June 7, 2010

Well…it’s been a strange week. My sleep has been next to nothing. Last night I watched the sun come up at 4 it was quite surreal because to me it felt like it should be dark. I quite liked it actually, was a bit trippy. I did eventually fall asleep at half 5 and wake at 12 so I did get 7 hours. So when I saw I get no sleep, I guess I mean at the time most people sleep, my anxiety is a killer at night time so I guess that’s what keeps me awake so I can see any danger that may come over of the dark.

I’ve had this problem with night panic as long as I can remember. I think it might be just because I was allowed to watch whatever I wanted whenever I wanted so at a young age I’d be sitting up at midnight watching Nightmare on Elm Street and The Omen, nice.

I’m an idiot to watch them now too but I want to prove I’m not scared and just laugh through them and when I’m alone, I go into total panic and sometimes can’t even leave the room I’m in. I’m not very clever when it comes to things I know I probably shouldn’t do, I just say to myself I’ll worry about it later.

For example, I bought Paranormal activity the other day, J said I’d get scared and then wouldn’t be able to sleep but as usual I told him it’d be fine and if i got scared I’d close my eyes and he could “protect” me. I was scared. I didn’t sleep. Still haven’t slept. Even though I didn’t find it that frightening, one frightening face, one jumpy part and I’m shaken for weeks. Images that come into my head the more I try not to think about them.

Sometimes I wish my parents at least taught me some common sense.