Archive for the ‘Lost’ Category

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Self pity.

August 28, 2011

I’m not usually this bad. I simply have to turn the TV on now and I started crying. I watched the simpsons and Homer told Lisa he loved her and I started crying so I turned over to supernanny and the mother was playing happily with her children and I started crying so I turned over to X factor (as a last resort) and the singer was getting praise from the judges and his family and himself were so happy with his achievement so I just turned the bloody thing off. Everything was reducing me to tears. Everything is such a mess. Yes I may be getting away from it all but I’m leaving behind a hospitalised father and a mother who I suspect has autism. She doesn’t recognise that I have ever done anything to make her life any better, although I have been dad’s carer all my life and slept in the same bed with her for 5 years of my late childhood because she said if I didn’t dad would rape her. I’m leaving and all she can do is tell me how useless I am. I’m trying to think of moving forward and starting the new but seeing what a mess my parents are in tears me apart. I don’t feel guilt, I just feel shame and pity. Most teens moving out of home have parental support, while I’m still crying over the fact that my dad can’t even see me off into a new life because he’s in the psych ward. What a way to leave. I’ve always hated the expression “why me?” because the people who use it are often getting upset over a tiny matter in their otherwise okay life but I’m going to say it…Why me? I’m a good person. I don’t know what I did to make all of this happen.

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Updates

August 17, 2011

I haven’t written in over a month. Sometimes I think that when I don’t write here it’s a good thing because it means I don’t have anything awful going on but that’s not the truth. I write less because I’m finding it hard to do anything anymore. It’s effort to admit how I feel. It’s difficult. I wish I was writing as much as I used to. I don’t really even have many people reading anymore, It feels like it’s dying out here.

Well my updates. Dad is in hospital, it’s been over a month. He lashed out at my husband and was very clearly manic weeks before but my words were nothing due to him behaving when around drs, crisis team etc. Me and my husband had to leave because I was too frightened to be there, the police escorted us out because I refused to go near him without police there. Even if he wasn’t a threat, my childhood trauma wouldn’t let me go near him. This is the worst he has been since I was 6, when it all began. All these years this has been my nightmare. Yes, he has been unwell since then but not manic. Not manic. Mania is the single most frightening thing I have experienced from my dad, it always ends involves psychosis and delusions.

We came home after we were told he was in hospital and an hour later we had a phonecall from the police saying he had dissapeared. Absolutely petrified I locked myself in the room and of course he came home. The police came to the house and refused to take him, I screamed at them that I couldn’t have him at home and he was supposed to be admitted and I was frightened for my wellbeing and they could do bugger all. I made them call the hospital and get the information they needed to take him and as usual the hospital were useless.

The police finally managed to ask him nicely if they could take him to the hospital, he agreed but we had to go too so he wouldn’t dissapear again. We got to the hospital and were told we had to wait for him to have an assesment. All the doors in psych wards are locked so we were literally locked in a reception room with my psychotic father. 2 hours passed and he wasn’t having any if it. He started smashing things up, screaming and urinating on the floor. I banged on the doors for help. No one came. Some doctors even just walked straight through and ignored us. Some said they would get someone and never came back.

We were at the hospital for 5 hours for an assessment to say he needed to be sectioned. In that time we could have been seriously hurt. Including my dad who was trying to smash the windows so he could “cut his wrists and bleed to death”.

Even the most stupid person could see that he was unwell. He believed he has shut down the news of the world single handedly and he claimed he had loads of corporations that could kill us all at the push of a button. He said he was a millionaire and had loads of women falling at his feet and would do anything for his money.

And then there’s my ignorant mother. Ignorant is a nice word to use. She knew/knows he is ill yet she believes every word he says. She doesn’t understand why he would lie. And to be fair he isn’t lying in his world but in the real world none of what he says is true. So everyday my mum comes into my room and says he’s coming home, setting panic in my heart for me to realise it’s him that says he’s coming home. So it’s not true. But in she comes everyday, “your dad says he’s paying off my debt with his money” “he’s coming home tonight” “he says I need to go and see him and bring him home”. And then there’s his demands. Before he went into hospital he bought every paper he could find because he thought they were worth millions. He gave me and my aunt a stack of papers and said to take them home because he needed to keep them all, we just binned them on the way home. It sounds nasty, I know but at the time he didn’t remember one minute to another so he wouldn’t even know he gave them to us. So he calls mum up. “Your dad said he needs some newspapers and that I need to go and see him this evening”.

1. She doesn’t like him. She doesn’t give a damn about him.
2. She is too stupid to realise that he doesn’t need those things because he is fed at the hospital and the more she goes the more he thinks that she wants him again.
3. She said she is only doing all this because if she doesn’t he will go even more crazy.

So basically I have to deal with dad being in hospital, being frightened of him AND to top it off having a (excuse me) fuckwit mother.

I’ve visited him about 4 or 5 times in the past month even though the bloody hospital is 2 hours away (I don’t drive) and he’s started calling everyday crying and saying I have to visit him every night and if I refuse he gets nasty. I asked them to stop him calling me so he found a mobile phone and called the house saying I can get out of his life and get out of the house if I won’t be at his constant beck and call.

Yes it’s nasty him being in hospital but it’s the first break I’ve had from being emotional stressed out from him and being made to do EVERYTHING for him in I don’t know how many years. It’s nice him being away. And plenty of other people visit. I need a break and I get abuse for it.

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Conversations with mother and the running mouth of a mother in law.

January 30, 2011

Well as with any interaction I have with my mother it was an unpleasant and upsetting one. I said to her we’d go get her a dress for the wedding and said I’d get her something nice and classy then said (as a joke) “but you can’t look nicer than me!” with which she replied that I’m going to get all the attention like I did when I was a baby. That no one cared about her but were cooing over me.

1. I was a baby, that’s what people do.

2. It’s my wedding day, of course me and J get the attention, it’s not bride’s mother appreciation day.

I know she bitter because I want to sit with my friends on my wedding day and with comments like that you can understand why. It would be hell having parents at the head table, his parents would be screaming at eachother and my dad would be dropping food down himself while I try and stop him making a mess, while my mum sat in silence and moped that she was sitting next to dad. How lovely does that sound?

I want to sit with my best friend and giggle and cry tears of happiness while J and his best friend on the other side of me talking about male things and feeling happy. With us being able to turn to eachother with smiles on our faces, I don’t want to sit there feeling miserable and J have to hold me and tell me “it will be okay soon”. The whole room would be able to tell that we were miserable by the way we’d be sitting so close to eachother and trying to be as far away to the people that produced us as possible. We do love our parents but they have treated us so poorly, you could say to me “it’s not easy being a parent”. No, it’s not but there is no excuse for abuse, emotional or physical. It breaks my heart that I can’t have my parents emotionally at my wedding but then I have to accept that they won’t be there and I have to break away from the hope that they will change.

I can see myself sitting there wanting my parents but then knowing it won’t make me happier on the day.

A girl wants her dad there especially, to walk her down the aisle and to say how proud he is of her. The Bipolar monster has taken that opportunity away from me and that is another reason why I will fight this until I die. I don’t want another little girl (or boy)  to lose her dad (or mum) to this illness. I want my dad to walk me down the aisle so much, it makes me cry just thinking about him not being there for me. It hurts to my core. If it could happen I would be so thankful but his depression and shaking and lack of concentration could be utter choas.

Now, the mother in law thing. I got a phonecall from a sweet old lady called M saying how happy she is for me and J, that she understands how the church made me ill because of people running their mouths and telling both of us that neither of us were worthy of eachother. She said that J’s mum had expressed her disagreement of marriage and said that I need hospital treatment. M proceeded to say that both J and I have had to grow up young and are beyond our years because of the responsibilities that we have had to take on having disabled parents but J’s mother would have none of this. She refused to see that her son was a man and saw him as a child. Now you can see from this where the problems arise. Both of us have had constant invalidation of our feelings and no recognition of our achievements, no “I’m proud of you for struggling through this” due to the preoccupation of our parents on themselves. As soon as someone brings up our struggle or our hard times, our parents say “What about us?” Sure they matter too but it’s the fact that they only see themselves.

WE MATTER TOO. And now, it’s too late.

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Dr L: session 9.

November 27, 2010

Well…where do I start.

1) I humiliated myself.

2) I have made no progress.

3) I cried.

4) Dr L isn’t sure what to do with me.

5) With an end I can’t make progress.

 

With the limit of 5 months being set it has become clear to Dr L that there is no possibility to make progress as I am constantly worrying about the end being nigh. With the end being near it means that I can’t do things slowly and will constantly try and get ahead of myself because of knowing there will be an end. Dr L asked me how I felt about there being an ending and here comes the humiliation of bursting into tears and sobbing “please don’t leave me, you’re the only person who’s every really tried and been able to help me”. That’s it, I thought. I’m attached and when the sessions end, I am going to have a nervous breakdown, she’s there for me every week and she’s my weekly constant. I’ve never had a constant. I feel like I can release everything from the week all at once and it feels like such a relief. I just can’t lose that and I don’t want to think about when it’s gone because I’ll feel completely vulnerable and lost again. I can’t bear to be back there again. Even if I’ve made no progress and even if I never do, the fact that I feel safe that I can see Dr L every week would mean I had more chances of surviving this. She said about adding a few more sessions onto the end but I don’t know what that will help. She’s going to leave me at some point. I can’t cope with it. I don’t want to hate her, I really don’t but I know I will be so angry at her for leaving me to fend for myself. Dr SJS doesn’t seem to understand why I can’t make immediate progress. I said I’d had a month of sessions and nothing had really changed yet and he seemed baffled and concluded that maybe CBT wouldn’t help me at all. Maybe his previous patients have progressed immediately and suddenly been “cured” which I highly doubt. He’s so very blunt with me, sometimes it can be quite harsh.

 

But anyway, Dr L, It’s not going to be a pretty sight when I can’t see you anymore.

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This is me, although what I am is not always me.

November 21, 2010

He puts up with everything because he knows that behind my anger, my ugly bitterness and my jealousy that there is something good. Otherwise I’m not sure why he’d stay, sometimes I feel it’s because he doesn’t want to be alone or because I buy him things and I am available 24/7. Or heaven forbid he might actually love me. Why be honest with someone if you don’t love or care about them?

If you love someone with BPD it’s hard to be heard over THEIR problems and THEIR struggle and I guess sometimes your problems become unimportant because you spend so much time worrying about their hurt and fears which are so overwhelming that you need to be on call when they want it or you’re in trouble. I will always try and fix his problems and even when I’m going through the biggest emotional set back, nothing will stop me being there for him. So, unfairly when I’m going through a huge emotional problem I expect him to fix it just like I was able to fix someting small of his. It’s like I can’t see the extent, I just see the problem and everything should be fixed even if it can’t be. Then I get mad and think, well if he won’t try he doesn’t love me, It’s like I’m blinded to what can be helped and what can’t be. I expect too much. I expect from him what I never had from my parents. Unconditional love, support through anything, no harsh critisisms, advice on where my life should go, I love when he tells me I can’t do something dangerous because it shows that he cares. My parents just say to me “it’s your life do whatever you want” and that says to me that they don’t care. I don’t just want a parent though, a parental figure yes but not a parent, I want a partener, a husband. And sometimes I feel he could do all the things in the world to make me happy and I would find a way to make him do more. My expectations of perfection need to be gotten rid of or I will lose him.

I admit this wholeheartedly that I become very scared and anxious when he would prefer to spend time with someone who isn’t me. Unless it is someone I know quite well myself then I become very paranoid and angry. I don’t force myself to be this way, it is fear that someone else is more appealing than me and therefore meaning he is going to leave me for more interesting people. I am not going to delete my last post as It is how I really felt at a given time and it is a true depiction of how I can become. I am not going to lie to any of you. I am here to be honest.

As always, I’m trudging on, S xx

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My real first CBT.

September 25, 2010

Well it definitely wasn’t what I expected. From bad experiences with impatient and intimidating therapists I expected to be avoidant and reserved but I explained to my therapist how I felt and she was the one said that she understood why I would be avoidant and that I don’t have to suddenly get everything right I have to take things slow. I don’t know the meaning of patience, if something takes a long time and has no instant result I’m not keen but I thought I’m here and I can’t give up without trying. My therapist is so lovely, everything I say she seems to understand and if I worry about something then she will write a list of advantages and disadvantages of what I’m worrying about and calm my nerves. I thrive from structure  because I’m used to chaos and things being unpredictable which has always been frightening, so the structure feels safe. Anyway, digressing as usual, she asked about any issues I’d had that week and of course I mentioned my breakdown at my simple issues of my boyfriend leaving to go home, sometimes I have abandonment “freak outs” other times I’m fine, I’m not sure what changes it but this week was a bad one.

Dr L drew out the CBT diagram which had thoughts, behaviours, physical sensations and actions. She asked me what each one involved and how each thing affected both me and him. She wrote everything down and made me feel safe with structure. I didn’t cry once which was a good as every therapy session I can remember I’ve cried. Everything I said was broken down into reasons why I would think that and thinking about whether each thought was rational and whether it would only apply as truth during a certain mood. Which of course was true, I would only believe that my boyfriend didn’t care about me if he was leaving or if i was feeling depressed, otherwise I didn’t believe it at all.  Of course I came to the conclusion that all of my feelings and actions mean I’m a bad, controlling manipulative person and that was when I welled up but I held it back, It’s too exhausting to cry. I think I was pleased what the results because I didn’t feel pressured into perfection immediately and things were at a slow and accommodating pace. With therapy at CAHMs I didn’t really understand what I was supposed to be doing and my therapist sat 10ft away from me and listened to me cry over nothing and seemed to give no support.

My next session is wednesday, she said we’d continue with this ongoing issue of abandonment and insecurity and start to address some of my social anxiety, I’m not worried about it, more not looking forward to the emotional exhaustion letting all these things out can cause.

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More than a few reasons for abandonment issues

September 24, 2010

I always thought my abandonment issues stemmed from my mothers frequent holidays when I was little and feeling unsure if she’d come back. But I just realised a few more things that may have screwed with the original worry and even given me confirmation that all the people I care about infact leave me. This is only a recent development in the past year but extremely significant nonetheless.

Last year a family member revealed that he had a 4 year old child with someone other than his wife. This woman was a big part of my life and felt like a mother to me. Even though we weren’t that close and didn’t see eachother other than family occasions (easter, christmas etc..) she would always light up the room and as she married into the family she was different. My family are quiet and can be vere negative and judgemental people but she would make a room lively and I always loved seeing her from a young age. She made me feel comfortable in a room that otherwise would be quite awkward with forced conversation. When I found out I wasnt shocked, I just thought oh no another issue. Then a few weeks later I heard she would never see any of us again because it hurt too much. I knew holidays would never be the same again and I cried because it was like mourning someone who had made family life bearable from birth.

Now at holidays, He’s there and so is his child and so is the mother of the child, even though they are not in a relationship. Apparently she is part of the family now even if she isnt in a relationship with him. And oh how they adore the child, I’ve never seen such infatuation, which of course I don’t recall recieving as a child. I played with her and didn’t cause a fuss, my mum did and got told to piss off. When i express views that are similar to my mums the family believe that she has brainwashed me, as if I don’t have my own independent view on life and it’s conflicts. My mum’s views are the last I would copy if i didnt believe them. They want me to be really close to my new cousin and try and blot out the reason she’s there. There seemed to be no condemnation of his actions just complete acceptance and happiness at a new family member. I don’t think I’d feel comfortable with the child calling my grandma by the same term. Shes been my grandma and only mine for 18 years. And I’m supposed to deal with this like an adult while they act like nothing bad has happened. I’ve lost someone extremely important to me and it hurts like hell sometimes I will just stop what I’m doing and cry because it feels like I’ve been abandoned. By her and by my whole family who have a new focus. I don’t blame her though, she is a wonderful talented woman and deserves a much better family, I just wish I could still be part of hers. I love you Lucy, please don’t forget me. I’ve always needed you and now I don’t want this family anymore.