I have always been like this with almost everything in my life. I’ll want something so much because someone said no and then if I do get it, I get bored of it and no longer want it. I don’t know whether it’s part of the childish attributes of BPD. I think that’s why consistency and commitment are so difficult because when we do get what we want we no longer want it anymore or it isn’t as amazing as it used to be. It feels like nothing is ever enough and never will be. It’s difficult to write this because I don’t want to upset anyone in my life who reads this.
All I want them to know if I am trying so hard everyday to not be like that. To try and appreciate things that I do have instead of always wanting more. I know J feels that nothing he ever does is good enough because that’s how I make him feel. And in all honesty I know my expectations of him are beyond what any human being could give and that I don’t appreciate him enough. My parents never taught me to appreciate, they taught me to want want want. My mother in her debts and my father in his sexual endeavors and potential marital rapes. I have never felt good enough meaning that I tend to treat others like they aren’t good enough because then I feel better about myself. If they are good enough then why aren’t I? I can be a bully. A horrible bully and yet it seems to only be to the closest person in my life. And I know why I do it. I know he loves me and I know that no matter what I did or said he would still love me, so I abuse that. I know anyone would leave and not put up with me. But he knows that I do it because I hurt and that I don’t mean any of it. He understands why I act the way I do. And no, I’m not saying he should put up with it but for people with BPD, someone who will stick with you through the awful things that go through you and out into the world, is rare.
I called this post what I did because I was just thinking of how much I pined after this boy at church for 3 years knowing he didn’t like me yet a few seconds of getting to know other people and I found the person I would marry. I spent so long trying to live in a fantasy world of what I couldn’t have that I could have missed the most important person in my life. I often wonder what would have happened if I stepped out of my fantasy world maybe even a year earlier? Or even earlier than that, I mean my now husband was there just as long as this other boy I was just too stupid to notice. I know if my best friend is reading this she will definitely agree with me there! It was like the fact that he didn’t want me made me hold on longer because it was more exciting that way. But then someone who wanted me and I wanted too was so much more wonderful. I didn’t have to live in a fake fantasy world because it became real and that was when I realised that the other boy was immature and a bully because he laughed at me with my new choice of happiness because I was no longer interested in him so all he could do was mock me.
I remember only ever liking 2 boys a lot before my husband, both of whom were my friends first and I knew didn’t like me in that way. Yet in a way it was a comfort that I couldn’t have what I wanted because then I couldn’t lose it. I think that’s one of the things that is behind wanting what you can’t have because if you want something you do have and you lose it, you get hurt. If you want something you can’t have you can enjoy wanting it and the anticipation of maybe getting it with the comfort of not being able to lose it. I imagine that if either of those boys did like me back, it wouldn’t have lastest because it was just a fantasy and if they really wanted me then I would have probably avoided them or gone into it and then realised I just enjoyed the fantasy of what things would be like. Of course it would never be that way! I was a teenage girl full of romantic ideas for goodness sake. The difference with J is that it didn’t start off with pining of one person to another. It started with mutual affection so we both shared the same lovely idea of what it would be like to be together so we were able to settle into a relationship together without years of imagining the wonderful, perfect life we would have (it is far from perfect). We could start off together and build things together instead of making up all these fantasy stories beforehand!
But of course because I’d gotten what I wanted it caused problems. I had/have high expectations as I said before and as it was my first relationship I didn’t have a clue what to expect or how I would behave in a relationship. Now, I am chaotic in a relationship. I’m jealous, controlling and a bit mental. But then I am very affection, protective and will do anything for him. Most men/boys run a mile at the thought of a controlling woman. But neither of us knew I was like that until we were in a relationship so he was able to see my family and the way they were and the way I was brought up, so when I became chaotic or controlling he already understood why. It was all very strange for me and he was very clingy, well at least I think so, I have nothing to compare. But I guess I thought that because I don’t have affectionate parents and as an only child with distant parents I was used to being alone. Cuddling was comforting but awkward, I wanted to love it as a child would from a parent, feeling safe and loved but as my experience of love and affection went, it never lasted long and was often met with hostility soon after for no known reason. So I was very anxious. My best friend often said to me how I would sometimes push him away if he was holding me too much or being too close. It was my way of being defensive I guess. But I’m still learning. I love cuddling now and feel eased with how clingy he can be. I don’t call it clingy anymore because I noticed how when my parents would be unpleasant to me, it was then that he become more “clingy”. It wasn’t clingyness, it was protection. He could feel my vulnerability. He does feel my vulnerability. It is very hard for me when I am upset with something to be hugged because I have always dealt with my emotions alone and I am unable to let someone get too close at such a vulnerable time. Usually I will cry on my own, stomp around, maybe scream a little or sometimes cut and then when I have been able to be alone in my pain I am able to let J in and let him hold me. but it is still very hard.
I always digress, back to the point, this new thing called a relationship was very anxiety provoking. I broke up with J numerous times because I just didn’t know how to be a couple AND an independent person. I felt if I had to have my own life path I couldn’t also have a relationship because I can’t be both me and a relationship. I still struggle with this. The jealousy and paranoia I felt was making being in a relationship hard so sometimes it was like the lesser of two evils. Be in a relationship and suffer paranoia, anger and jealousy or leave him and feel like a little bit of you just died. Of course I decided to suffer for love and just work on myself. Yes I still struggle being in a relationship but I know that I won’t always. I sometimes get bored of being in a relationship because I have it but then remember that when I didn’t have a relationship with him anymore I wanted and needed it a lot more and that boredom will come with familiarity, that’s why relationships need constant work and change. Ups and downs are normal and breaking up isn’t the answer to making me want it anymore. I need to learn to want the things I do have instead of craving what I don’t because if I don’t I could ruin a lot of good thing I have which, BPD is generally associated with. Sabotaging the good things in your life because you feel you don’t deserve it or convince yourself you no longer want them because you want more to fill that hideous hole inside.
We want what we can’t have because we don’t appreciate enough what we already have.