Archive for the ‘Love’ Category

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Why do we always want things we can’t have?

October 18, 2011

I have always been like this with almost everything in my life. I’ll want something so much because someone said no and then if I do get it, I get bored of it and no longer want it.  I don’t know whether it’s part of the childish attributes of BPD. I think that’s why consistency and commitment are so difficult because when we do get what we want we no longer want it anymore or it isn’t as amazing as it used to be. It feels like nothing is ever enough and never will be. It’s difficult to write this because I don’t want to upset anyone in my life who reads this.

All I want them to know if I am trying so hard everyday to not be like that. To try and appreciate things that I do have instead of always wanting more. I know J feels that nothing he ever does is good enough because that’s how I make him feel. And in all honesty I know my expectations of him are beyond what any human being could give and that I don’t appreciate him enough. My parents never taught me to appreciate, they taught me to want want want. My mother in her debts and my father in his sexual endeavors and potential marital rapes. I have never felt good enough meaning that I tend to treat others like they aren’t good enough because then I feel better about myself. If they are good enough then why aren’t I? I can be a bully. A horrible bully and yet it seems to only be to the closest person in my life. And I know why I do it. I know he loves me and I know that no matter what I did or said he would still love me, so I abuse that. I know anyone would leave and not put up with me. But he knows that I do it because I hurt and that I don’t mean any of it. He understands why I act the way I do. And no, I’m not saying he should put  up with it but for people with BPD, someone who will stick with you through the awful things that go through you and out into the world, is rare.

I called this post what I did because I was just thinking of how much I pined after this boy at church for 3 years knowing he didn’t like me yet a few seconds of getting to know other people and I found the person I would marry. I spent so long trying to live in a fantasy world of what I couldn’t have that I could have missed the most important person in my life. I often wonder what would have happened if I stepped out of my fantasy world maybe even a year earlier? Or even earlier than that, I mean my now husband was there just as long as this other boy I was just too stupid to notice. I know if my best friend is reading this she will definitely agree with me there! It was like the fact that he didn’t want me made me hold on longer because it was more exciting that way. But then someone who wanted me and I wanted too was so much more wonderful. I didn’t have to live in a fake fantasy world because it became real and that was when I realised that the other boy was immature and a bully because he laughed at me with my new choice of happiness because I was no longer interested in him so all he could do was mock me.

I remember only ever liking 2 boys a lot before my husband, both of whom were my friends first and I knew didn’t like me in that way. Yet in a way it was a comfort that I couldn’t have what I wanted because then I couldn’t lose it. I think that’s one of the things that is behind wanting what you can’t have because if you want something you do have and you lose it, you get hurt. If you want something you can’t have you can enjoy wanting it and the anticipation of maybe getting it with the comfort of not being able to lose it. I imagine that if either of those boys did like me back, it wouldn’t have lastest because it was just a fantasy and if they really wanted me then I would have probably avoided them or gone into it and then realised I just enjoyed the fantasy of what things would be like. Of course it would never be that way! I was a teenage girl full of romantic ideas for goodness sake. The difference with J is that it didn’t start off with pining of one person to another. It started with mutual affection so we both shared the same lovely idea of what it would be  like to be together so we were able to settle into a relationship together without years of imagining the wonderful, perfect life we would have (it is far from perfect). We could start off together and build things together instead of making up all these fantasy stories beforehand!

But of course because I’d gotten what I wanted it caused problems. I had/have high expectations as I said before and as it was my first relationship I didn’t have a clue what to expect or how I would behave in a relationship. Now, I am chaotic in a relationship. I’m jealous, controlling and a bit mental. But then I am very affection, protective and will do anything for him. Most men/boys run a mile at the thought of a controlling woman. But neither of us knew I was like that until we were in a relationship so he was able to see my family and the way they were and the way I was brought up, so when I became chaotic or controlling he already understood why. It was all very strange for me and he was very clingy, well at least I think so, I have nothing to compare. But I guess I thought that because I don’t have affectionate parents and as an only child with distant parents I was used to being alone. Cuddling was comforting but awkward, I wanted to love it as a child would from a parent, feeling safe and loved but as my experience of love and affection went, it never lasted long and was often met with hostility soon after for no known reason. So I was very anxious. My best friend often said to me how I would sometimes push him away if he was holding me too much or being too close. It was my way of being defensive I guess. But I’m still learning. I love cuddling now and feel eased with how clingy he can be. I don’t call it clingy anymore because I noticed how when my parents would be unpleasant to me, it was then that he become more “clingy”. It wasn’t clingyness, it was protection. He could feel my vulnerability. He does feel my vulnerability. It is very hard for me when I am upset with something to be hugged because I have always dealt with my emotions alone and I am unable to let someone get too close at such a vulnerable time. Usually I will cry on my own, stomp around, maybe scream a little or sometimes cut and then when I have been able to be alone in my pain I am able to let J in and let him hold me. but it is still very hard.

I always digress, back to the point, this new thing called a relationship was very anxiety provoking. I broke up with J numerous times because I just didn’t know how to be a couple AND an independent person. I felt if I had to have my own life path I couldn’t also have a relationship because I can’t be both me and a relationship. I still struggle with this. The jealousy and paranoia I felt was making being in a relationship hard so sometimes it was like the lesser of two evils. Be in a relationship and suffer paranoia, anger and jealousy or leave him and feel like a little bit of you just died. Of course I decided to suffer for love and just work on myself. Yes I still struggle being in a relationship but I know that I won’t always. I sometimes get bored of being in a relationship because I have it but then remember that when I didn’t have a relationship with him anymore I wanted and needed it a lot more and that boredom will come with familiarity, that’s why relationships need constant work and change. Ups and downs are normal and breaking up isn’t the answer to making me want it anymore. I need to learn to want the things I do have instead of craving what I don’t because if I don’t I could ruin a lot of good thing I have which, BPD is generally associated with. Sabotaging the good things in your life because you feel you don’t deserve it or convince yourself you no longer want them because you want more to fill that hideous hole inside.

We want what we can’t have because we don’t appreciate enough what we already have.

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Children’s movies and bright eyes.

August 28, 2011

I often notice my inner child come out with I’m with my husband. He allows me to be a child and not feel embarrassed. I can watch children’s TV and cuddle a toy and he will stroke my hair and let me feel comforted. It may sound strange but my therapists have all said for me to have some time to be a child.  I don’t have many cuddly toys but my therapist told me to buy one special toy to have as a comfort. He is a wonderful penguin and he is a great healer and comforter. When I’m feeling upset my husband always brings him to me. It sounds strange even reading it to myself. I really am quite emotionally immature.

People with borderline personality disorder do have the emotional intelligence of a child due to things that may have happened to them. We may lack understanding due to confusion when we are actually children. Personally for me I had two very contrasting and chaotic parents, one parent is sex obsessed and lives on porn and the other thinks anything sexual is bad and wrong, for example. What does a child believe? Now imagine that happens with a lot of other life lessons, contrasting views, where each parent may change their view from one second to the next. Your mind gets scrambled and when you grow up you try and think what you believe but then you aren’t so sure. And with parents like that it is almost impossible to ever be a child. You have to be the adult and I was the only adult in my household. I took care of them.

Most of my family would think it weird or stupid if they knew J indulged in me acting like a child. But it’s not like I go out in public in children’s clothing and wear a dummy, I just allow myself to regress into a childlike state to experience the comfort from J that I never got as a child. When I’m in that state of mind I love watching children’s movies and my eyes light up with excitement when I see a pretty princess or a talking turtle, I sometimes even point and say “look darling that turtle talks!” almost in a child’s voice. It’s such a wonderful feeling. It can also block out the things that are happening around me because I’m a child so they no longer concern me. These behaviours have never worried me because they’ve never lasted for an extended period or to a worrying extent. I’m just able to enjoy being young. Surely when you’ve had no childhood it’s natural to try and be a child when you are out of the situation that took your childhood from you. I have a nice balance though because I am always very adult any other time but as soon as I get to watch a good cartoon or kid’s movie I have the childhood I wasn’t allowed! I hope to watch a turtle’s tale later 🙂

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Self pity.

August 28, 2011

I’m not usually this bad. I simply have to turn the TV on now and I started crying. I watched the simpsons and Homer told Lisa he loved her and I started crying so I turned over to supernanny and the mother was playing happily with her children and I started crying so I turned over to X factor (as a last resort) and the singer was getting praise from the judges and his family and himself were so happy with his achievement so I just turned the bloody thing off. Everything was reducing me to tears. Everything is such a mess. Yes I may be getting away from it all but I’m leaving behind a hospitalised father and a mother who I suspect has autism. She doesn’t recognise that I have ever done anything to make her life any better, although I have been dad’s carer all my life and slept in the same bed with her for 5 years of my late childhood because she said if I didn’t dad would rape her. I’m leaving and all she can do is tell me how useless I am. I’m trying to think of moving forward and starting the new but seeing what a mess my parents are in tears me apart. I don’t feel guilt, I just feel shame and pity. Most teens moving out of home have parental support, while I’m still crying over the fact that my dad can’t even see me off into a new life because he’s in the psych ward. What a way to leave. I’ve always hated the expression “why me?” because the people who use it are often getting upset over a tiny matter in their otherwise okay life but I’m going to say it…Why me? I’m a good person. I don’t know what I did to make all of this happen.

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Competing.

June 25, 2011

So here I am, decided against self harm so I’m not a dissapointment and decide to go on a late night stroll. There’s not many people out and It’s deathly quiet so I thought I’d do some writing.

I thought I would write about the 3 people who (are supposed) to love me most. My parents and my husband. All 3 of them have something in common, something that drains the life out of me on a daily basis and makes the hole inside of me bigger.

Obsessions.

Now, from a young age I have had to compete against my parents obsessions, Merrill Osmond of the Osmond Brothers and Football. I always knew my mum loved Merrill more than me and my dad would never stop talking about football. The only way to ever be with them was to go to an Osmond concert or go to the football. Otherwise I was alone. I felt neglected for these obsessions, passions, whatever you want to call them and It meant I was always fighting for their love and attention although I never believed they would love me more than those things. I was fighting a losing battle so at one point I guess I just gave up fighting for their love and accepted that I wouldn’t get it and I didn’t want to keep havig to do what they wanted to be with them, I wanted to be their choice not their option. My dad has started to be with me more, my mum has never changed.

My husband spends more time gaming than he spends being with me. It feels like exactly the same thing I’ve got through, I feel neglected, unloved and at some points I just leave because I would rather sit in a dark street than sit in a room with my husband feeling more lonely than ever. You can feel lonely if you are alone but the worst lonliness is when you’re with other people and they choose
Not to be with you. At that point, I just wish I didn’t exist, to see if that would make them come away from their obsession and see that I’m alive too.

I’ve screamed, I’ve cried, I’ve cut. In the end they use their passions to further ignore. All of these people have been damaged in their childhood and need something to fill a hole, yet I don’t seem to fit the bill and that makes my hole even bigger.

I try and justify it by thinking maybe it’s just me, maybe I make it all up. Maybe I just want attention too much. Maybe they get so damn sick of me that It’s my fault they would rather be elsewhere and with other people. Maybe if I were better they might love me enough to fill that gap. And that I come back to reality and go and cut myself again.

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Parents, growing up and suicide.

May 2, 2011

Well, wouldn’t you expect a happy blogger after getting hitched? Tis not so. Everything has gone excessively worse in my life since. Not my fault of my marriage but everything else (Okay I admit being married is called borderline anxiety problems but leave this for now). While my anxiety has increased massively since getting married and being diagnosed OCD, I knew something else had to go crazy in my life because my life can’t just have one huge problem at a time. Since I’ve gotten married my dad has finally said that he wants to divorce mum, this is a God send because their marriage is part of the reason that I am, well, writing this now. It just seems so many years too late for it to actually benefit me but at least for it to happen now means that my dad may be able to benefit, as for my mum she is socially inept, can’t make friends, is easily bullied, has a low paying job and has narcissistic tendencies and I believe BPD. I can’t imagine her ever being happy with any situation. Even though I am trying to fuel this divorce, along with my dad’s sister, every now and then I break down and cry. I know I’ve never really had a family as such but the fact that they were physically in the same home meant I could pretend.

I went to the in laws yesterday and it was my father in laws birthday, the family gathered round the table and a cake was brought out as the family sang and my heart broke into a million pieces. Even though my husband’s family are also quite dysfunctional, they love each other and do nice things for each other. I’ve never EVER witnessed either of my parents do something nice for the other and it hurt so much to see that even the most dysfunctional family can still be a family. It hurt that I don’t have a family. I have a mother and I have a father but no family. And now I’m married, I have even less of a family because the part of my parents that made me feel like I had parents was the occasional care of which now they feel they don’t need to give because I’m my husband’s responsibility now. I had this particular conversation with my mother yesterday.

I came home from the in laws for my mother to casually say “your dad went to hospital”, I questioned why she didn’t call to tell me of which she just shrugged her shoulders (her usual response to anything to do with dad) , this then brought up a conversation about how I’ve always loved dad more and how she needs to see the one she loves again (her celebrity obsession who has stepped over the boundaries by being her “friend”). She said she didn’t want to tell me that she was going away because I would “go off on one” I didn’t I said to her, “He (the obsession) cannot solve your problems.” To which she cried to my husband “see I told you, there she goes”. I tried my up most not to judge her and to just tell her that this celebrity can’t make her huge life problems better. She sees me as attacking her no matter what I say, I told her that she needs to sort out this home situation too and that she should of left years ago. She, of course, attacked me again, “you said you wanted to live with dad and he would’ve of raped you!”, she’s playing the hero, living with him to protect me. My dad has never touched me in any way that has ever been inappropriate. If anything she’s been the one who’s been over sexual with me throughout my childhood. She starts to tell me that she is trying to sort out the situation at home, so I asked her what she’s trying to sort out. She wouldn’t tell me, she said now I’m married and moving why do I need to know what’s going on with my my home because I’ll be gone. I told her that just because I’m leaving doesn’t mean I’m just forgotten about but she was set in her view that if I’m gone then I no longer exist in her life and it’s not important what goes on in my family because she doesn’t seem to understand that anything would emotionally effect me. She has a very one person view, she can only understand the way that things affect her. I thought maybe she was going to try and sort out a divorce as well so I tried to get her to tell me what was going on because how ridiculous would it be for both parties to be filing for divorce and the other not knowing. You can see how much communication there really is. She ended up saying how she doesn’t want to say anything because it’ll cause problems, J kept telling her she had to tell us. So she starts crying and says she’s talking to someone at the crisis team. After all she’s put me through I can be horribly unsympathetic to her so I stopped myself blurting out, “IS THAT IT?” To me calling the crisis team is not a big thing at all, I just know that they’re shit. So, she’s trying to get herself emotional support…but I still don’t see how that solves the home problem. She wants to continue living at home but have emotional support? She spent ages saying how nobody ever helped her when dad was first ill but every time we asked if she asked for help she said no but she expected it to just happen. So she feels let down by mental health services and she’s angry at them yet how do you receive if you don’t ask? She complains that dad got help and I got help but she didn’t. One, dad had a psychotic episode, of course someone is going to look after him in hospital. Two, I was a child, when you’re a child, you aren’t expected to ask for help when you go through a traumatic experience. I feel like she blames me but I did all I could throughout my life to help her and yes I did give up because of her constant “nobody cares about me, what about me, nobody ever looks after me”. J kept being sympathetic to her and I couldn’t stand it, she would cry and he hugged her and I just got so mad. If he hugs her and comforts her, she will attach to him and because I refused to hug her, she will have more reason to attack me. There were times that I cried and cried and she shrugged her shoulders at my feelings and said “what about me” and I can no longer let her in emotionally because I only get hurt. I only get left behind. So J’s compassion will be her reasoning for me not caring. He also kept telling her I do care and I do want to listen and I do want to help. I don’t. She is a grown woman, I want her to grow the hell up and start taking responsibility for her actions. She has created this life and she takes no responsibility at all for any of the wrong that happened, It’s all everyone else fault. She only thinks I’m ill because of “your crazy dad”, she doesn’t understand situational depression or that anything she has ever done being a cause for my trauma and pain. And until she accepts responsibility for her own actions I can’t help her. She says she wants to die, yeah well you know what, join the queue.

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Being a little girl again.

February 24, 2011

I wasn’t sure what to write but I felt like I should as I haven’t in a little while. I don’t want to keep talking about J so much because I don’t want people to get sick of hearing about him and how sickeningly in love I am with the fool but bear with me today please 😉

As it’s half term we’ve been spending a lot of time together, I stayed over his for a couple of nights and during that stay I got tonsillitis. Now, If I were home I would have carried on with my day and just moped a little maybe told my parents I wasn’t feeling well so they might notice my existance. But what I notice when I’m with J is that suddenly my illness because a HUGE thing, I cry, I demand attention and I want to be looked after 24/7. It’s like I turn into a little girl, who when she is ill, wants her caregiver and so will cling and cry and take all she can in love and care. It feels really good.

I was able to feel how I wanted to feel, I was allowed to be ill without it being inconvinient for everyone else. As a positive, I was finally able to receive the attention and care that I deserved that I knew I wouldn’t have gotten elsewhere.

As a negative, I subconsciously recognise that being ill means I get love and care resulting in my enjoyment of illness. I like causing a fuss when I’m ill, I want to be noticed, I want some bloody sympathy. I never ever got any sympathy for being ill as a child from my parents so now I crave it. Sometimes I do things without realising, If I accidentally hit my arm, I’ll shout “OUCH!” and get teary and J will comfort me and hold me and then I suddenly realise, that didn’t even hurt, what’s going on? It’s like this inner child is trying to get her well deserved care.

I feel pathetic when I act like my pain or illness is bigger than it is, but when he’s there, it’s like it becomes more because someone will actually care now. My illness matters.

We’re both lacking a lot and as a result we are each others parents. It feels natural for us to ask each others advice on everything and ask each others permission on everything. I need to know that what I am doing is accepted as okay so I can feel good and confident about myself.

Sometimes we even talk to each other in the kind of voice you use with a baby or small child, it’s like some kind of child comfort, we nurtures each others inner children. Hopefully the positives of that can outweigh the negatives.

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Such a Loser.

February 15, 2011

One of my biggest problems is self image, I was so beaten down in the past about my looks and in general the person that I am. This makes me feel like I’m not allowed to do things that other people are allowed to do because if I do it then immediately that thing is made “uncool”.

This has come about today with getting my second tattoo, my self esteem is in the ground so when they’re nice to me at the tattoo parlour sometimes I think they’re secretly laughing at me for wanting something they consider interesting and “cool”. I reckon they think I’m just a wannabe. I still feel like that ugly overweight, young teen who was hated for who she was and how she looked. This is why I’d never go back to education, she rears her ugly head moreso when with large groups of people my own age. I suddenly feel innadequate and stupid and unworthy, even though they may not treat me any different.

I don’t know how to shake the feeling of such hatred towards myself, I want to feel accepted by others of course but I don’t know how to accept myself and that’s a big issue. I don’t know how to be happy with who I am. If I’m asked about my tattoo or my wedding I shrink because I fear judgement and conflict, I start to change the subject or just smile politely and pretend I’m busy. Why can’t I just be proud of me?