Archive for the ‘Madness’ Category

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Conversations with daddy.

June 21, 2011

Very rare and mostly about football. But this time he came knocking on my door, he said he’d been on the Mind website and found a page that described Bipolar really well and he wondered if I had read it. He isn’t very good at computers so he doesn’t realise that you can find millions of pages of information about Bipolar but he wanted to talk to me about it and I am always willing to talk about my issues and his. I said that I have indeed read it and that he should look up Borderline Personality Disorder so maybe he could understand my illness and he was more than happy to learn. We don’t talk about emotions and feelings, he’s a manly man, he doesn’t do crying and showing how he really feels (unless of course he can’t help it due to illness). I always try and get the most I can out of these rare encounters that he wants to know more about what makes me tick and wants to share with me his feelings. He read through the page and didn’t say much. It didn’t matter that he didn’t respond much, I was happy though that he didn’t looked shocked, he read it, took it in and accepted it. He especially concentrated hard on the part that said “how to help someone with BPD”, he read it all out loud. These small things, mean everything. I spoke about mum and how I believe she caused a lot of my problem and I said how I believe she loves her celebrity obsession more than me, to which he responded, “she probably does.” That cut me deep but he knows how that feels, she always loved her obsession more than him too.

We spoke some more and he told me about his breakdowns as if I wasn’t there, maybe blocking out the idea that I had to see this happen. He explained that his first psychotic episode was because he thought my mum was trying to take me away from him (she had threatened this before) but he became irrational and tried to hurt her. All these years I had thought he was trying to kill her because he was “mad” and didn’t know what was happening. When he was actually trying to save me from being taken away. It changes my whole perspective, of course it doesn’t make it better that he tried to hurt her but a parent who loves their child will fight to save them from harm and will never let them be taken away without a battle. My dad was willing to hurt, even kill someone he loved to prevent losing me.

This knowledge is so precious, especially to someone who frequently believes they are unlovable. It’s frightening, of course. But to actually know that someone would go to the ends of the earth for you is in itself, well, madness.

I love you, dad.

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Doomed before the beginning.

February 5, 2011

Do you ever feel like your background dooms you to a life of misery and failure?

In my family only one person (not including me) is in a happy relationship, however this is her second marriage. Not one person is my family has gotten it right first time and except this one person the rest are single and my parents are unhappily married. I feel like my relationship is doomed before we’re even married. With such an unhappy family and with the issues running throughout, I feel like my happiness is only an illusion to keep me going and that something has got to kill us before we get too happy. The fact that the majority of my family are over 50 and single and never had any parteners in the last 18 years makes me wonder what the future holds for me. I often wonder if I mistake my severe neediness for love which results in panic attacks due to the thought of not actually being able to love how normal people do. I then feel severe guilt for stringing J along because I don’t really know how to love. These awful thoughts and panic attacks really mess with our relationship and with my head. I love J. But my head doesn’t want me to, my head wants me to be alone so I don’t have to ever have conflict or become an independent adult in the outside world. My head wants me to hide away and be alone. My heart wants to marry J and start a new life and leave the past behind.

The problem is following my heart over my head. Because every now and then my head wants me dead.

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Reality.

November 7, 2010

I felt like I really pissed my therapist off this week by being “difficult” but then I realised if I was willing to do everything she suggested and was able to do all these things with ease then I wouldn’t need to be there in the first place. Her job is to deal with me being difficult otherwise would I really be ill? I do live in a bubble. Reality from a young age has only done me wrong and therefore I have decided to stay away from reality. Thus ending in having to see a psychiatrist. My therapist says that living in my bubble is what makes me depressed but really it’s the small glimpses of reality that seep into my bubble that cause terror and despair. The idea of leaving my bubble almost breaks me. If I face reality, I see a failure, a reject and someone not worth anything who is destined to be poor with a family riddled with mental illness. In my bubble, I am a writer, an achiever, I am going to be married and have a family and live with happiness and security. And why can’t my bubble beliefs become reality? I pray they do but they are so knocked when reality does rear it’s ugly head. I know I’m hiding, I’m not oblivious to this.

Sometimes I do try to come back to reality, I have a positive moment, I start planning things I can do and then I think and think and something panics me and I retreat again. I curse my brain for letting me even consider stepping out of the bubble and then try and regather my thoughts and the reasons why I hide. I am safe. The thoughts of reality are the thoughts that threaten my life not the ones inside the bubble. The fear is that I know one day I will have to leave. Or will I? I’m just trying to have a simple life, my life up to this point has been chaotic and unpredictable, can you blame me for wanting simplicity. I’ve been severly weakened and just want a peaceful, simple life. Marriage, kids, a simple job, minimal chaos, no…madness. I’m not saying having a family is easy but I’m saying I don’t want years of travelling, degrees, difficulties. I should have been born in the time where life was all drawn out for you, everyone had the same life, the man went to work, the women had children and husbands and were looked after. I was born in the wrong era. I long to be looked after throughout my life, I want to be cared for, loved. I won’t put a career before family, I want my family to be happy, I want to care for them and be cared for by my husband in return. I want simple structure. I just want to be happy. I don’t care if I’m living in the old days, if it makes me happy who are people to judge.

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Dr L part 4: Not much to report.

October 20, 2010

I think if I tell you about every session with Dr L it will only get you terribly repetitive. We talked about my fear of recovery affecting my writing, she reassured me that recovery is the key to real life changing writing. That my writing won’t dissapear because I can’t write about being ill but it will give so much more to write about. I told her about how I called a friend about a problem I was having and she had a grin on her face (I have dependency problems and only really go to my boyfriend about my issues). I don’t know…I don’t feel that CBT after only 4 sessions can suddenly have a big change on my life so I don’t want to think of it that way as we haven’t have enough time to really work through things thouroughly enough. I’ll just see them as random acts that I chose to do on my ways to recovery- which is fricking terrifying.

Now after my appointment my dad’s psych arranged an appointment for him straight after which I attended. His CPN, B, was also there. B knows me well as I’m always there when he comes to see dad. I recognised Dr G and wonder if she had some role in my childhood like my psych Dr SJS, I mean the receptionist welcomes my dad by first name when he comes in. Anyway, this was all to do with my dad’s increased anxiety and restlessness and they came to the conclusion to remove the Citilopram and carry on with sodium valporate and risperidone. So if he’s down in the next week I’ll know why. I think I fear Mania and Psychosis more than Depression and B is going to be coming over every now and then to see how things are. Then we spoke about the MH social groups dad attends and how they are now making people pay if they have over a certain amount of income. Unlucky for dad he’s just got an endowment through and the mortgage is already paid so now he is above the limit of money and would have to pay £35 a week to go to his groups. What a joke. According to the bank, the benefits dad’s getting right now means that all his money will be gone in 5 years. This is before any cuts. So he may be losing a social group, which is so beneficial and all because he has money and doesn’t want to pay £35 a week because of household bills already eating £400 a month of his money. Is anyone really winning with this?

Anyway, Dr G said that apparently if you’ve been hospitalised and classified as section 3 then you can get it free whatever money you earn but dad had only been section 2. So dad mimicked strangling me and we all laughed…I felt a little uncomfortable though.

The things you have to find funny when your life is crap, eh? So basically…dad’s being taken off anti D’s and he’s too rich and not crazy enough to have free socialisation …Hm.

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Madup!

August 21, 2010

 

Have you ever walked up to a group of people been asked if you’re mental and when you reply yes, they cheer? No? Well you’ve never been to a madup xD i started writing this blog after i found Seaneen Molloys blog secret life of a manic depressive and then from there everything kind of took off, new people to talk to, a fan page and now the madup 🙂 it was kind of surreal and I never knew I could feel comfortable around a group of 20 people i’d never met…I think it was because although we’d never met, we knew enough about eachother that we didn’t need long intros on what we do or where we were from. It just felt like a group of friends spending a day together. We also knew that these strangers would be the last people to judge us or ask about scars with a terrified look.
With some people for me it felt like meeting someone from tv, you read all about them on their blog and admire them, they have hundreds of people who read the blogs are are helped by them and I get a chance to meet them. I know it sounds weird but I felt really privileged to meet some these people, I guess i felt better about myself as a blogger because I got to spend time with bloggers who are well known in the madosphere. You should all be very jealous 😉
Thanks especially to Karen: for inviting me!
Kayla and Jenny for travelling with me 🙂
And of course Seaneen for setting up the madup and for writing her blog which inspired mine!

– Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
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Girl, Interrupted.

July 4, 2010

“Crazy isn’t being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It’s you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever.”

” How am I supposed to recover when I don’t even understand my disease?”
“When you don’t want to feel… death can seem like a dream. But, seeing death – really seeing it… makes dreaming about it fucking ridiculous. Maybe, there’s a moment growing up when something peels back… Maybe, maybe, we look for secrets because we can’t believe our minds…”
“I’m not really dead.” “I know.”

So many people don’t understand that you don’t have to be neccesarily “different” to have a mental illness, this film shows the perspective of a person who isn’t “different”, who may be classified as “normal” in society who is told she’s mentally ill. It lets people realise that it can happen to anyone, sure some people may have more chance biologically but this film can really speak to people and tell them the truth. Although this film really affects me when I watch it, I really enjoy it and it reminds me that it’s not wrong for someone to have a mental illness and that we are all people just trying to survive this madness.