Archive for the ‘Movies’ Category

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Children’s movies and bright eyes.

August 28, 2011

I often notice my inner child come out with I’m with my husband. He allows me to be a child and not feel embarrassed. I can watch children’s TV and cuddle a toy and he will stroke my hair and let me feel comforted. It may sound strange but my therapists have all said for me to have some time to be a child.  I don’t have many cuddly toys but my therapist told me to buy one special toy to have as a comfort. He is a wonderful penguin and he is a great healer and comforter. When I’m feeling upset my husband always brings him to me. It sounds strange even reading it to myself. I really am quite emotionally immature.

People with borderline personality disorder do have the emotional intelligence of a child due to things that may have happened to them. We may lack understanding due to confusion when we are actually children. Personally for me I had two very contrasting and chaotic parents, one parent is sex obsessed and lives on porn and the other thinks anything sexual is bad and wrong, for example. What does a child believe? Now imagine that happens with a lot of other life lessons, contrasting views, where each parent may change their view from one second to the next. Your mind gets scrambled and when you grow up you try and think what you believe but then you aren’t so sure. And with parents like that it is almost impossible to ever be a child. You have to be the adult and I was the only adult in my household. I took care of them.

Most of my family would think it weird or stupid if they knew J indulged in me acting like a child. But it’s not like I go out in public in children’s clothing and wear a dummy, I just allow myself to regress into a childlike state to experience the comfort from J that I never got as a child. When I’m in that state of mind I love watching children’s movies and my eyes light up with excitement when I see a pretty princess or a talking turtle, I sometimes even point and say “look darling that turtle talks!” almost in a child’s voice. It’s such a wonderful feeling. It can also block out the things that are happening around me because I’m a child so they no longer concern me. These behaviours have never worried me because they’ve never lasted for an extended period or to a worrying extent. I’m just able to enjoy being young. Surely when you’ve had no childhood it’s natural to try and be a child when you are out of the situation that took your childhood from you. I have a nice balance though because I am always very adult any other time but as soon as I get to watch a good cartoon or kid’s movie I have the childhood I wasn’t allowed! I hope to watch a turtle’s tale later 🙂

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Identity and Independent thinking.

September 26, 2010

My therapist said to me that we get our identity from our parents but although this may be true is it really always a good idea to mold ourselves on our parents or for our parents expect us to be what they want?

I know people who are being exactly what their parents want and who are having almost similar lives to how their parents did when they were their age. Is this a good thing? I don’t think so. It’s like they are reliving their parents former lives and if this continues down the line then where is the variety in lifestyle the different personalities and the change in family values. It seems dull to me. I think the most important family member is the one who chooses to say no to their parents beliefs and values and build their own. People like this experience more and can explore their own indentities further than someone who has chosen to stick to someone elses identity. You probably imagine someone becoming rebellious from a good valued family but I belive it’s healthy either way. To see outside of the family bubble. To create your own indentity sepearate to what you have grown up to become is a feel, the most important thing you can do in life. You can then achieve what you really want without it being what other people may expect from you. It requires a lot of strength too and I think a hell of a lot of open mindedness and creativity to be your own person. Obviously there is no harm is being your parents child and taking on parts of their values but when you take on everything blindly and without questioning just because they’re your parents then I don’t believe you are really fulfilling your own potential. My parents own views on life are so different that I had no choice but to create my own identity but without that secure similarity beteen that it did create identity disturbance so there is a need for some parental similarities in values to help your own identity. I do enjoy being able to make myself in anything I want though because of there being no similarity in views between my parents, I can be anything because I don’t really have set ideas on what I should be. It is bloody hard to know what to be when there is unlimited options but I think I will find it one day.

MY IDENTITY.

My Dad: open minded, sociable, he has no religion and isn’t interested in politics, he is extremely intelligent (a mathematician and scientist of sorts), he has problems with anger and likes going to the pub and watch football.

My Mum: Closed minded, she has a religion but doesn’t really understand it, she is anti social and attention seeking and doesn’t know what politics is, she has BPD traits and believes in honesty and believes that when people do bad things they are bad people. She has an unhealthy obsession with a celebrity and is easily bullied and called a stalker at times.

Me: I believe that there is a creator though of what form I feel isn’t important. I overanalyse anything in a philosophical context. I want to be a writer and I enjoy being a mental health advocate. I have BPD. I am very openminded and due to this feel I cannot be tied down by set beliefs anymore. I don’t drink alcohol because I dislike the taste and like to be in control of my actions. I can be a bit of a guy sometimes but I like to be look feminine at all times. I  like films that are gory and a little sadistic and mess with your head.

I reckon I am an independent thinker and quite proud of that but don’t worry by tomorrow my indentity will be different.

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Girl, Interrupted.

July 4, 2010

“Crazy isn’t being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It’s you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever.”

” How am I supposed to recover when I don’t even understand my disease?”
“When you don’t want to feel… death can seem like a dream. But, seeing death – really seeing it… makes dreaming about it fucking ridiculous. Maybe, there’s a moment growing up when something peels back… Maybe, maybe, we look for secrets because we can’t believe our minds…”
“I’m not really dead.” “I know.”

So many people don’t understand that you don’t have to be neccesarily “different” to have a mental illness, this film shows the perspective of a person who isn’t “different”, who may be classified as “normal” in society who is told she’s mentally ill. It lets people realise that it can happen to anyone, sure some people may have more chance biologically but this film can really speak to people and tell them the truth. Although this film really affects me when I watch it, I really enjoy it and it reminds me that it’s not wrong for someone to have a mental illness and that we are all people just trying to survive this madness.