Archive for the ‘Narcissism’ Category

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Celebrity Worship Syndrome

November 7, 2011

I searched this knowing that I would find some kind of mental illness attached to it. I didn’t know it would be so in depth though. The reason I’m writing this is for one reason. Merrill Osmond (who I will call MO in this article) of the Osmond Brothers is retiring. So what? You say.

Well when someone in your family has CWS and their celebrity obsessee is retiring, you will worry.

Let me give you a few wiki excerts about CWS:

“Psychologists in the U.S.A. and UK. created a celebrity worship scale to rate the problems. In 2002, United States psychologists Lynn McCutcheon, Rense Lange, and James Houran introduced the Celebrity Attitude Scale, a 34 item scale administered to 262 persons living in central Florida.[4] McCutcheon et al. suggested that celebrity worship comprised one dimension in which lower scores on the scale involved individualistic behavior such as watching, listening to, reading and learning about celebrities whilst the higher levels of worship are characterized by empathy, over-identification, and obsession with the celebrity.

However, later research among larger UK samples have suggested there are 3 different aspects to celebrity worship;[5] John Maltby (University of Leicester), and the aforementioned psychologists examined the Celebrity Attitude Scale among 1732 United Kingdom respondents (781 males, 942 females) who were aged between 14 and 62 years and found the following 3 dimensions to celebrity worship:

Entertainment-social

This dimension comprises attitudes that fans are attracted to a favorite celebrity because of their perceived ability to entertain and become a social focus such as “I love to talk with others who admire my favorite celebrity” and “I like watching and hearing about my favorite celebrity when I am with a large group of people”.

Intense-personal

Intense-personal aspect of celebrity worship reflects intensive and compulsive feelings about the celebrity, akin to the obsessional tendencies of fans often referred to in the literature; for example “I share with my favorite celebrity a special bond that cannot be described in words” and “When something bad happens to my favorite celebrity I feel like it happened to me’”.

Borderline-pathological

This dimension is typified by uncontrollable behaviors and fantasies regarding scenarios involving their celebrities, such as “I have frequent thoughts about my favorite celebrity, even when I don’t want to” and “my favorite celebrity would immediately come to my rescue if I needed any type of help”. ”

Now I would say that most of us experience the first one. We have a favorite celebrity and if something of theirs comes out to buy then we’ll buy it, this one doesn’t seem to be a large problem. The second one sounds like a lot of the fans who say “Justin Bieber is my life” and they are usually quite young. They generally grow out of it as they mature. Now the 3rd one shows some mental health problems, delusional thoughts about someone they don’t know personally.

My mother is the majority intense- personal but can be borderline-pathological.

“Evidence indicates that poor mental health is correlated with celebrity worship. Researchers have examined the relationship between celebrity worship and mental health in United Kingdom adult samples. Maltby et al. (2001) found evidence to suggest that the intense-personal celebrity worship dimension was related to higher levels of depression and anxiety. Similarly, Maltby et al., in 2004, found that the intense-personal celebrity worship dimension was not only related to higher levels of depression and anxiety, but also higher levels of stress, negative affect, and reports of illness.”

People who become obsessed with things generally have a problem. They have holes in their lives that they fill with things, routines and people. It’s normal to want to do it but sometimes it can go too far.

Celebrity Worship syndrome I would say is one of the main causes of my BPD. My mother’s obsession lead to me feeling lesser than MO and less loved than he was by her. She would pay and still does hundreds of pounds of items of his clothing or stupid items he had touched. They hang on her bedroom walls along with thousands (literally) of pictures and posters of him. She turned the marital bedroom into a shrine and my dad now has his own room. She has no money and numerous credit cards. She works to so she can see MO while my dad worked for me and mum. Everything she did and does is for him. She would leave frequently to other contries to where he was often leaving me with a very mentally unwell father. My feelings of abandonment come from my mother leaving me for MO more than once a year, without telling me beforehand so as not to upset me. Although not being told meant that she would leave unexpectedly and it made like seem very unpredictable. It often reminds of the Strange Situation I started off as the secure child, crying when she left, happy she was home but the more and more it happened the more I became Anxious-resistant insecure, I would cry when she left and when she came home, I would be resistant and not want to see her and accept her holiday present with reluctance. It was a difficult pattern and when your parent has CWS you start to hate the Celebrity more and more. She believes that MO can solves all of her problems, he can cure her sorrows and troubles. She won’t listen if you tell her that he will never fall in love with her and that he isn’t interested in making her life better because he has his own life. He may recognise her when she goes to see him but when she pours out her soul about all of her problems, he can’t do anything about it and he knows it’s not his place to. In ways he has crossed boundaries because he is such a nice person and does want to help but then she sees this as him loving her and wanting to save her from her misery. I remember when I met MO it felt very strange, he was so lovely that I wondered why I hated him in the first place, then I realised I shouldn’t have been directing my hatred towards him because it’s not his fault he’s alive. Then it started turning more towards my mother. She believes she is in love with him. But infatuation and obsession is not love. It’s not love at all.

Just thinking about it is reducing me to tears. She always loved him more and she still does. Dad has even said it too, she loves MO more than both of us. Now MO is retiring at the end of next year and I’m scared mum is going to die. She always told me if anything happened and she couldn’t see him again she would kill herself. If I died she wouldn’t kill herself because she would still have MO in her life. Surely it should be the other way around?

How am I supposed to deal with that? How as I child was I supposed to deal with that? Knowing you aren’t as good as some strange in your mothers life.

Edit: I remembered I had this picture that I took of a list I found written by my mother.

If you can’t read it, it says.

List of blessings that I am grateful for!

Merrill.

My hair.

A good pair of working eyes.

My beautiful cat.

Microwave.

Savannah (I scribbled out my real name on paint to protect anon)

I was last on her list and in a different pen to everything else, meaning I wasn’t originally added but was thought about at a later point. Sure I’m on the list I guess but to be below the microwave and her hair…

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Why do we always want things we can’t have?

October 18, 2011

I have always been like this with almost everything in my life. I’ll want something so much because someone said no and then if I do get it, I get bored of it and no longer want it.  I don’t know whether it’s part of the childish attributes of BPD. I think that’s why consistency and commitment are so difficult because when we do get what we want we no longer want it anymore or it isn’t as amazing as it used to be. It feels like nothing is ever enough and never will be. It’s difficult to write this because I don’t want to upset anyone in my life who reads this.

All I want them to know if I am trying so hard everyday to not be like that. To try and appreciate things that I do have instead of always wanting more. I know J feels that nothing he ever does is good enough because that’s how I make him feel. And in all honesty I know my expectations of him are beyond what any human being could give and that I don’t appreciate him enough. My parents never taught me to appreciate, they taught me to want want want. My mother in her debts and my father in his sexual endeavors and potential marital rapes. I have never felt good enough meaning that I tend to treat others like they aren’t good enough because then I feel better about myself. If they are good enough then why aren’t I? I can be a bully. A horrible bully and yet it seems to only be to the closest person in my life. And I know why I do it. I know he loves me and I know that no matter what I did or said he would still love me, so I abuse that. I know anyone would leave and not put up with me. But he knows that I do it because I hurt and that I don’t mean any of it. He understands why I act the way I do. And no, I’m not saying he should put  up with it but for people with BPD, someone who will stick with you through the awful things that go through you and out into the world, is rare.

I called this post what I did because I was just thinking of how much I pined after this boy at church for 3 years knowing he didn’t like me yet a few seconds of getting to know other people and I found the person I would marry. I spent so long trying to live in a fantasy world of what I couldn’t have that I could have missed the most important person in my life. I often wonder what would have happened if I stepped out of my fantasy world maybe even a year earlier? Or even earlier than that, I mean my now husband was there just as long as this other boy I was just too stupid to notice. I know if my best friend is reading this she will definitely agree with me there! It was like the fact that he didn’t want me made me hold on longer because it was more exciting that way. But then someone who wanted me and I wanted too was so much more wonderful. I didn’t have to live in a fake fantasy world because it became real and that was when I realised that the other boy was immature and a bully because he laughed at me with my new choice of happiness because I was no longer interested in him so all he could do was mock me.

I remember only ever liking 2 boys a lot before my husband, both of whom were my friends first and I knew didn’t like me in that way. Yet in a way it was a comfort that I couldn’t have what I wanted because then I couldn’t lose it. I think that’s one of the things that is behind wanting what you can’t have because if you want something you do have and you lose it, you get hurt. If you want something you can’t have you can enjoy wanting it and the anticipation of maybe getting it with the comfort of not being able to lose it. I imagine that if either of those boys did like me back, it wouldn’t have lastest because it was just a fantasy and if they really wanted me then I would have probably avoided them or gone into it and then realised I just enjoyed the fantasy of what things would be like. Of course it would never be that way! I was a teenage girl full of romantic ideas for goodness sake. The difference with J is that it didn’t start off with pining of one person to another. It started with mutual affection so we both shared the same lovely idea of what it would be  like to be together so we were able to settle into a relationship together without years of imagining the wonderful, perfect life we would have (it is far from perfect). We could start off together and build things together instead of making up all these fantasy stories beforehand!

But of course because I’d gotten what I wanted it caused problems. I had/have high expectations as I said before and as it was my first relationship I didn’t have a clue what to expect or how I would behave in a relationship. Now, I am chaotic in a relationship. I’m jealous, controlling and a bit mental. But then I am very affection, protective and will do anything for him. Most men/boys run a mile at the thought of a controlling woman. But neither of us knew I was like that until we were in a relationship so he was able to see my family and the way they were and the way I was brought up, so when I became chaotic or controlling he already understood why. It was all very strange for me and he was very clingy, well at least I think so, I have nothing to compare. But I guess I thought that because I don’t have affectionate parents and as an only child with distant parents I was used to being alone. Cuddling was comforting but awkward, I wanted to love it as a child would from a parent, feeling safe and loved but as my experience of love and affection went, it never lasted long and was often met with hostility soon after for no known reason. So I was very anxious. My best friend often said to me how I would sometimes push him away if he was holding me too much or being too close. It was my way of being defensive I guess. But I’m still learning. I love cuddling now and feel eased with how clingy he can be. I don’t call it clingy anymore because I noticed how when my parents would be unpleasant to me, it was then that he become more “clingy”. It wasn’t clingyness, it was protection. He could feel my vulnerability. He does feel my vulnerability. It is very hard for me when I am upset with something to be hugged because I have always dealt with my emotions alone and I am unable to let someone get too close at such a vulnerable time. Usually I will cry on my own, stomp around, maybe scream a little or sometimes cut and then when I have been able to be alone in my pain I am able to let J in and let him hold me. but it is still very hard.

I always digress, back to the point, this new thing called a relationship was very anxiety provoking. I broke up with J numerous times because I just didn’t know how to be a couple AND an independent person. I felt if I had to have my own life path I couldn’t also have a relationship because I can’t be both me and a relationship. I still struggle with this. The jealousy and paranoia I felt was making being in a relationship hard so sometimes it was like the lesser of two evils. Be in a relationship and suffer paranoia, anger and jealousy or leave him and feel like a little bit of you just died. Of course I decided to suffer for love and just work on myself. Yes I still struggle being in a relationship but I know that I won’t always. I sometimes get bored of being in a relationship because I have it but then remember that when I didn’t have a relationship with him anymore I wanted and needed it a lot more and that boredom will come with familiarity, that’s why relationships need constant work and change. Ups and downs are normal and breaking up isn’t the answer to making me want it anymore. I need to learn to want the things I do have instead of craving what I don’t because if I don’t I could ruin a lot of good thing I have which, BPD is generally associated with. Sabotaging the good things in your life because you feel you don’t deserve it or convince yourself you no longer want them because you want more to fill that hideous hole inside.

We want what we can’t have because we don’t appreciate enough what we already have.

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Protected: I want to…

September 1, 2011

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Parents, growing up and suicide.

May 2, 2011

Well, wouldn’t you expect a happy blogger after getting hitched? Tis not so. Everything has gone excessively worse in my life since. Not my fault of my marriage but everything else (Okay I admit being married is called borderline anxiety problems but leave this for now). While my anxiety has increased massively since getting married and being diagnosed OCD, I knew something else had to go crazy in my life because my life can’t just have one huge problem at a time. Since I’ve gotten married my dad has finally said that he wants to divorce mum, this is a God send because their marriage is part of the reason that I am, well, writing this now. It just seems so many years too late for it to actually benefit me but at least for it to happen now means that my dad may be able to benefit, as for my mum she is socially inept, can’t make friends, is easily bullied, has a low paying job and has narcissistic tendencies and I believe BPD. I can’t imagine her ever being happy with any situation. Even though I am trying to fuel this divorce, along with my dad’s sister, every now and then I break down and cry. I know I’ve never really had a family as such but the fact that they were physically in the same home meant I could pretend.

I went to the in laws yesterday and it was my father in laws birthday, the family gathered round the table and a cake was brought out as the family sang and my heart broke into a million pieces. Even though my husband’s family are also quite dysfunctional, they love each other and do nice things for each other. I’ve never EVER witnessed either of my parents do something nice for the other and it hurt so much to see that even the most dysfunctional family can still be a family. It hurt that I don’t have a family. I have a mother and I have a father but no family. And now I’m married, I have even less of a family because the part of my parents that made me feel like I had parents was the occasional care of which now they feel they don’t need to give because I’m my husband’s responsibility now. I had this particular conversation with my mother yesterday.

I came home from the in laws for my mother to casually say “your dad went to hospital”, I questioned why she didn’t call to tell me of which she just shrugged her shoulders (her usual response to anything to do with dad) , this then brought up a conversation about how I’ve always loved dad more and how she needs to see the one she loves again (her celebrity obsession who has stepped over the boundaries by being her “friend”). She said she didn’t want to tell me that she was going away because I would “go off on one” I didn’t I said to her, “He (the obsession) cannot solve your problems.” To which she cried to my husband “see I told you, there she goes”. I tried my up most not to judge her and to just tell her that this celebrity can’t make her huge life problems better. She sees me as attacking her no matter what I say, I told her that she needs to sort out this home situation too and that she should of left years ago. She, of course, attacked me again, “you said you wanted to live with dad and he would’ve of raped you!”, she’s playing the hero, living with him to protect me. My dad has never touched me in any way that has ever been inappropriate. If anything she’s been the one who’s been over sexual with me throughout my childhood. She starts to tell me that she is trying to sort out the situation at home, so I asked her what she’s trying to sort out. She wouldn’t tell me, she said now I’m married and moving why do I need to know what’s going on with my my home because I’ll be gone. I told her that just because I’m leaving doesn’t mean I’m just forgotten about but she was set in her view that if I’m gone then I no longer exist in her life and it’s not important what goes on in my family because she doesn’t seem to understand that anything would emotionally effect me. She has a very one person view, she can only understand the way that things affect her. I thought maybe she was going to try and sort out a divorce as well so I tried to get her to tell me what was going on because how ridiculous would it be for both parties to be filing for divorce and the other not knowing. You can see how much communication there really is. She ended up saying how she doesn’t want to say anything because it’ll cause problems, J kept telling her she had to tell us. So she starts crying and says she’s talking to someone at the crisis team. After all she’s put me through I can be horribly unsympathetic to her so I stopped myself blurting out, “IS THAT IT?” To me calling the crisis team is not a big thing at all, I just know that they’re shit. So, she’s trying to get herself emotional support…but I still don’t see how that solves the home problem. She wants to continue living at home but have emotional support? She spent ages saying how nobody ever helped her when dad was first ill but every time we asked if she asked for help she said no but she expected it to just happen. So she feels let down by mental health services and she’s angry at them yet how do you receive if you don’t ask? She complains that dad got help and I got help but she didn’t. One, dad had a psychotic episode, of course someone is going to look after him in hospital. Two, I was a child, when you’re a child, you aren’t expected to ask for help when you go through a traumatic experience. I feel like she blames me but I did all I could throughout my life to help her and yes I did give up because of her constant “nobody cares about me, what about me, nobody ever looks after me”. J kept being sympathetic to her and I couldn’t stand it, she would cry and he hugged her and I just got so mad. If he hugs her and comforts her, she will attach to him and because I refused to hug her, she will have more reason to attack me. There were times that I cried and cried and she shrugged her shoulders at my feelings and said “what about me” and I can no longer let her in emotionally because I only get hurt. I only get left behind. So J’s compassion will be her reasoning for me not caring. He also kept telling her I do care and I do want to listen and I do want to help. I don’t. She is a grown woman, I want her to grow the hell up and start taking responsibility for her actions. She has created this life and she takes no responsibility at all for any of the wrong that happened, It’s all everyone else fault. She only thinks I’m ill because of “your crazy dad”, she doesn’t understand situational depression or that anything she has ever done being a cause for my trauma and pain. And until she accepts responsibility for her own actions I can’t help her. She says she wants to die, yeah well you know what, join the queue.

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Conversations with mother and the running mouth of a mother in law.

January 30, 2011

Well as with any interaction I have with my mother it was an unpleasant and upsetting one. I said to her we’d go get her a dress for the wedding and said I’d get her something nice and classy then said (as a joke) “but you can’t look nicer than me!” with which she replied that I’m going to get all the attention like I did when I was a baby. That no one cared about her but were cooing over me.

1. I was a baby, that’s what people do.

2. It’s my wedding day, of course me and J get the attention, it’s not bride’s mother appreciation day.

I know she bitter because I want to sit with my friends on my wedding day and with comments like that you can understand why. It would be hell having parents at the head table, his parents would be screaming at eachother and my dad would be dropping food down himself while I try and stop him making a mess, while my mum sat in silence and moped that she was sitting next to dad. How lovely does that sound?

I want to sit with my best friend and giggle and cry tears of happiness while J and his best friend on the other side of me talking about male things and feeling happy. With us being able to turn to eachother with smiles on our faces, I don’t want to sit there feeling miserable and J have to hold me and tell me “it will be okay soon”. The whole room would be able to tell that we were miserable by the way we’d be sitting so close to eachother and trying to be as far away to the people that produced us as possible. We do love our parents but they have treated us so poorly, you could say to me “it’s not easy being a parent”. No, it’s not but there is no excuse for abuse, emotional or physical. It breaks my heart that I can’t have my parents emotionally at my wedding but then I have to accept that they won’t be there and I have to break away from the hope that they will change.

I can see myself sitting there wanting my parents but then knowing it won’t make me happier on the day.

A girl wants her dad there especially, to walk her down the aisle and to say how proud he is of her. The Bipolar monster has taken that opportunity away from me and that is another reason why I will fight this until I die. I don’t want another little girl (or boy)  to lose her dad (or mum) to this illness. I want my dad to walk me down the aisle so much, it makes me cry just thinking about him not being there for me. It hurts to my core. If it could happen I would be so thankful but his depression and shaking and lack of concentration could be utter choas.

Now, the mother in law thing. I got a phonecall from a sweet old lady called M saying how happy she is for me and J, that she understands how the church made me ill because of people running their mouths and telling both of us that neither of us were worthy of eachother. She said that J’s mum had expressed her disagreement of marriage and said that I need hospital treatment. M proceeded to say that both J and I have had to grow up young and are beyond our years because of the responsibilities that we have had to take on having disabled parents but J’s mother would have none of this. She refused to see that her son was a man and saw him as a child. Now you can see from this where the problems arise. Both of us have had constant invalidation of our feelings and no recognition of our achievements, no “I’m proud of you for struggling through this” due to the preoccupation of our parents on themselves. As soon as someone brings up our struggle or our hard times, our parents say “What about us?” Sure they matter too but it’s the fact that they only see themselves.

WE MATTER TOO. And now, it’s too late.

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A selfish society.

January 25, 2011

I don’t think I could go through my life NOT being an advocate for mental health. I don’t believe I have been born to help people but I believe that all decent people should make the choice (whether it be in the smallest way) to help people who need it. I get very frustrated when I see people who have so much, complaining about their lifestyle when there are people out there living on the streets who can’t even eat. We live in a selfish society, where you put number one first or you won’t get to the top. People who dedicate their lives to helping others don’t get enough respect, they should be the highest paid people in the country because they are doing something worthwhile. Yet those people who work to satisy their own material needs and cheat others out of their money and their happiness are the ones who are at the top, who have the power. The kindest, most modest people seem to be at the bottom because others feel it right to tread allover those who put others first.

Until I die, I will try and help as many human beings (and other living things) that I can because if I don’t improve another’s life then mine has been wasted. Whether it be through a letter to cheer someone up, charity donations, volunteering in a soup kitchen at Christmas or just letting someone know that I will be there. They can require such small sacrifices of time or even small money donations. Through this blog, I try and help people understand mental illness, so they can know that even though their thoughts might not be normal, they aren’t the only ones experiencing them. If I’ve educated one person in anything to do with mental illness or if I’ve put a smile on someone’s face then that’s good enough for me because changes start small. In our society in not cool to be kind but I think that needs to change.

Sometimes we do need to think just about us, we need rest and help and healing too. But that’s not selfish, it’s healthy. Keep blogging everyone 😀

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Hate is a strong word? Then it’s perfect.

December 2, 2010

If I were still in the Mormon Church I would be classed as unworthy because of my feelings towards my family but that’s ignorance right there. How can you forgive something that is ongoing and never stops?

I think I’ve had just about enough, now don’t you dare think this is a teenage “my parent’s don’t understand me, I hate them!” balls because I scream. I have been neglected, abused, stepped all over, guilt tripped and emotionally blackmailed so many times and It has wittled me down to almost nothing. My CBT has opened up a lot for me, my excuses for letting my parents do these things to me and not stick up for myself were that I felt sorry for them and they’re both ill. But I can’t carry on giving in to my mum’s emotional guilt trips or my dad’s blackmailing, they may be ill but that doesn’t mean they have a right to use and abuse me. I am their daughter, I shouldn’t have to take my mum to hospital if she feels ill or put my dad’s socks on every morning, I am fnejfwuniu sick of it all. I want out. I want f***ing out, now.

Mum

I was born to love mum. She wanted a child because she wanted a living “thing” to love her unconditionally and make her feel good about herself and be hers forever. She would then get angry and abusive to this thing if it didn’t give her what she wanted in love and affection or if it had it own needs. How dare it have it own needs. How dare it cry, hit it that should (as she’d say) “shut it up”. She says she never loved dad and just wanted to be looked after all her life, this has been the case financially anyway. I’m sure that she did love him but when things got tough and he had a breakdown she claims she never loved him so she had no responsibility for caring for him. After dad’s breakdown it was all about her, she was the poor wife who’s husbanhad a breakdown. Little S was left to fend for herself. Mum would go away a lot to “get away” leaving little S feeling scared that dad would kill her in the night, he would become psychotic. Little S didn’t know what was going on or where mummy had gone or if she was going to come back. Then when mum came back little S was expected to be excited about her return and love her all the same, she would cry when mum went away and be hostile when she came back. Mum wouldn’t have any of it, she wasn’t doing anything wrong and should be love unconditionally no matter what she did/does.

As I grew up, she was possessive, didn’t like me liking other family members, I was her posession. I felt guilty seeing my my aunt who I love because I knew it would upset mum and make her feel unloved. I remember once to get back at her I made a photoboard and had pictures of me and all of my family members seperately except her, I was sick of how she treated me and I wanted her to know that. If I was upset I hid and cried alone, I would be told I was silly for crying and my feelings invalidated. If she cried I had to comfort her and tell her I loved her, even If I didn’t feel it at the time. Once I just screamed “BITCH!!” and she ran into the kitchen crying and shouted “nothing loves me, I’m going to kill myself!!” It makes me so so angry just writing this, how dare she threaten suicide to a little girl. How dare she play the victim when I was the one hurting and why the hell should I have had to comfort her? But it’s what I did, I reassured her she was loved and then shut myself in my room. I konw what you may be thinking, it sounds like she has BPD right? Well that’s what I think and I said to Dr L that I feel hypocritical getting angry at her for BPD traits but she told me that I shouldn’t because at least I’m getting help and trying to change. Which is very true, I hate myself for my BPD traits and I actually feel guilt whereas my mother seems to feel no guilt and not care about anyone but herself. Now that I am ill, she is invalidating, doesn’t understand why I feel the way I do, she blames herself sometimes and I don’t correct her. As she is correct anyway. She says that she’s able to have a job, she’s able to live her life. This makes me feel worse but then I remember that she is miserable and she only has herself to blame for it, she hates her husband yet she still lives with him and his finance which is incapactiy benefit, while using her own wages for her leisure, why should contribute eh? She’s unhappy. It’s not like she could move out or anything is it, it’s not like she could start a fresh new life without him and maybe be happy. Heaven forbid.

Dad

Well dad has Bipolar, although doesn’t mean his behavious too can be excused. I know pleasantly nice people with Bipolar who love their kids more than anything. I know my dad loves me, he is just unable to show it. I have always been a daddys girl, not neccesarily because he was the most loving but he was the only one who took me out places and always wanted to do things with me. He would love to take me to the farm or to watch football with him and I never remember doing anything like that with mum or her even coming along. I’m never sure what behaviour and Bipolar and what behaviour was just him but everything I did was wrong, If I accidentally knocked something or fell I was a “stupid child” and hit until I screamed and ran away. If i was ever hyper I was told to shut up and stop showing off, I was always such a quiet child. I learnt that if I was quiet then it meant I couldn’t do or say anything wrong. I still managed to somehow though. Not to mention I had no clue until about 2 years ago when I asked dad what illness my dad said and he said “I think it’s Bipolar” and then I actually knew, before then I wasn’t even told what was wrong or what was going on. There is no communication and if you want to know something in the family, you’ll either find out by asking or by asking a million irrelevant questions until something happens to come out. He was hospitlised 3 times and to me it felt like a limetime and I would always cry in my room alone because I wanted my daddy back. I didn’t know what was going on and why everything was so chaotic, I only remember that mum never wanted to visit and always complained when we did go. I’ll never forgive her for being so uncaring. But then it seems as I’ve gotten older he’s realised that if his wife won’t look after him then his maturing daughter can take to the wife role, take him to appointments, do the shopping, put his socks on, make sure he take his meds and the like. Now this has all happened in the last 2 years and It’s the most degrading feeling to have someone tell you to put their socks on and then if you don’t they stress and scream and cry if you don’t. I HATE emotional blackmail and I hate that my mother sits back and allows this to happen, I say to her I don’t want to do it and she says I don’t have to but who else will make sure he doesn’t have another break down, she bloody sure won’t.

I really really am praying (figure of speech) that I can get out next year with J, he wants to go to Uni far from here so we can both just live and get away from this horrible pain, anxiety and stress. We both need to release form our restricting unhelpful parents. He wants to live with me near wherever needed and start a “real” life.

Sure, I’ll have to look after him but the difference is, he will look after me back.

Of course I have the panic of, what the hell will happen to my parents. My mum will surely hate me for leaving her and will do anything she can to be spiteful and childish. Dad will care that I’m going but he won’t show it, he will support my choice and be happy for me. Please let me get out, please, get me out. I can’t die here.

It’ll be sad to never have my parents involved in my life but in all honesty, they have earned no rights to be.