Archive for the ‘Physical’ Category

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Sometimes I act Crazy: Impulsivity and Self Harm

August 26, 2010

 

I am currently reading Sometimes I act Crazy. I am up to the chapter on the impulsitvity of borderlines and it explained that the difference in impulsivity with self harm is that with borderline it is mostly triggered by a dissapointment and not random. I thought that sounded very true, I don’t usually self harm without some kind of disappointment or feeling of abandonment. Although, in a way it made it sound like with other illnesses self harm is random, which I didn’t feel fair. But I wouldn’t know. My dad’s form of self harm is picking at wounds so they don’t heal, bad personal hygiene and just general not caring for himself. Which is definately different to mine. As mine is “planned”. I decide I’m going to do it, whereas neglect of hygeine and skin picking isn’t neccesarily decided upon, you just do it when you’re not feeling too good, out of laziness or just not caring.

I know I write about self harm a lot but so many people misunderstand. It is better that summer is almost over as I can don a cardigan all the time and not boil but sometimes I feel I shouldn’t be ashamed and go out without one anyway. I’m not neccasarily trying to show off my scars but I don’t want to have to hide myself just incase someone wants to judge me. In a way I hope someone who sees my scars will want to know why and maybe look up self harm online and even educate themselves, but I guess that might be wishful thinking and they will think I’m disturbed.

I remember when my aunt, who works as a receptionist at the child and family clinic, said to me “have you ever heard of something called cutting?” I looked at her confused and said of course I have. I was in shock that she had never heard of self harm or even knew that some people hurt themselves when depressed. She then asked if I I’d ever done and oddly I said in a cheerful voice yeah, as if I was stating the obvious. She was in shock when she saw my arms and I felt like saying “it’s not a big deal” because to me, it doesn’t feel like a big deal. I could be hurting my internal with drugs and alcohol instead. But it seems more acceptable to do that. When I see someone who has SH scars, I smile sadly. I’m not happy that they’re self harming but that they are not ashamed of their pain and that they are still here is enough. It makes me feel less alone. I want to say to them, “we can do this together”. And we can.

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Emotional/Physical Abuse…both just as damaging?

June 14, 2010


I believe they can be. If a child grows up being told they aren’t good enough, they’re “stupid”, as a teen and adult this will be what they believe of themselves. There are some who battle endlessly to prove their parents wrong yet with one fall it can feel like the parents are proved right then that stumble becomes a reason to not get back up again. They, to themselves become “worthless” just like they said, why would they say it if it wasn’t true?

Well they say it because they themselves have been hurt my their own upbringing. A child can’t fight back, so they become the next victim of what may have been a generation of emotionally damaging and neglectful behaviour that wasn’t corrected. Is it then up to the child to seek the help that’s needed so the actions aren’t repeated with their own children.

The difference with physical and emotional abuse is that the physical, if severe can be seen more clearly than any emotional effects. But they can be just as painful. Physical things are always taken more seriously that that which can’t be seen. This is the same for a mental ailment and a physical one. If someone cannot work because of a physical thing such as a broken leg or arm then that’s okay. If someone cannot work because they cannot control certain emotions and find concentration difficult without an angry outburst or crying then you get told “cheer up” “get over it”, I think this is wrong. Mental wellbeing can push you through any physical damage, with a broken leg you can still cope with day to day life. With emotional instability, every day can be painful and unwanted. Just because you can’t see a “mental illness” it does not give people to right to judge someone when they can’t cope with everyday life and say “we all have to do it”…just think some of us find it harder than others and we all may do it but the people who say that have ways of coping with “everyday” and have more control.

I’m not saying it’s better to be physically abused because it’s not, physical goes hand in hand with emotional. I just feel that emotional abuse can be overlooked because there aren’t bumps on bruises on the exterior.

How many times have you read about suicides over bullying? Sometimes it’s just over the internet. I have never understood “stick and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me”…it may make someone feel good to say that to themselves at an older age but as a child everything that is said to you shapes your thoughts as a young adult and adult. So I’d change it to “sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me when I’m a fully developed adult who has never been emotionally abused or neglected”. Although that’s even doubtful.

In conclusion I got carried away and forget my original point so make of it what you will…go tell someone you love them today 🙂 ❤