I am currently reading Sometimes I act Crazy. I am up to the chapter on the impulsitvity of borderlines and it explained that the difference in impulsivity with self harm is that with borderline it is mostly triggered by a dissapointment and not random. I thought that sounded very true, I don’t usually self harm without some kind of disappointment or feeling of abandonment. Although, in a way it made it sound like with other illnesses self harm is random, which I didn’t feel fair. But I wouldn’t know. My dad’s form of self harm is picking at wounds so they don’t heal, bad personal hygiene and just general not caring for himself. Which is definately different to mine. As mine is “planned”. I decide I’m going to do it, whereas neglect of hygeine and skin picking isn’t neccesarily decided upon, you just do it when you’re not feeling too good, out of laziness or just not caring.
I know I write about self harm a lot but so many people misunderstand. It is better that summer is almost over as I can don a cardigan all the time and not boil but sometimes I feel I shouldn’t be ashamed and go out without one anyway. I’m not neccasarily trying to show off my scars but I don’t want to have to hide myself just incase someone wants to judge me. In a way I hope someone who sees my scars will want to know why and maybe look up self harm online and even educate themselves, but I guess that might be wishful thinking and they will think I’m disturbed.
I remember when my aunt, who works as a receptionist at the child and family clinic, said to me “have you ever heard of something called cutting?” I looked at her confused and said of course I have. I was in shock that she had never heard of self harm or even knew that some people hurt themselves when depressed. She then asked if I I’d ever done and oddly I said in a cheerful voice yeah, as if I was stating the obvious. She was in shock when she saw my arms and I felt like saying “it’s not a big deal” because to me, it doesn’t feel like a big deal. I could be hurting my internal with drugs and alcohol instead. But it seems more acceptable to do that. When I see someone who has SH scars, I smile sadly. I’m not happy that they’re self harming but that they are not ashamed of their pain and that they are still here is enough. It makes me feel less alone. I want to say to them, “we can do this together”. And we can.