Archive for the ‘Positivity’ Category

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Afraid to be me.

November 4, 2011

You’d think in the world of anonymous blogging it wouldn’t matter what you would write because only a few people really know who you are. Yet I still panic about what I write. In a world of mentalist writing surely you wouldn’t fear as much judgement because hey, everyone is in basically the same boat. But the thing I struggle with most is writing about my girly side with fear of being called stupid. It’s hard to feel beautiful nowadays with the ideal of also being smart. If a girl is beautiful or likes things like painting her nails or shoes she is generally stereotyped as being brainless and fake. When a girl says she loves shoes you probably picture a skinny, blonde girl with a chihuahua in a bag and this needs to stop. I end up judging myself. I feel nervous If I look too nice in case people think I’m stupid or a slut. If you don’t wear enough clothes, you’re a whore. If you cover everything up, you’re unattractive and won’t put out. Woman can’t do anything these days without being degraded. Smart woman are a threat and no way attractive because they could become more powerful than a man and they don’t want that. It’s so hard because it’s not just men doing the judging, it’s women too. For example, I was watching My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding and the girls don’t wear much when they go out and my mother looked at them disgusted and said they were sluts. These girls get married young and only sleep with one man their whole lives yet just by what they are wearing we feel the right to call them sluts, which I thought meant sleeping around with loads of men with no intention to commit (I’m not saying that anyone who does that is a slut but that is what the definition of that term is). Or am I missing something?

I am intelligent. Really. I got an A*, 2 A’s and 7 B’s at GCSE level and only left school due to mental health problems. I love learning, I love reading books and I am facsinated by people.

I feel like I need to go to some kind of rehab group and tell my deep dark secrets.

My name is Savannah, I’m smart and I like watching Toddlers and Tiaras.

Now smart girls shouldn’t watch “mindless girly drivel”, how dare they try and confuse us. Maybe they’re lying to us and trying to pretend they’re smart. I mean anyone who enjoys watching little girls turned into little whores would be stupid. This is the kind of judgment I fear. I see a lot of hatred towards some of the TV programmes I watch and people say how stupid the person is who watches it. Surely people can just judge the programme without demonising their viewers too.

I’m going to give you a few examples of programme I watch and why I enjoy them.

Toddlers and Tiaras- As a little girl I would have given the world to have felt beautiful when I was being slapped and told how undesirable I was. To see little girls feeling beautiful makes me happy for them. Yes, I know this is extreme and the wrong way to do it but for the girls who enjoy it, I think they should be allowed to do so. I disagree with the forcing of children into it which you do see as well. But it’s just the fact that in a way they are living my dream as a little girl (psychologically). I have many arguments against pageants, as anyone does but then when I’m watching it I’m in a very child-like mindset, enjoying the sparkles and the pretty things.

Don’t tell the Bride- I love this show mainly because woman always have this huge idea of their ideal wedding and think they are the only ones who do it perfect and in the end, the husband (usually) gets it right and it makes them realise that as long as they are getting married, it doesn’t matter if the dress is big or the flowers are sparkling, marrying the person they love is what makes the day perfect. Plus it can be funny seeing how useless men are at clothes shopping ūüėČ

The X factor- Like toddlers and tiaras, it’s like watching other people live your dreams. I would love to sing for a living. Yes, some of them are really awful but once it gets near the end and you’re left with the people who really want it, then it becomes more watchable. Everyone has dreams and I get very emotional when someone gets through and their whole life is suddenly turned upside down for the better. It can be very harsh to people but I just try and focus on trying to make my favorite act’s dream come true.

My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding- I loved this show. There aren’t many traditional people nowadays and I think tradition can be a good thing. It’s what generally holds a community together. A lot of people disliked the fact that the girls were married so young and weren’t allowed to do much with their lives, yet there was a girl who got herself a job willingly and the others could if they wanted but they choose it themselves. If they didn’t want to marry young, I’m sure they wouldn’t so why say they shouldn’t be pushed into it? You see the girls so excited about getting married and having their dress made and starting a life with their husband. If they were sitting there crying saying they didn’t want to get married then you can complain but i don’t think it’s right to try and make people choose what you think is right against what they want. I loved the show and their amazing over extravagant¬† dresses and I hope they will be happy. People focus so much on what would make them happy they forget that everyone is different. I loved learning about a new culture and seeing how different they are.

Now I’ll give you an overall reason why I watch what I would call “trash TV” due to it’s views by smart people. I am facinated by human beings. I like TV about real people, in real life situations, especially the out of the ordinary. I watch these programmes because I find it fascinating how different people can be from different cultures and backgrounds. I watch stupid TV for smart reasons. I’m sure psychologists all love some reality programmes because they get to see how people behave in given situations. Humanity is amazing and usually the shows about people on TV are those who have very extreme lives in comparison to our norms and that’s what makes it so gripping. We are naturally drawn to things we don’t quite get or haven’t seen before and it does scare us but then we want to know more. About a month ago, I watched a programme called “LadyBoys” and I know a good few people who would think I was disgusting for watching it but then It shows how closed minded that person probably is. It wasn’t anything sexual or pornographic, it was simply about men from different cultures who felt they were in the wrong bodies and had sex changes. I think it’s wonderful to see people becoming who they are with no shame and no fear. It’s liberating yet so difficult. I watched that TV show because I wanted to understand how they felt so that I has a better understanding of transexuals because Ignorance is never useful. I may not know any transexuals but If I met someone who was transexual seeing a programme like that would make me less likely to be confused and scared at how to react towards them. Knowledge is power but knowledge can also be acceptance.

One last thing is accepting yourself. The fact that I feel ashamed to watch these programmes shows that I potentially feel the same way as those who judge the viewers of the above. Or I just know how others may feel if they knew so I feel like I’m not allowed to be anything other than what they want. Whatever it is I am trying to be less judgemental.

I am a female, I like videos games, reading books and blogging. But I also like painting my nails, watching wedding programmes and love things that sparkle. I don’t like politics and I’m not into Science. And I am still smart.

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Self pity.

August 28, 2011

I’m not usually this bad. I simply have to turn the TV on now and I started crying. I watched the simpsons and Homer told Lisa he loved her and I started crying so I turned over to supernanny and the mother was playing happily with her children and I started crying so I turned over to X factor (as a last resort) and the singer was getting praise from the judges and his family and himself were so happy with his achievement so I just turned the bloody thing off. Everything was reducing me to tears. Everything is such a mess. Yes I may be getting away from it all but I’m leaving behind a hospitalised father and a mother who I suspect has autism. She doesn’t recognise that I have ever done anything to make her life any better, although I have been dad’s carer all my life and slept in the same bed with her for 5 years of my late childhood because she said if I didn’t dad would rape her. I’m leaving and all she can do is tell me how useless I am. I’m trying to think of moving forward and starting the new but seeing what a mess my parents are in tears me apart. I don’t feel guilt, I just feel shame and pity. Most teens moving out of home have parental support, while I’m still crying over the fact that my dad can’t even see me off into a new life because he’s in the psych ward. What a way to leave. I’ve always hated the expression “why me?” because the people who use it are often getting upset over a tiny matter in their otherwise okay life but I’m going to say it…Why me? I’m a good person. I don’t know what I did to make all of this happen.

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My real first CBT.

September 25, 2010

Well it definitely¬†wasn’t what I expected. From bad experiences with impatient and intimidating therapists I expected to be avoidant¬†and reserved but I explained to my therapist how I felt and she was the one said that she understood why I would be avoidant¬†and that I don’t have to suddenly get everything right I have to take things slow. I don’t know the meaning of patience, if something takes a long time and has no instant result I’m not keen but I thought I’m here and I can’t give up without trying. My therapist is so lovely, everything I say she seems to understand and if I worry about something then she will write a list of advantages and disadvantages of what I’m worrying about and calm my nerves. I thrive from structure¬† because I’m used to chaos and things being unpredictable which has always been frightening, so the structure feels safe. Anyway, digressing as usual, she asked about any issues I’d had that week and of course I mentioned my breakdown at my simple issues of my boyfriend leaving to go home, sometimes I have abandonment “freak outs” other times I’m fine, I’m not sure what changes it but this week was a bad one.

Dr L drew out the CBT diagram which had thoughts, behaviours, physical sensations and actions. She asked me what each one involved and how each thing affected both me and him. She wrote everything down and made me feel safe with structure. I didn’t cry once which was a good as every therapy session I can remember¬†I’ve cried.¬†Everything I said was¬†broken down into reasons¬†why I would think that and thinking about whether each thought was rational and whether it would only apply as truth during a certain mood. Which of course was true, I would only believe¬†that my boyfriend didn’t care about me if he was leaving or if i¬†was feeling depressed, otherwise I didn’t believe it at all.¬†¬†Of course I came to the conclusion that all of my feelings and actions mean I’m a bad, controlling manipulative person and that was when I welled up but I held it back, It’s too exhausting to cry. I think I was pleased what the results because I didn’t feel pressured into perfection immediately and things were at a slow and¬†accommodating pace. With therapy at CAHMs I didn’t really understand what I was supposed to be doing and my therapist sat 10ft away from me and listened to me cry over nothing and seemed to give no support.

My next session is wednesday, she said we’d continue with this ongoing issue of abandonment and insecurity and start to address some of my social anxiety, I’m not worried about it, more not looking forward to the emotional exhaustion letting all these things out can cause.

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Even with a mental illness we can stigmatise.

September 2, 2010

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NGN1s2FyGA8&feature=player_embedded

Watch this video. I felt hideously guilty for thinking to see something scary and violent and I admit I did. I¬†guess it’s because¬†I have seen frightening violence from a mentally ill father as a child but no I don’t think that’s a good enough excuse. *Walks away in shame*

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Madup!

August 21, 2010

 

Have you ever walked up to a group of people been asked if you’re mental and when you reply yes, they cheer? No? Well you’ve never been to a madup xD i started writing this blog after i found Seaneen Molloys blog secret life of a manic depressive and then from there everything kind of took off, new people to talk to, a fan page and now the madup ūüôā it was kind of surreal and I never knew I could feel comfortable around a group of 20 people i’d never met…I think it was because although we’d never met, we knew enough about eachother that we didn’t need long intros on what we do or where we were from. It just felt like a group of friends spending a day together. We also knew that these strangers would be the last people to judge us or ask about scars with a terrified look.
With some people for me it felt like meeting someone from tv, you read all about them on their blog and admire them, they have hundreds of people who read the blogs are are helped by them and I get a chance to meet them. I know it sounds weird but I felt really privileged to meet some these people, I guess i felt better about myself as a blogger because I got to spend time with bloggers who are well known in the madosphere. You should all be very jealous ūüėČ
Thanks especially to Karen: for inviting me!
Kayla and Jenny for travelling with me ūüôā
And of course Seaneen for setting up the madup and for writing her blog which inspired mine!

– Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
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The Good.

July 22, 2010
 I am caring.
I am intelligent.
I am beautiful.
I am accepting.
I always try to be open and honest.
I am a good listener.
I am selfless.
I accept people for who they are no matter what religion, race, gender, sexual orientation or disability.
I am strong.
I love with all my heart.
I am a good singer.
I am a good artist.
I am a good writer.
I am a good person.

Write your own and see the good in yourself ‚̧