I put a question mark as it wasn’t neccesarily said as “this is another diagnosis”. I was speaking to Dr L this morning about how I often have flashbacks of my dad’s first psychotic episode and who I often snap out of it in tears of in a more fragile state. On which she replied, sounds very much like post traumatic stress, I wasn’t suddenly shocked, I just wondered why it hadn’t been addressed sooner or even asked about due to them knowing that I had experienced some traumatic experiences as a young child. It seemed like it would be obvious, no? Things like this kind of click me back into reality, in a way I have been given a new diagnosis yet there are only 2 months left of my CBT treatment and it seems like we haven’t even scratched the surface yet. I think that moving away and starting afresh will suddenly make me better and in my mind I know that’s not entirely true but I just don’t want to let J down by being even more ill and accumilating even more diagnoses.
Although saying all of that I like to have diagnosis because it makes me actually feel less mental. It makes me feel like I’m not the only one who experiences certain feelings and people can’t just say it’s something that will pass. To feel that you’re the only one makes you feel so much more crazy. I just wonder why the hell it’s all decided to burst out now, why could I do things before and now I can’t? It makes no sense to me and can get so very frustrating. I was able to get through school with 2 years of continous bullying and I still finished those years yet if I get a group of kids walk past me and say something nasty I start shaking and want to hide away. Why am I suddenly so damn fragile? And will J and I being able to cope in the adult world when I am so fragile?