Archive for the ‘PTSD’ Category

h1

It’s not acceptable.

December 24, 2010

I know you probably still read this blog after blocking
communication with me, you got mad at me and blocked me online and
I felt so relieved. You had no right to get mad at me, you made me
uncomfortable, I am over 30 years younger than you and you would
say things that were damn right innapropriate, you would say you
loved me and that I was beautiful and it made me so anxious.
Basically, It’s really creepy for an older man to say these things
to someone who is 18. I know you make other people nervous too, you
need to set some boundaries, you shouls tell your wife you love her
but not young girls, especially not me and my best friend. You made
J nervous too, he didnt know you well and you were saying you loved
me. You actually argued with J and it basically ended up as an
argument over me! What is wrong with you? You don’t argue over
someones girlfriend! I’m too scared to make new friendships now
because I’m worried that they may try and be too close to me, that
they might become creepy and make me so uncomfortable. I hate
myself for letting it get that far but I’ve never learnt how to set
boundaries and the only way I knew was to keep ignoring you unto
you left me alone because you got mad. Maybe one day you’ll learn
some boundaries. I wish others would tell you though because
they’ve sure told me. I am terrified of you. Utterly terrified. My
social anxiety has amplified. You said that you had another friend
with BPD and that she didnt want to see you anymore. You blamed her
BPD but no it is you, you are clingy, I know you may still blame
the illness but as I said I know people who have told me you scare
them too. Dont send me another card or any texts. Delete my number.
Your card arrived and I started shaking, get away from me. Maybe
one day I can have friends again without having to worry they will
be inappropriately close to me.

h1

Diagnosis number 3? PTSD.

December 15, 2010

I put a question mark as it wasn’t neccesarily said as “this is another diagnosis”. I was speaking to Dr L this morning about how I often have flashbacks of my dad’s first psychotic episode and who I often snap out of it in tears of in a more fragile state. On which she replied, sounds very much like post traumatic stress, I wasn’t suddenly shocked, I just wondered why it hadn’t been addressed sooner or even asked about due to them knowing that I had experienced some traumatic experiences as a young child. It seemed like it would be obvious, no? Things like this kind of click me back into reality, in a way I have been given a new diagnosis yet there are only 2 months left of my CBT treatment and it seems like we haven’t even scratched the surface yet. I think that moving away and starting afresh will suddenly make me better and in my mind I know that’s not entirely true but I just don’t want to let J down by being even more ill and accumilating even more diagnoses.

Although saying all of that I like to have diagnosis because it makes me actually feel less mental. It makes me feel like I’m not the only one who experiences certain feelings and people can’t just say it’s something that will pass. To feel that you’re the only one makes you feel so much more crazy. I just wonder why the hell it’s all decided to burst out now, why could I do things before and now I can’t? It makes no sense to me and can get so very frustrating. I was able to get through school with 2 years of continous bullying and I still finished those years yet if I get a group of kids walk past me and say something nasty I start shaking and want to hide away. Why am I suddenly so damn fragile? And will J and I being able to cope in the adult world when I am so fragile?