Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category

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I make him ill.

November 11, 2011

I know I do. I cause a lot of stress and when I cause myself so much stress it’s bound to cause him stress too. I make things harder than they should be and I definately make life more difficult for both of us. Women generally have a more stern approach to life anyay, whereas men are generally more laidback and that’s why women are known for nagging. It’s a tool to get men to do what they’re supposed to when they’re supposed to. And that pisses him off to no ends and causes a lot of tension. I just feel like I’m one big nuisance when a lot of the time I may just be trying to help. I try and get him to not stay up too late when he has to get up early but I’m just being a nag and trying to ruin his fun. I say not to be on the computer when he has a headache because it’ll make it worse but then to him I’m just trying to find any way to be with him and getting jealous of him being with his friends on the computer. I’m just a bad person, all I do is hurt him when I’m trying to do good. I make him feel the need to get counsilling because I make everything harder. It’s hard to like yourself when all you seem to do is make life harder for yourself and others. He agrees that life is more difficult with me than it would be with someone who didn’t have an illness but then anyone could agree with that. But then he says if I weren’t worth all the stress than why would he still be here? It’s a wonderful thing to hear but at the same time my head says well there aren’t really any reasons to stay with me, I wouldn’t stay with me. He says I’m worth it but I don’t understand how when I just cause stress and illness. We both always feel unwell, he’s even been told he has problems with anxiety now and I know it’s because of me. So now we’re both ill, both constantly stressed, anxious and depressed. Sometimes I think it would be best if I just left. He would so much happier without me. Whenever I’ve gone for the night, he will stay up all night until the early hours playing games with his friends and have a really good time BECAUSE I’m gone and I can’t tell him to go to bed. He will have a nice time because I’m not there to tell him what to do. But then when I come home and find out I just ruin everything again by telling him, it’s not good for him to stay up all night. Then he hates me. I know if i weren’t here he would game all day and all night, do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted and be a happy bachelor. He’s always dreamed of having a bachelor pad anyway.

It may seem starnge but on the game Sims people generally create the life that would like to have. I have always created myself with a partener to start off with, I’ve never started off alone and I become a writer, my husband works and I pop out kids and that’s my life. J always starts off alone and usually stays that way, he works, plays games and plays music and if he runs out of life wishes to fulfill he might get married to someone on the way. It says a lot and actually worries me because I know his dream life would have been to be alone and have a computing/music career and I just happened to walk into his life for him to fall in love with me and ultimately fuck up his whole life plan. It’s not his fault he fell in love with me but maybe if he hadn’t have he would be happier now and less unwell. I never ever want to leave him and sometimes I feel selfish for feeling that way.

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Uncomfortably pretty.

July 2, 2011

As a child, I was never really that pretty, I was made fun of for being quite unattractive actually. I know that I have gotten prettier as I’ve gotten older but there are just times where feeling attractive makes me uncomfortable. I started growing my hair longer recently and I looked more feminine and pretty and it just didn’t feel right. Feeling attractive made me almost angry, I wasn’t me anymore. So I chopped off my hair and feel more like me. But now I feel less feminine and consequently less attractive. It reminds me of the video “fucking perfect” by Pink, where the girl is constantly trying to be what is widely thought as pretty but in the end realizes she has her own way of being pretty, her own identity. I just wish I could achieve this but having identity confusion means I’m changing styles all the time. One minute, I like one thing and the next I like the complete opposite. I can’t just feel like, well…me. Some things look so great on someone and it seems like If I try that look I just look stupid. Because I spend about 99% of my time with my husband I’ve become more of a tomboy than a girly girl yet I still feel I need to look feminine to be pretty. But to be feminine I can’t have my figure. I feel to be feminine I need to have a fragile, dainty body and walk with elegance. I’m short and stumpy with tiny hands and feet. I might as well be a hobbit. I just want to feel comfortable within my skin. I CAN look in the mirror and think I look nice but it doesn’t mean I feel comfortable because I’m not sure who is in the mirror. But maybe that’s a good thing?

It’s so hard to embrace a new face and body when you’re still stuck in the ugly duckling mind. If I walk out of the door thinking I look nice, I feel confident. But then if i see a girl who looks pretty, I feel ugly and embarrassed and want to change my clothes and cut my hair. I recognize my large nose and big front teeth and it’s like a transform into an ogre. I feel like I’m not allowed to look nice. Sometimes I don’t feel the need, I guess. My husband would call me beautiful whether I was wearing a glitzy dress or a huge shirt. Sometimes I dress up and when I look in the mirror, I see a frightened little girl, playing dress up and not getting anywhere near beautiful.

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Competing.

June 25, 2011

So here I am, decided against self harm so I’m not a dissapointment and decide to go on a late night stroll. There’s not many people out and It’s deathly quiet so I thought I’d do some writing.

I thought I would write about the 3 people who (are supposed) to love me most. My parents and my husband. All 3 of them have something in common, something that drains the life out of me on a daily basis and makes the hole inside of me bigger.

Obsessions.

Now, from a young age I have had to compete against my parents obsessions, Merrill Osmond of the Osmond Brothers and Football. I always knew my mum loved Merrill more than me and my dad would never stop talking about football. The only way to ever be with them was to go to an Osmond concert or go to the football. Otherwise I was alone. I felt neglected for these obsessions, passions, whatever you want to call them and It meant I was always fighting for their love and attention although I never believed they would love me more than those things. I was fighting a losing battle so at one point I guess I just gave up fighting for their love and accepted that I wouldn’t get it and I didn’t want to keep havig to do what they wanted to be with them, I wanted to be their choice not their option. My dad has started to be with me more, my mum has never changed.

My husband spends more time gaming than he spends being with me. It feels like exactly the same thing I’ve got through, I feel neglected, unloved and at some points I just leave because I would rather sit in a dark street than sit in a room with my husband feeling more lonely than ever. You can feel lonely if you are alone but the worst lonliness is when you’re with other people and they choose
Not to be with you. At that point, I just wish I didn’t exist, to see if that would make them come away from their obsession and see that I’m alive too.

I’ve screamed, I’ve cried, I’ve cut. In the end they use their passions to further ignore. All of these people have been damaged in their childhood and need something to fill a hole, yet I don’t seem to fit the bill and that makes my hole even bigger.

I try and justify it by thinking maybe it’s just me, maybe I make it all up. Maybe I just want attention too much. Maybe they get so damn sick of me that It’s my fault they would rather be elsewhere and with other people. Maybe if I were better they might love me enough to fill that gap. And that I come back to reality and go and cut myself again.

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Parents, growing up and suicide.

May 2, 2011

Well, wouldn’t you expect a happy blogger after getting hitched? Tis not so. Everything has gone excessively worse in my life since. Not my fault of my marriage but everything else (Okay I admit being married is called borderline anxiety problems but leave this for now). While my anxiety has increased massively since getting married and being diagnosed OCD, I knew something else had to go crazy in my life because my life can’t just have one huge problem at a time. Since I’ve gotten married my dad has finally said that he wants to divorce mum, this is a God send because their marriage is part of the reason that I am, well, writing this now. It just seems so many years too late for it to actually benefit me but at least for it to happen now means that my dad may be able to benefit, as for my mum she is socially inept, can’t make friends, is easily bullied, has a low paying job and has narcissistic tendencies and I believe BPD. I can’t imagine her ever being happy with any situation. Even though I am trying to fuel this divorce, along with my dad’s sister, every now and then I break down and cry. I know I’ve never really had a family as such but the fact that they were physically in the same home meant I could pretend.

I went to the in laws yesterday and it was my father in laws birthday, the family gathered round the table and a cake was brought out as the family sang and my heart broke into a million pieces. Even though my husband’s family are also quite dysfunctional, they love each other and do nice things for each other. I’ve never EVER witnessed either of my parents do something nice for the other and it hurt so much to see that even the most dysfunctional family can still be a family. It hurt that I don’t have a family. I have a mother and I have a father but no family. And now I’m married, I have even less of a family because the part of my parents that made me feel like I had parents was the occasional care of which now they feel they don’t need to give because I’m my husband’s responsibility now. I had this particular conversation with my mother yesterday.

I came home from the in laws for my mother to casually say “your dad went to hospital”, I questioned why she didn’t call to tell me of which she just shrugged her shoulders (her usual response to anything to do with dad) , this then brought up a conversation about how I’ve always loved dad more and how she needs to see the one she loves again (her celebrity obsession who has stepped over the boundaries by being her “friend”). She said she didn’t want to tell me that she was going away because I would “go off on one” I didn’t I said to her, “He (the obsession) cannot solve your problems.” To which she cried to my husband “see I told you, there she goes”. I tried my up most not to judge her and to just tell her that this celebrity can’t make her huge life problems better. She sees me as attacking her no matter what I say, I told her that she needs to sort out this home situation too and that she should of left years ago. She, of course, attacked me again, “you said you wanted to live with dad and he would’ve of raped you!”, she’s playing the hero, living with him to protect me. My dad has never touched me in any way that has ever been inappropriate. If anything she’s been the one who’s been over sexual with me throughout my childhood. She starts to tell me that she is trying to sort out the situation at home, so I asked her what she’s trying to sort out. She wouldn’t tell me, she said now I’m married and moving why do I need to know what’s going on with my my home because I’ll be gone. I told her that just because I’m leaving doesn’t mean I’m just forgotten about but she was set in her view that if I’m gone then I no longer exist in her life and it’s not important what goes on in my family because she doesn’t seem to understand that anything would emotionally effect me. She has a very one person view, she can only understand the way that things affect her. I thought maybe she was going to try and sort out a divorce as well so I tried to get her to tell me what was going on because how ridiculous would it be for both parties to be filing for divorce and the other not knowing. You can see how much communication there really is. She ended up saying how she doesn’t want to say anything because it’ll cause problems, J kept telling her she had to tell us. So she starts crying and says she’s talking to someone at the crisis team. After all she’s put me through I can be horribly unsympathetic to her so I stopped myself blurting out, “IS THAT IT?” To me calling the crisis team is not a big thing at all, I just know that they’re shit. So, she’s trying to get herself emotional support…but I still don’t see how that solves the home problem. She wants to continue living at home but have emotional support? She spent ages saying how nobody ever helped her when dad was first ill but every time we asked if she asked for help she said no but she expected it to just happen. So she feels let down by mental health services and she’s angry at them yet how do you receive if you don’t ask? She complains that dad got help and I got help but she didn’t. One, dad had a psychotic episode, of course someone is going to look after him in hospital. Two, I was a child, when you’re a child, you aren’t expected to ask for help when you go through a traumatic experience. I feel like she blames me but I did all I could throughout my life to help her and yes I did give up because of her constant “nobody cares about me, what about me, nobody ever looks after me”. J kept being sympathetic to her and I couldn’t stand it, she would cry and he hugged her and I just got so mad. If he hugs her and comforts her, she will attach to him and because I refused to hug her, she will have more reason to attack me. There were times that I cried and cried and she shrugged her shoulders at my feelings and said “what about me” and I can no longer let her in emotionally because I only get hurt. I only get left behind. So J’s compassion will be her reasoning for me not caring. He also kept telling her I do care and I do want to listen and I do want to help. I don’t. She is a grown woman, I want her to grow the hell up and start taking responsibility for her actions. She has created this life and she takes no responsibility at all for any of the wrong that happened, It’s all everyone else fault. She only thinks I’m ill because of “your crazy dad”, she doesn’t understand situational depression or that anything she has ever done being a cause for my trauma and pain. And until she accepts responsibility for her own actions I can’t help her. She says she wants to die, yeah well you know what, join the queue.

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Being a little girl again.

February 24, 2011

I wasn’t sure what to write but I felt like I should as I haven’t in a little while. I don’t want to keep talking about J so much because I don’t want people to get sick of hearing about him and how sickeningly in love I am with the fool but bear with me today please 😉

As it’s half term we’ve been spending a lot of time together, I stayed over his for a couple of nights and during that stay I got tonsillitis. Now, If I were home I would have carried on with my day and just moped a little maybe told my parents I wasn’t feeling well so they might notice my existance. But what I notice when I’m with J is that suddenly my illness because a HUGE thing, I cry, I demand attention and I want to be looked after 24/7. It’s like I turn into a little girl, who when she is ill, wants her caregiver and so will cling and cry and take all she can in love and care. It feels really good.

I was able to feel how I wanted to feel, I was allowed to be ill without it being inconvinient for everyone else. As a positive, I was finally able to receive the attention and care that I deserved that I knew I wouldn’t have gotten elsewhere.

As a negative, I subconsciously recognise that being ill means I get love and care resulting in my enjoyment of illness. I like causing a fuss when I’m ill, I want to be noticed, I want some bloody sympathy. I never ever got any sympathy for being ill as a child from my parents so now I crave it. Sometimes I do things without realising, If I accidentally hit my arm, I’ll shout “OUCH!” and get teary and J will comfort me and hold me and then I suddenly realise, that didn’t even hurt, what’s going on? It’s like this inner child is trying to get her well deserved care.

I feel pathetic when I act like my pain or illness is bigger than it is, but when he’s there, it’s like it becomes more because someone will actually care now. My illness matters.

We’re both lacking a lot and as a result we are each others parents. It feels natural for us to ask each others advice on everything and ask each others permission on everything. I need to know that what I am doing is accepted as okay so I can feel good and confident about myself.

Sometimes we even talk to each other in the kind of voice you use with a baby or small child, it’s like some kind of child comfort, we nurtures each others inner children. Hopefully the positives of that can outweigh the negatives.

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Doomed before the beginning.

February 5, 2011

Do you ever feel like your background dooms you to a life of misery and failure?

In my family only one person (not including me) is in a happy relationship, however this is her second marriage. Not one person is my family has gotten it right first time and except this one person the rest are single and my parents are unhappily married. I feel like my relationship is doomed before we’re even married. With such an unhappy family and with the issues running throughout, I feel like my happiness is only an illusion to keep me going and that something has got to kill us before we get too happy. The fact that the majority of my family are over 50 and single and never had any parteners in the last 18 years makes me wonder what the future holds for me. I often wonder if I mistake my severe neediness for love which results in panic attacks due to the thought of not actually being able to love how normal people do. I then feel severe guilt for stringing J along because I don’t really know how to love. These awful thoughts and panic attacks really mess with our relationship and with my head. I love J. But my head doesn’t want me to, my head wants me to be alone so I don’t have to ever have conflict or become an independent adult in the outside world. My head wants me to hide away and be alone. My heart wants to marry J and start a new life and leave the past behind.

The problem is following my heart over my head. Because every now and then my head wants me dead.

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Becoming an adult and Runaway Brides.

January 12, 2011

My session with Dr L today was nothing more than enlightening. Very hard but enlightening. I’ve uncovered why I’ve been having panic attacks over the wedding and it’s not just the usual nerves. It’s been something I’ve battled for about two years, the fear that if I grow up my parents would have never looked after me. That I will never have to opportunity to really be a child. I remember on my 18th Birthday crying my eyes out and not really knowing why, I knew I didn’t want to be an adult but I hadn’t really uncovered why. I think I first started realising when my mum started saying to me “You’re 18 now, do it yourself.” I was no longer allowed to ask for any help or any advice because now I was an adult, I would have to do absolutely everything alone. Or that’s how it felt. My parents have never done that much for me but losing the bare minimum is still heartbreaking. The older I get the less they want to even be a part of my life. That’s why I am getting so depressed over getting married because it’s like losing my parents, they won’t even really be parents anymore. The little they do now that gives them the right to call themselves my parents will surely be gone when I leave home and get married. The idea of losing the smallest hope that my parents will ever care sends me into a frenzy of panic which triggers my emotional fight against marriage.

I know that I want to marry J, It’s what I want. I have to keep remembering it is not the marriage that is making me depressed and frightened, it is what I am conquering within myself. If becoming a wife sends me over the edge then so be it, but I will go over the edge with my husband by my side, every step of the way. For a while I will cry, almost like mourning, for what I will never have. But I know that somehow will come acceptance and realisation that I have something more, something better that I can build my future upon. My parents may not be by my side, but J will be, loving me and caring for me more than they have been able to show. My parents will still exist of course but without them physically being there it will be like I don’t have parents, there won’t be any role that they fulfill anymore, they’ll be rid of me and live their own lives as they always have, just this time I won’t be there to feel neglected and unloved. I’ll still see them sometimes I guess, it will be uneventful and with the instability and ridiculous comunication methods It probably won’t be often.

This fear of leaving my childhood behind without being able to have it fixed now by my parents is something that will hurt for a long, long time. But I know that acceptance can somehow make it less painful. To step into adulthood and say my childhood is gone and I can’t get it back feels like it’s going to be the biggest challenge in the world. I’ve tried to hold off moving into proper adulthood for a while now and I am going to walk down that aisle straight into it, even if I have to be dragged kicking and screaming.

I can understand why some brides do run, It’s bloody scary. I see this big door infront of me and I’m being pushed towards it straight into commitment and I’m pushing as hard as I can backwards so I don’t have to become an adult and have responsibility. I’m shouting “but I’m only 5, I can’t get married!” it’s like an image of what happened when I was a child, I was forced into adulthood when I was only a child yet this time I am an adult and I am choosing for myself to make this commitment. Yet sometimes I still feel like a child being put under more stress than I should. Reverting to a childlike state is one of my defence mechanisms, it makes me feel more protected. God knows why, it was when I felt least safe but It’s just how I work. I want to get married, I just need to learn to let go. I can’t be a child again, she’s gone and I have to become a woman now.