Archive for the ‘Religion’ Category

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The drinking culture.

October 17, 2011

There are two kinds of people who don’t drink. The extreme religious types and recovering alcoholics. I am neither and I don’t drink, yes I used to be very religious and learned my morals from a church but now I am no longer part of a religion I have chosen to keep the values which I feel will benefit my life. I don’t know if I will ever understand the concept of getting drunk for fun. I am not slating any of you who drink as I respect your right do to so, so please don’t attack me unnecessarily. I just don’t get it? I understand how someone would drink to numb the pain or self abuse but for fun? I am someone who constantly feels out of control and the last thing I would want is to really be out of control. As a young adult it does make me feel a bit of an outcast that I don’t want to drink alcohol and get drunk but then I’ve tried it once or twice and just felt like a fraud. It just wasn’t me, it wasn’t what I wanted to do. So now I’m weird because I don’t do it. I just don’t see how making an idiot out of yourself and then throwing up continuously can be seen as exciting? It sounds frightening to me. I don’t want to lose self respect or wonder who I may have slept with. I’ve had so many people really attack me for saying I don’t want to drink, it’s like instead of people hearing “I don’t like drinking alcohol” they hear “I hate black people”. I wrote this post because I was discussing Uni with a friend and he said “I’ve heard the first year of Uni is great because you get to get pissed all the time!” Great…I thought, isn’t University about studying for your future? All I hear outside my window every night are drunk people screaming or shouting at or attacking each other and it makes me scared. I remember a “friend” who said I was very high and mighty because I don’t like getting drunk and I just felt like I was talking to a brick wall. Everything I said was wrong and to him I hated everyone who drank alcohol but that’s not true. I dislike the alcohol. I have people in my family who NEED to drink to be sociable or loosen up and it makes me sad that they can’t achieve these things without being a little intoxicated. It’s a problem that nobody sees as a problem. We should be able to have fun without alcohol shouldn’t we? I can’t even count how many time I’ve heard “How can you have fun without drinking?!” And I just think well, I just don’t drink and enjoy other people’s company or whatever I’m doing. Isn’t it that simple? I’m not saying don’t have a drink to have fun I’m just saying people shouldn’t think it’s impossible to enjoy life without a few drinks. I’ve known alcoholics and how destroyed their lives can become and how it effects the people around them. Yet we freely allow ourselves to say “I need a few drinks to get loosened up.” There shouldn’t be a need…right? Or am I just horribly ignorant…Why am I so horribly different? And why do I have to feel so outcast because I want to have control and don’t enjoy the taste of alcohol. I don’t understand. All addictions are harmful and I just wish people were more careful. There are so many people who when they are upset, get a drink. That’s one of the bad habits that can turn anyone into an alcoholic. And nobody deserves to have to suffer with addiction. That’s why I don’t drink. If only I didn’t feel the need to have an excuse to not drink.

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Marriage and Mother-in-Laws.

December 12, 2010

You will probably see a lost of panicky posts about marriage and moving out in the next few months. I woke up this morning, looked at J and my head started buzzing with thoughts as usual, getting married, how scary, it’s what I want but how freaking scary. My whole life, my WHOLE life. What a terrifying prospect but there has been so much I’ve wanted to do and haven’t done out of fear and I’m not going to let anxiety win again. If I did then it’d definately be something to regret for the rest of my life. Now for me, EVERYTHING I ever want to do seems to be some constant emotional battle. I recently signed up to a child psych home course and my mum just said, but you’ll never meet people then. No, “that’s really great I’m proud of you for trying something new”, just a responce to make me feel useless, as usual. And she wonders why I never tell her things. Now when I say to my parents I’m getting married their responce will be “okay, when?” It’ll be vey emotionless and uncaring but I’m used to that. Then J’s parents will be completely the opposite (it seems to be a bloody rule in my life that everything has the two extremes involved), they will be against it and concerned but will hopefully come round when they come to realise that it is his life and not theirs. His mum will be the worst, she will want to take over, control, I don’t want her anyone near planning my wedding. She will be upset it isn’t in the Mormon church but to be honest if I turned around and said that I wanted it in the Mormon church we couldn’t anyway as we are unclean and unworthy to do so. This would then cause heartbreak and ultimately an emotional breakdown from feeling useless, like dirt and made the apologise for being a follower of satan. No, thank you. I’m kind of glad that I am eligible to make mother in law jokes though. Mwahaha.

I wish I knew why I felt so hated by his parents. They don’t seem to like when I’m over there and I feel his mother is one of those people that dislikes anyone who may take her children away from her. Also the fact that my parents adore J, well my whole family love J, just makes me feel like there’s something horribly wrong with me. I even feel he’s liked more. Funny huh? It’s supposed to such a happy day but all I’m worried about is the fact that I don’t want to show emotion infront of family incase I seem weak and vulnerable. I’ve always had to hide my emotions and be the strong one and to let myself be myself on this day I don’t know what I’m going to have to do.

At least wedding planning keeps my mind occupied. Dreading when the course arrives. Blergh, I have no concentration, hoping I can just finish it all really quickly and then the 6 months won’t be needed, I love writing essays. Just hope they send all the material at once. I love learning, mmmm.

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Hate is a strong word? Then it’s perfect.

December 2, 2010

If I were still in the Mormon Church I would be classed as unworthy because of my feelings towards my family but that’s ignorance right there. How can you forgive something that is ongoing and never stops?

I think I’ve had just about enough, now don’t you dare think this is a teenage “my parent’s don’t understand me, I hate them!” balls because I scream. I have been neglected, abused, stepped all over, guilt tripped and emotionally blackmailed so many times and It has wittled me down to almost nothing. My CBT has opened up a lot for me, my excuses for letting my parents do these things to me and not stick up for myself were that I felt sorry for them and they’re both ill. But I can’t carry on giving in to my mum’s emotional guilt trips or my dad’s blackmailing, they may be ill but that doesn’t mean they have a right to use and abuse me. I am their daughter, I shouldn’t have to take my mum to hospital if she feels ill or put my dad’s socks on every morning, I am fnejfwuniu sick of it all. I want out. I want f***ing out, now.

Mum

I was born to love mum. She wanted a child because she wanted a living “thing” to love her unconditionally and make her feel good about herself and be hers forever. She would then get angry and abusive to this thing if it didn’t give her what she wanted in love and affection or if it had it own needs. How dare it have it own needs. How dare it cry, hit it that should (as she’d say) “shut it up”. She says she never loved dad and just wanted to be looked after all her life, this has been the case financially anyway. I’m sure that she did love him but when things got tough and he had a breakdown she claims she never loved him so she had no responsibility for caring for him. After dad’s breakdown it was all about her, she was the poor wife who’s husbanhad a breakdown. Little S was left to fend for herself. Mum would go away a lot to “get away” leaving little S feeling scared that dad would kill her in the night, he would become psychotic. Little S didn’t know what was going on or where mummy had gone or if she was going to come back. Then when mum came back little S was expected to be excited about her return and love her all the same, she would cry when mum went away and be hostile when she came back. Mum wouldn’t have any of it, she wasn’t doing anything wrong and should be love unconditionally no matter what she did/does.

As I grew up, she was possessive, didn’t like me liking other family members, I was her posession. I felt guilty seeing my my aunt who I love because I knew it would upset mum and make her feel unloved. I remember once to get back at her I made a photoboard and had pictures of me and all of my family members seperately except her, I was sick of how she treated me and I wanted her to know that. If I was upset I hid and cried alone, I would be told I was silly for crying and my feelings invalidated. If she cried I had to comfort her and tell her I loved her, even If I didn’t feel it at the time. Once I just screamed “BITCH!!” and she ran into the kitchen crying and shouted “nothing loves me, I’m going to kill myself!!” It makes me so so angry just writing this, how dare she threaten suicide to a little girl. How dare she play the victim when I was the one hurting and why the hell should I have had to comfort her? But it’s what I did, I reassured her she was loved and then shut myself in my room. I konw what you may be thinking, it sounds like she has BPD right? Well that’s what I think and I said to Dr L that I feel hypocritical getting angry at her for BPD traits but she told me that I shouldn’t because at least I’m getting help and trying to change. Which is very true, I hate myself for my BPD traits and I actually feel guilt whereas my mother seems to feel no guilt and not care about anyone but herself. Now that I am ill, she is invalidating, doesn’t understand why I feel the way I do, she blames herself sometimes and I don’t correct her. As she is correct anyway. She says that she’s able to have a job, she’s able to live her life. This makes me feel worse but then I remember that she is miserable and she only has herself to blame for it, she hates her husband yet she still lives with him and his finance which is incapactiy benefit, while using her own wages for her leisure, why should contribute eh? She’s unhappy. It’s not like she could move out or anything is it, it’s not like she could start a fresh new life without him and maybe be happy. Heaven forbid.

Dad

Well dad has Bipolar, although doesn’t mean his behavious too can be excused. I know pleasantly nice people with Bipolar who love their kids more than anything. I know my dad loves me, he is just unable to show it. I have always been a daddys girl, not neccesarily because he was the most loving but he was the only one who took me out places and always wanted to do things with me. He would love to take me to the farm or to watch football with him and I never remember doing anything like that with mum or her even coming along. I’m never sure what behaviour and Bipolar and what behaviour was just him but everything I did was wrong, If I accidentally knocked something or fell I was a “stupid child” and hit until I screamed and ran away. If i was ever hyper I was told to shut up and stop showing off, I was always such a quiet child. I learnt that if I was quiet then it meant I couldn’t do or say anything wrong. I still managed to somehow though. Not to mention I had no clue until about 2 years ago when I asked dad what illness my dad said and he said “I think it’s Bipolar” and then I actually knew, before then I wasn’t even told what was wrong or what was going on. There is no communication and if you want to know something in the family, you’ll either find out by asking or by asking a million irrelevant questions until something happens to come out. He was hospitlised 3 times and to me it felt like a limetime and I would always cry in my room alone because I wanted my daddy back. I didn’t know what was going on and why everything was so chaotic, I only remember that mum never wanted to visit and always complained when we did go. I’ll never forgive her for being so uncaring. But then it seems as I’ve gotten older he’s realised that if his wife won’t look after him then his maturing daughter can take to the wife role, take him to appointments, do the shopping, put his socks on, make sure he take his meds and the like. Now this has all happened in the last 2 years and It’s the most degrading feeling to have someone tell you to put their socks on and then if you don’t they stress and scream and cry if you don’t. I HATE emotional blackmail and I hate that my mother sits back and allows this to happen, I say to her I don’t want to do it and she says I don’t have to but who else will make sure he doesn’t have another break down, she bloody sure won’t.

I really really am praying (figure of speech) that I can get out next year with J, he wants to go to Uni far from here so we can both just live and get away from this horrible pain, anxiety and stress. We both need to release form our restricting unhelpful parents. He wants to live with me near wherever needed and start a “real” life.

Sure, I’ll have to look after him but the difference is, he will look after me back.

Of course I have the panic of, what the hell will happen to my parents. My mum will surely hate me for leaving her and will do anything she can to be spiteful and childish. Dad will care that I’m going but he won’t show it, he will support my choice and be happy for me. Please let me get out, please, get me out. I can’t die here.

It’ll be sad to never have my parents involved in my life but in all honesty, they have earned no rights to be.

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World Mental Health Day

October 10, 2010

I thought I would share this, I found it on a friend’s blog and thought it was very good for educating people on this day in particluar about mental illness and what NOT to say to the person affected:

‘You can will yourself better.’
‘I think this is your way of punishing me.’
‘It’s your own fault.’
‘I just want to make you feel better.’
‘It’s all in your head.’
‘You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.’
‘Why are you doing this to yourself?’
‘You could feel better if you wanted to.’
‘Why are you making yourself miserable?’
‘You don’t need all those medications.’
‘Why do you hurt yourself?’
‘There’s no such thing as mental illness.’
‘You must not be living right.’
‘What do I have to do to make you feel better?’
‘You’re just being lazy.’
‘You don’t want to be happy.’
‘If you loved me, you wouldn’t act this way.’
‘You could change it if you really want to.’
‘If you won’t change for you, do it for…’
‘You are what you think you are.’
‘There’s nothing wrong with you.’
‘You do it to yourself.’
‘You must want to be unhappy.’
“You just want pity.’
What’s your problem?’
‘Happiness is a choice.’
‘You just want attention.’
‘You don’t ‘look’ depressed.’
‘Have you got PMS?’
‘You’d feel better if you would stop going to see all these shrinks and throw away those pills.’

Condescending or Patronizing

‘If you were right with God this wouldn’t be happening to you.’
‘Have you been praying?’
‘You would feel better if you went to church.’
‘That which does not kill us makes us stronger.’
‘Look at the sunny side of life and make the best of it.’
‘You’ll be a better person because of it.’
‘Your problem is…’
‘You’d feel better if you (insert unsolicited advice here)…’
‘Did you forget to take your meds?’
‘We all have battles.’
‘We have to get together some time soon.’ (If you don’t mean it)
‘Everyone feels sad sometimes.’
‘Nothing is wrong with you.’
‘Smile and the world smiles with you; cry, and you cry alone.’
‘You can do anything you want if you just set your mind to it.’
‘I know how you feel.’
‘Things could always get worse.’
‘It’s not really that bad.’
‘What do you have to feel down about?’
‘You need therapy.’
‘Who ever said life is fair?’
‘Are you trying to be a martyr?’
‘If you turn to Jesus he will make you feel better.’
‘You know there comes a time in your life, when you just have to sit down and decide what is important to you.’
‘You just need to take care of yourself.’
‘You’re wasting your life. You have so much potential.’
‘Your life can’t be THAT bad.’
‘You’d feel better if you lost some weight.’
‘My life isn’t perfect either.’
‘Get control over yourself.’
‘You just need a swift kick in the butt.’
‘You can’t let the past bother you. You have to let it go.’
‘You need to grow up.’
‘You’re only hurting yourself.’
‘We all have our crosses to bear.’
‘I thought you were stronger than that.’

A friend once said to me “It could be worse, you’ve never been raped or molested”, I haven’t but for all she knows I could have been and then how would I have felt hearing that? I’ve heard a lot of these especially the religious ones and I know personally how they have made me feel, people need to realise that it is not our fault. People with mental health difficulties already blame themselves enough for the way they feel, they need your love and support. Spread the word.

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Identity and Independent thinking.

September 26, 2010

My therapist said to me that we get our identity from our parents but although this may be true is it really always a good idea to mold ourselves on our parents or for our parents expect us to be what they want?

I know people who are being exactly what their parents want and who are having almost similar lives to how their parents did when they were their age. Is this a good thing? I don’t think so. It’s like they are reliving their parents former lives and if this continues down the line then where is the variety in lifestyle the different personalities and the change in family values. It seems dull to me. I think the most important family member is the one who chooses to say no to their parents beliefs and values and build their own. People like this experience more and can explore their own indentities further than someone who has chosen to stick to someone elses identity. You probably imagine someone becoming rebellious from a good valued family but I belive it’s healthy either way. To see outside of the family bubble. To create your own indentity sepearate to what you have grown up to become is a feel, the most important thing you can do in life. You can then achieve what you really want without it being what other people may expect from you. It requires a lot of strength too and I think a hell of a lot of open mindedness and creativity to be your own person. Obviously there is no harm is being your parents child and taking on parts of their values but when you take on everything blindly and without questioning just because they’re your parents then I don’t believe you are really fulfilling your own potential. My parents own views on life are so different that I had no choice but to create my own identity but without that secure similarity beteen that it did create identity disturbance so there is a need for some parental similarities in values to help your own identity. I do enjoy being able to make myself in anything I want though because of there being no similarity in views between my parents, I can be anything because I don’t really have set ideas on what I should be. It is bloody hard to know what to be when there is unlimited options but I think I will find it one day.

MY IDENTITY.

My Dad: open minded, sociable, he has no religion and isn’t interested in politics, he is extremely intelligent (a mathematician and scientist of sorts), he has problems with anger and likes going to the pub and watch football.

My Mum: Closed minded, she has a religion but doesn’t really understand it, she is anti social and attention seeking and doesn’t know what politics is, she has BPD traits and believes in honesty and believes that when people do bad things they are bad people. She has an unhealthy obsession with a celebrity and is easily bullied and called a stalker at times.

Me: I believe that there is a creator though of what form I feel isn’t important. I overanalyse anything in a philosophical context. I want to be a writer and I enjoy being a mental health advocate. I have BPD. I am very openminded and due to this feel I cannot be tied down by set beliefs anymore. I don’t drink alcohol because I dislike the taste and like to be in control of my actions. I can be a bit of a guy sometimes but I like to be look feminine at all times. I  like films that are gory and a little sadistic and mess with your head.

I reckon I am an independent thinker and quite proud of that but don’t worry by tomorrow my indentity will be different.

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My views on Suicide [Trigger Warning]

September 25, 2010

A friend of mine posted a post about her views on suicide recently, click the link in my blogroll of “confessions of a serial insomniac”, she is a great blogger and a good friend of mine and hope she doesn’t hate me for stealing her idea ;). I thought I would follow her example and write my views but first would like to say that if you are suicidal or have suicial thoughts please see a mental health proffesional or your gp or call the number that is used for emergency services in your country and seek the help you need.

I think that there is a lot of judgement around those who commit suicide due to the view that it is selfish. I think looking at euthanasia is a good way of evaluating how you feel about it, so many people feel that physical pain/injury is an acceptable excuse for life inactivity or limits and dismiss emotional distress is just a lazy man’s way of saying I can’t be bothered. Well they are wrong, emotional distress and mental health problems are just as if not more limiting. I’m not talking down to either type of problem I just hate that mental illness is generally overlooked. If someone was in constant physical pain with no end in sight and a poor standard of living would you believe that if they want to be euthanised and taken from their pain that it would be their right? Do we have a right to die? Before all of this mental pain I would have said that euthanasia is wrong and that it’s murder. Now I feel I can really understand why it may sometimes be selfish to force someone who is suffering immense pain to live. Is wanting to be in peace from a living hell as selfish as it seems? I believe that if someone has gone through every treatment, every therapy, every option and there seems no end then aren’t they being asked to suffer for the rest of their lives to satisfy others? I believe in the right to die.

Please don’t take this as me saying, if you’re in pain, kill yourself. That is NOT what I want, I want you to make it through with a hope that you will get better, what I want is the view of suicide being selfish to change. If someone gets that far and ends their life, I will mourn them, cry for them but be glad they are now out of pain. I will NOT call them selfish. You are not selfish to feel suicidal but I know when you do choose to live, there is a reason you chose that. Hold onto that reason.

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Guilt and Gossip.

August 9, 2010

Have you ever been made so guilty you had left something behind? I believe people who make you feel guilty to get what they want aren’t compassionate, aren’t caring but only selfish, they think about what they want you to do and if you choose something else then that’s not acceptable. And guilt tripping is the way that I have always experienced to try and get me to do what other people want…

Whenever I would return to this place after being away for a while I wouldnt be welcomed with open arms but cornered in an office with questions “where have you been?” “why haven’t you been?” “what illness?” “are you still in your relationship?” “what’s stopping you from telling me your deepest secrets?!” So I stopped going again. I tried going back a few times but the same thing would happen. I would actually be so nervous I would have to leave and only having my boyfriend there would keep me feeling safe.

I think another thing that shocked me was that even if I hadn’t been there the main culprit still seemed to know every detail of what was happening in my life and this means someone from facebook is telling him and it’s not my mum. I’m just astounded my life is such a big gossip interest. I saw someone the other day who said to me the usual “where have you been and why?” I just said I’ve been ill, hoping it’d stay at that and I could carry on with my evening and my anxiety would leave if they left but no, “what’s wrong then?” I hesistated and thought this isn’t any of his business really and I know if i told him the community would all suddenly be gossiping and my “illness” so I just shrugged and said just not feeling good.

There has been numerous times that something personal has happened and I’ve hardly breathed a word and suddenly I’d be bombarded with questions from gossip. A lot about my relationship which some questions have been horribly personal and when I haven’t given a good enough answer I have been pressed to “confess”. This is my relationship, what I do is my own business and nobody has a right, especially a grown man to ask about deep and personal things and press me further when I express feeling uncomfortable discussing it. If they don’t understand why I’m not coming back then they are blind to the distress I’ve been caused.

God knows I can’t live without my relationship, I tried because I was told by said person God said it isn’t right and I ended up in hospital so I believe it wasn’t God but him who was being ignorant and forceful. God wouldn’t tell me to throw away the person keeping me alive so I can be something I may not even want to be.

Again yesterday happened…this person said to my mum, I hear your daughter has her diagnosis. Get the hell away from my life and go and pray about your own “perfect” life. You don’t remember telling me this isn’t the life you wanted do you?

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