Archive for the ‘Self Harm’ Category

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Being something I’m not.

November 27, 2011

I have always been the weird kid. No matter how much I try not to be, I will always just be a fraud. Because that’s what I am, I’m the wannabe who will never look as good or be as confident as the other girls. Facebook and twitter let me create the perfect persona, a confident, pretty (photo edited) girl who has a loving husband and is going to be an amazing writer one day.

Truth is, I’m not anything I pretend to be. I am not confident, I am not pretty, my relationships is really really hard and I say I’m going to be a writer because it’s the only thing I haven’t screwed up yet. I get piercings, tattoos, dye my hair and for what? To just feel like I’m trying too hard. No matter what I do, no matter how I dress I just feel like I’m trying to copy other people. But then everyone gets their style from others so why can’t I pick the things I like and not feel like a complete fraud. I used to be the good mormon girl whose only hopes and dreams were to have a husband and be a housewife. But now I have dreams beyond that I’m not sure what to with myself. I dropped everything I believed in because it just didn’t feel right anymore and now I don’t know what I believe in. I just don’t know who I am. I used to have so many beliefs and ideas and now I feel completely lost. I am not my clothes, I am not my hair, but then I don’t know what else there is to me. I just feel like a nothing. I’m not even ill, I just can’t be bothered to face my family problems so I hide away and do whatever I want. I don’t deserve benefits and I don’t deserve to get “better” because the only thing I will ever be is pathetic and you can’t get better from something that you have always been

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Protected: I’m not ill.

October 20, 2011

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Protected: I want to…

September 1, 2011

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Do you remember why?

August 28, 2011

*SELF HARM TRIGGERS AND DISTURBING IMAGES*

I was just looking through some photos and found some very shocking ones of myself with cuts all up my arms. My cutting has reduced in the past year, although not stopped. But it wasn’t the cuts that’s shocked me the most, it was that I couldn’t even remember why I did them. Surely if it was so bad that I had to cut that much then I would remember why I did it? But no I don’t. It just says to me that the reasons that I cut aren’t as important as the cuts themselves. I make a big thing out of nothing as an excuse to hurt myself so people can see how much I’m hurting. I guess.

Last year I did this to myself. I just wish I knew a reason for each cut. Why?

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Dear me,

June 29, 2011

Dear Little Me,

Why did you have to be so awkward. There are reasons why they never liked you, why they used you. Even your parents couldn’t love you enough, especially her, she only loved you if she wanted something. And he was always selfish, you were always second. Why couldn’t you just be good enough. You were always overweight and disgusting, that’s why they laughed at you. That’s why they called you a freak. You were just weird, not good enough to be their friends. They were better than you. Sure, you were smart but who cared about that? You thought maybe being smart would get you somewhere even if you weren’t attractive but you were just too quiet to be noticed. Plus, your friends were smarter than you anyway, so you were never smart enough. I know you tried to look nice but you made a fool of yourself. They laughed and asked what was on your face or what had you done to your hair. You just could never get it right. Your clumsiness made you stupid, your clumsiness made them hit you. You stupid child. Nothing made sense in your world anymore, you could never figure out why you were hated. But did they need a reason, you were just destined to be locked away. You hid a lot, I know, it was safer to be alone. You cried and made sure no one heard and if there was a knock on your door, your face was immediately bright and cheerful, of course nothing was wrong. But maybe you deserved to cry? Not that it mattered. No one would come. No one would know what to do with you. Even if they did, they would get sick of you and leave at the first chance. Why did you keep going? I don’t know what possessed you. Did you believe that one day, you would be saved? What made you think they would suddenly change and take care of you. Are you delusional? I think so. Who in your life has never stabbed you through the heart? Everyone is destined to break you because you are breakable. And hell, do you deserve it.

Love Adult Me.

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The last week.

May 27, 2011


I have no energy to do anything. The smallest thing just seem likes the biggest chore and can even bring me to tears. I’m not sure what’s happening to me or what will happen to me. I have my last session with Dr L next week, I asked her if I could finish last Wednesday but she said my session is still there for me and she wouldn’t take my session away. So it looks like I’m going. I struggled to deal with my second last session, all I kept saying in my head was “please don’t leave me, please please don’t leave me.” I couldn’t bear it and I don’t know how I’m supposed to deal with next week, Dr L is leaving me, forever. I had to explain to her that if she gone then I have to forget she exists otherwise it hurts too much. She mentioned maybe seeing me again in a couple of month for a one off session and I threw it back in her face of course, I can’t go through losing her twice. I think the worst thing about next week will be when I walk out of those doors and I know I’m not allowed to hug her goodbye. When someone leaves, it feels like they die, I go into mourning. Whenever my mum would leave I pretended she didn’t exist because then she wasn’t abandoning me because she didn’t exist and this has become my defence mechanism since. Not a good one as it happens when people leave for short periods of time too, sometimes I forget they exist so if they haven’t spoken to me for a while then I can’t be hurt. Although this means that I’m not good at keeping in contact with friends because I’m too bust trying to defend myself and forcing myself to forget them while trying to remember them so I don’t genuinely lose them. Dr L understands that If we’re going to finish our sessions now, I can’t have one random session in a month and then leave it because it’d just be a mess, I’d turn up and probably just spend the whole time telling her how mad I am at her for leaving me and then forcing me to relive the abandonment again by having to see her one last time (again). I think it’s best to leave it next Wednesday. It’s best to just end it and I can mourne her for however long feels right and then forget she ever existed. I know she may worry that this ending may make me worse and to be honest It will probably leave me reluctant to have any other treatment as she said the only way I will get the treatment I need is to pay for it as no one is going to give me long term treatment on the NHS (pile ofs**t), It’s a disgrace really. This kind of “treatment” makes people with personality disorders WORSE not better because they get so far and oops NHS won’t give you anymore treatment and suddenly you’re abandoned in the middle of a potential break-through and you don’t know what to do about it because there isn’t really much you can do other than try and fix yourself. Or lock yourself away and cry? What do you do when someone tells you “you need long term treatment but no one can offer it and you sure as hell can’t afford it”, do you give up? Do you sell yourself to fund said treatment? What the hell do you do?

Just, please don’t leave me.

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Self Abuse?- J

February 15, 2011

No it’s not as bad as you think and I doubt this post will contain any particularly strong triggers but there’s always a possibility, so, be warned.

The problem is it IS relatively mild and I ENJOY doing it.

What? You may ask?

Staying up late.

Ha! Big whoop! You can stay up late! Get you!

Yes…. get me…

You could probably find me online, on my own, in the dark until around half 2 every morning. The exceptions being weekends where I’m generally with my dear fiancée and hence sleep like a baby.

The problem is, I just don’t like going to sleep at home, I never really feel like it (other than perhaps coming home early and attempting to catch up during the day) and all that happens when it gets late at night is – life gets easier. For me, at least. The reason being when it gets late, my family goes to sleep and when they go to sleep, they stop shouting. Usually.

My dear brother and father have a strong tendency to snore they stupid fat heads off resulting in a very difficult, stressful environment for sleeping. Even if I fall asleep listening to my mp3, everytime someone opens my bedroom door (which I share with said little brother,) it bangs, makes  a nice loud scraping noise and shakes the bed. Then the shouting begins; again.

I absolutely LOATHE being woken by shouting, the sad truth being I’m almost always woken by it. So, if I stay up a good 4/5 hours more than I should resulting in a good 4/5 hours of sleep. Far from ideal, really. Yet the gain from what IS essentially self abuse is a certain sense of calm, **it don’t matter when you’re tired because you’re tired. The day and it’s events seem further away and hence, easier to deal with. Not to mention I get a good 4/5 hours to myself where I can just relax and do what I want be it work/watching videos/playing games – anything. Sure it’s dark and it’s colder at night but that is no different from during the day for me (except in summer, when I cannot see any sort of computer screen for the life of me,) and the only prominent difference is the lack of other, stupid, pathetic, ignorant people that’re constantly shouting their dull, simple minds to oblivion.
Part 1 – fin

Part 2 –

Well the other side of the coin is anger. Or to be precise – NOT anger.

Not being angry/refusing to acknowledge anger when one clearly has reason to be so, isn’t healthy.

Yes it is polite, yes it may be socially appropriate – but those of us that are tired of fighting back or have never fought back to begin with, will eventually get to the stage where anger simply doesn’t exist to them. It just becomes frustration that is bottled and packaged away and sent ever deeper where it can do no ‘harm’.

Yet another sad truth of life is; that it does. It causes harm where you Don’t expect it to be, where you didn’t anticipate. Sure it’s obvious that you’re not in the mood, you’re angry and you’re going to find some poor undeserving soul to dish it out on.

I’m at the point where I realise now how ‘easy’ it is to not get angry when I should simply because I’m too tired to. ‘Tis also know that I realise: this must be one of the main reasons behind bullying. Misplaced anger. I’ve seen how much angrier and just filled with ugly sharp spitefulness against all those around me I have become, especially those who think they’re ‘better’ than me. Yet I realise that ‘better’ is merely a subjective point of view and can easily be misunderstood or misinterpreted but the point is that’s not going to matter when you’re angry. When you’re angry you deserve, nay, you NEED someone to hear you because if you don’t release that anger by your extraordinary exercise of  willpower then you will explode. Anger is a ticking time bomb and the more you ignore it the more explosive and damaging it becomes.

So, instead of releasing my anger I just ignore the shouting, I ignore and try to get past the ignorance and I stay up late to slowly, peacefully mull things over and just have time to myself.
Yet people won’t recognise it, people won’t see that  I’m deliberately staying up late because it makes me happy and they simply see it as me not caring or not trying. Sure I’m not angry and not bothered to stand up for myself so clearly I must just be lazy because I don’t ‘seem’ angry or upset at all.

Here’s the point where I step back and like to imagine just snapping, grabbing a knife or just anything that would make a nice thudding or slicing noise and just take away the lives of those most troublesome people the way they’ve taken away the functionality and enjoyment of so much of mine.

People are ignorant, about self abuse and the reasons behind it and so many other things in life including bullying. I don’t know about you but I was bullied in school, sure it wasn’t that ‘much’ I guess but it was for an extended period of my time and when you’re young it means the whole world. Even when you’re older, it the consequences of which are devastating and even you may not understand the full effects of it.

I’m not saying bullying is good, I’m saying look at those who do it, they’re usually overweight, have terrible home lives with divorced parents and they usually look tired and poor and just not very nice. That’s because they’ve got issues to deal with and they’re misplacing their anger onto you. I’m not condoning what they do, whilst it is definitely guided and fuelled by the actions of others, the individual still has their freedom and right to choose no matter what.

My bullying stopped because I chose to fight against it, I released some of my anger back towards them so that they would leave me and my friend alone – and they did but not without loss on my part, it was a botched series of actions that eventually culminated in an event which sorted that little problem indefinitely.

That’s what I advise anyone who’s ever suffered or continues to suffer for bullying, realise that they have their reasons to bully just as you have your own reasons not to. Do something nice for them, be the best person you can be and in spite of all their horrid actions, be nice to them. There’s always the possibility that your entirely unwarranted kindness may provoke a change of heart in them but do NOT let them walk over you. Defend yourself or you will suffer far greater consequences for being the passive, albeit better person.

Self abuse is caused by abuse from others, usually largely unintentional or unnoticed resulting in the abusee believing they’re to blame, that it’s their fault and then blaming themselves for what is essentially the actions of others.

I know I am an incredibly angry person and woe to anyone who ever truly angers me. If anyone has any good solutions/tactics/strategies for dealing with anger please share them. I’m sure I’m not the only one who could use them.

In the meantime I guess I’ll just keep trying to not stay up quite so late and keep searching for ways to express my anger, whilst trying not to let others just take control and walk over me and somehow managing to get up the courage to fight back for just that bit longer.

In the grand scheme of things, it’ll all be over soon, I hope.