Archive for the ‘Splitting’ Category

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Celebrity Worship Syndrome

November 7, 2011

I searched this knowing that I would find some kind of mental illness attached to it. I didn’t know it would be so in depth though. The reason I’m writing this is for one reason. Merrill Osmond (who I will call MO in this article) of the Osmond Brothers is retiring. So what? You say.

Well when someone in your family has CWS and their celebrity obsessee is retiring, you will worry.

Let me give you a few wiki excerts about CWS:

“Psychologists in the U.S.A. and UK. created a celebrity worship scale to rate the problems. In 2002, United States psychologists Lynn McCutcheon, Rense Lange, and James Houran introduced the Celebrity Attitude Scale, a 34 item scale administered to 262 persons living in central Florida.[4] McCutcheon et al. suggested that celebrity worship comprised one dimension in which lower scores on the scale involved individualistic behavior such as watching, listening to, reading and learning about celebrities whilst the higher levels of worship are characterized by empathy, over-identification, and obsession with the celebrity.

However, later research among larger UK samples have suggested there are 3 different aspects to celebrity worship;[5] John Maltby (University of Leicester), and the aforementioned psychologists examined the Celebrity Attitude Scale among 1732 United Kingdom respondents (781 males, 942 females) who were aged between 14 and 62 years and found the following 3 dimensions to celebrity worship:

Entertainment-social

This dimension comprises attitudes that fans are attracted to a favorite celebrity because of their perceived ability to entertain and become a social focus such as “I love to talk with others who admire my favorite celebrity” and “I like watching and hearing about my favorite celebrity when I am with a large group of people”.

Intense-personal

Intense-personal aspect of celebrity worship reflects intensive and compulsive feelings about the celebrity, akin to the obsessional tendencies of fans often referred to in the literature; for example “I share with my favorite celebrity a special bond that cannot be described in words” and “When something bad happens to my favorite celebrity I feel like it happened to me’”.

Borderline-pathological

This dimension is typified by uncontrollable behaviors and fantasies regarding scenarios involving their celebrities, such as “I have frequent thoughts about my favorite celebrity, even when I don’t want to” and “my favorite celebrity would immediately come to my rescue if I needed any type of help”. ”

Now I would say that most of us experience the first one. We have a favorite celebrity and if something of theirs comes out to buy then we’ll buy it, this one doesn’t seem to be a large problem. The second one sounds like a lot of the fans who say “Justin Bieber is my life” and they are usually quite young. They generally grow out of it as they mature. Now the 3rd one shows some mental health problems, delusional thoughts about someone they don’t know personally.

My mother is the majority intense- personal but can be borderline-pathological.

“Evidence indicates that poor mental health is correlated with celebrity worship. Researchers have examined the relationship between celebrity worship and mental health in United Kingdom adult samples. Maltby et al. (2001) found evidence to suggest that the intense-personal celebrity worship dimension was related to higher levels of depression and anxiety. Similarly, Maltby et al., in 2004, found that the intense-personal celebrity worship dimension was not only related to higher levels of depression and anxiety, but also higher levels of stress, negative affect, and reports of illness.”

People who become obsessed with things generally have a problem. They have holes in their lives that they fill with things, routines and people. It’s normal to want to do it but sometimes it can go too far.

Celebrity Worship syndrome I would say is one of the main causes of my BPD. My mother’s obsession lead to me feeling lesser than MO and less loved than he was by her. She would pay and still does hundreds of pounds of items of his clothing or stupid items he had touched. They hang on her bedroom walls along with thousands (literally) of pictures and posters of him. She turned the marital bedroom into a shrine and my dad now has his own room. She has no money and numerous credit cards. She works to so she can see MO while my dad worked for me and mum. Everything she did and does is for him. She would leave frequently to other contries to where he was often leaving me with a very mentally unwell father. My feelings of abandonment come from my mother leaving me for MO more than once a year, without telling me beforehand so as not to upset me. Although not being told meant that she would leave unexpectedly and it made like seem very unpredictable. It often reminds of the Strange Situation I started off as the secure child, crying when she left, happy she was home but the more and more it happened the more I became Anxious-resistant insecure, I would cry when she left and when she came home, I would be resistant and not want to see her and accept her holiday present with reluctance. It was a difficult pattern and when your parent has CWS you start to hate the Celebrity more and more. She believes that MO can solves all of her problems, he can cure her sorrows and troubles. She won’t listen if you tell her that he will never fall in love with her and that he isn’t interested in making her life better because he has his own life. He may recognise her when she goes to see him but when she pours out her soul about all of her problems, he can’t do anything about it and he knows it’s not his place to. In ways he has crossed boundaries because he is such a nice person and does want to help but then she sees this as him loving her and wanting to save her from her misery. I remember when I met MO it felt very strange, he was so lovely that I wondered why I hated him in the first place, then I realised I shouldn’t have been directing my hatred towards him because it’s not his fault he’s alive. Then it started turning more towards my mother. She believes she is in love with him. But infatuation and obsession is not love. It’s not love at all.

Just thinking about it is reducing me to tears. She always loved him more and she still does. Dad has even said it too, she loves MO more than both of us. Now MO is retiring at the end of next year and I’m scared mum is going to die. She always told me if anything happened and she couldn’t see him again she would kill herself. If I died she wouldn’t kill herself because she would still have MO in her life. Surely it should be the other way around?

How am I supposed to deal with that? How as I child was I supposed to deal with that? Knowing you aren’t as good as some strange in your mothers life.

Edit: I remembered I had this picture that I took of a list I found written by my mother.

If you can’t read it, it says.

List of blessings that I am grateful for!

Merrill.

My hair.

A good pair of working eyes.

My beautiful cat.

Microwave.

Savannah (I scribbled out my real name on paint to protect anon)

I was last on her list and in a different pen to everything else, meaning I wasn’t originally added but was thought about at a later point. Sure I’m on the list I guess but to be below the microwave and her hair…

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Competing.

June 25, 2011

So here I am, decided against self harm so I’m not a dissapointment and decide to go on a late night stroll. There’s not many people out and It’s deathly quiet so I thought I’d do some writing.

I thought I would write about the 3 people who (are supposed) to love me most. My parents and my husband. All 3 of them have something in common, something that drains the life out of me on a daily basis and makes the hole inside of me bigger.

Obsessions.

Now, from a young age I have had to compete against my parents obsessions, Merrill Osmond of the Osmond Brothers and Football. I always knew my mum loved Merrill more than me and my dad would never stop talking about football. The only way to ever be with them was to go to an Osmond concert or go to the football. Otherwise I was alone. I felt neglected for these obsessions, passions, whatever you want to call them and It meant I was always fighting for their love and attention although I never believed they would love me more than those things. I was fighting a losing battle so at one point I guess I just gave up fighting for their love and accepted that I wouldn’t get it and I didn’t want to keep havig to do what they wanted to be with them, I wanted to be their choice not their option. My dad has started to be with me more, my mum has never changed.

My husband spends more time gaming than he spends being with me. It feels like exactly the same thing I’ve got through, I feel neglected, unloved and at some points I just leave because I would rather sit in a dark street than sit in a room with my husband feeling more lonely than ever. You can feel lonely if you are alone but the worst lonliness is when you’re with other people and they choose
Not to be with you. At that point, I just wish I didn’t exist, to see if that would make them come away from their obsession and see that I’m alive too.

I’ve screamed, I’ve cried, I’ve cut. In the end they use their passions to further ignore. All of these people have been damaged in their childhood and need something to fill a hole, yet I don’t seem to fit the bill and that makes my hole even bigger.

I try and justify it by thinking maybe it’s just me, maybe I make it all up. Maybe I just want attention too much. Maybe they get so damn sick of me that It’s my fault they would rather be elsewhere and with other people. Maybe if I were better they might love me enough to fill that gap. And that I come back to reality and go and cut myself again.

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Disgusting.

November 21, 2010

Well from the last post you can tell what a disgusting little shit I am. God, shouldn’t I be executed. No, I shouldnt be dissapointed at all, no surprises at all, it’s how I see myself when I’m in utter deep depression but I didn’t know so much that others saw me that way too! I’m always enemy number 1 in my world, I can’t get things right, I’m just a general big fuck up. And a pitiful one at that. I shouldn’t expect good things because then I’ll only be unhappy. I regret promising not to hurt myself really because now the only punishment is not being able to be punished and I’m sure so many would love to beat me as my parents loved to for being such a “useless child” as they would say. Give me an excuse to do something crazy or put the mental bitch down. This week 2 people in my life died, I found a dead cat in the road and my dad’s CPN is leaving so I can joyfully be his carer for the rest of his awful life. And I deserve it all, I don’t deserve to feel anything for these things, why should I be allowed to cry. Useless and disgusting.

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The Other Side- By J.

November 16, 2010

BPD means to me someone who is essentially confused, not by their own fault and not to imply that they are in any way mentally deficient, but confused in the sense that to others, they appear to understand little of their own desires. Although to a BPD sufferer, it may feel perfectly natural to be feeling fine one minute, then self destructive for no apparent logical reason the next – to an outsider this can be very difficult to understand.

BPD has affected me in the sense of how I understand and react to someone I hold truly very dear to my heart. Their mood does change a lot, sometimes without warning, sometimes for long periods, sometimes it just seems to change for the sake of it – but that’s okay. Sure it may be difficult to come to terms with, yet deep down all they ultimately desire is loving care and attention. The great cartoon S posted on here before summarised this perfectly:
“You’re going to abandon me like all the others, aren’t you?”
“No. I won’t.”
“Yes, you will.”
“No, I won’t. Look I’m not going to fulfil your stupid abandonment complex!”
“You would if you loved me.”

While it is easy to understand the second person’s point of view, the first person is just worried, probably from a history of firsthand experience, of how people have strongly tended to abandon them with little reason throughout their life. Hence the expectation and questioning fear that the same is going to happen again and also then suggesting an illogical method of the other proving their love to them.

Emotionally, the extremes do tend to run high – for both parties involved. Partner A gets mad/angry/upset/depressed for any reason, Partner B responds (at the very least internally,) in kind. Unchecked, this can quickly escalate beyond all proportion (especially if Partner B has a tendency to initiate arguments already – my bad) however reasoning behind Partner A’s emotional change in the first place can be flawed or merely a misinterpretation of an otherwise harmless situation. That’s not to say that they don’t have very good reason to be feeling the way they do, just that to others this reason is excessive, sometimes to the point of absurdity. Nevertheless, it is still entirely real for Partner A to be feeling the way they do.

It is difficult to explain, moreso is how one can develop BPD. My knowledge of it has been the sad truth of a tale of neglect, ignorant, arrogant, selfish treatment and quintessentially a lack of tender loving care. Suffice to say, fail to attend to someone’s needs, constantly be completely unreliable and then fail to apologise or even recognise your misdoings and you are allowing said person in your care to develop a personality disorder such as BPD as a coping strategy for everything you have put them through.

BPD can have far reaching and long term implications. Firstly, mood stability can, for the large part, be quite literally thrown asunder as the BPD sufferer reflects all of the emotional instability and inconsistency they have experienced onto others. Secondly, you or someone you care about has BPD be prepared to make concessions and to be as understanding as possible for what they yearn for most is someone who is going to be there and love them no matter what they say/do/feel/like/dislike at any given time of day! Whether or not they’ve just told you how they can’t see themselves surviving with or without you (assuming you’re the lover of said sufferer,) and have self harmed already in that day alone, what you must do is simply be there for them. Try to make them understand that you are there to help, that you are going to keep being there and that your love is entirely 100% unconditional. Okay so maybe it might not ‘actually’ be 100% unconditional (I think you have to draw the line somewhere, for me it would be something along the lines of wanting a sex change…) but they need to feel that way regardless.

Similarly, personally I have a habit of starting arguments (although I prefer the term discussions,) over simple things with unsurpassed ease! Although I think of it as being an interesting dialogue between two persons….. My dear S, for the most part, sees it simple as how we always argue; how we don’t get along and how we aren’t meant to be together. Now, honestly I am not trying to start arguments for the sake of arguments but to her it seems that way. To her it seems that what I consider utterly trivial becomes utterly essential – thus expressing the true core of our relationship – that we argue too much and aren’t right for each other and as much as I know that it will hurt her reading this, I know that is how it makes her feel. What I, therefore, need to do is to limit arguments as much as possible, to hold my tongue (for the majority of the time anyway ;P) and to try to approach and word the discussion differently in order to minimise any potentiality of an undesirable eventuality resulting in severe upset and emotional pain (which as always, poses the risk of leading to physical pain) for S. In contrast, what she must do is attend her CBT sessions and to try and understand things in a more… colourful view which doesn’t simply state any given situation as being either entirely unhappy or entirely perfect. I wish I could do more to help her, I really do, yet all I can say is to simply hang in there, keep trying and keep attempting to realise things in a broader, less extremist sense!

Lastly, why do I put up with all this crap? Simple. I love her, I want to be with her and by god I won’t let anyone or anything get in my way. I don’t care if she can be incredibly moody all the damn time because I love her for it! I love her for all the little quirks that make her her and I do my best to see the real her that can be hidden away behind emotional barriers and defence mechanisms because it just makes me love her even more.

THAT is why I put up with her. ❤

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Splitting, Dying and Risperidone.

October 6, 2010

Don’t worry guys I’m not dying, It all fits in with my 2nd CBT session which I forgot to write about, oops. Well last Tuesday I wrote a post about some horrible nostalgia I was feeling, it ended in a full blown panic attack of self harm, tears and feeling like I was really dying. The feelings I had inside of me of such panic and fear make me feel like it was really the end. I was sure I was going to die right then and there, one stupid thing I didn’t think was to take my medication, I was in such a state I forgot I even had them and since then I’ve been taking them everyday (they are to take when needed) because the initial panic attack causes days of anxiety to follow. I can’t explain how it feels but I thought “feeling like this makes me want to die”, it’s so painful, so frightening it seems like there is no way out. It now reminds me of a song by a friend of mine, let me share some words with you to explain:

“Familiar claws pierce into my skin as the rush of fear overwhelms me, I am alone, I am torn open again.”

“You watch me slowly unravel to the floor as the world stops turning, Fragments borne of the shattered self too small to piece back together again.

Through the hazy mist of tears hasty glances, Walking by now rustling papers to drown out the sound of the girl going crazy and losing the will to live.”

My biggest fear is losing love. So any small kink in my relationship sends me into a fearful frenzy because I know that if it ended then I wouldn’t last very long. I know it sounds extreme but to feel that panic and fear  is unbearable even for a minute let alone months even years. The last time I had a panic attack this bad I ended up in hospital and was told I would be put on the psych ward but of course they didn’t have any space so sent me home, suicidal and unsafe. I think from experience I know that the feeling of the attack did dissapear so I think that knowledge is what kept me going through this one. And sleeping, sleeping definately saved me. Fortunately I had a CBT appointment the next morning, I was in shaking, sweating and when I sat down I couldn’t keep myself from rocking to calm the nausea. Dr L got me some water and put the bin next to me incase I was feeling sick and I explained how I felt and why I felt that way. She didn’t make it the same as the first CBT session because she could tell I was in a bad way. She took a while teaching me breathing exercises to calm my breathing which reduced my heart rate by about ten beats per minute but still very high nontheless. I spoke to her about my nerves about J’s birthday and how I was worried about him turning 18 and going off into the world without me. Once again she weighed up evidence for and against my fears and made me feel safer. One thing that surprised me was that she picked up on some serious splitting and impulsivity within what I was saying and I didn’t even notice it. Acting upon these bad feelings immediately and either self harming, trying to kill myself or ending my relationship for some unknown reason just felt like a way to release the bad feelings, I didn’t notice the trademark BPD impulsivity. I saw my BPD traits as the self harm and the tantrums, I knew I had impulsivity and splitting but not to such an extent she made me realise. She explained how what I was telling her all seemed very black and white and I just couldn’t believe I’d never noticed how black and white it really was. I would never give myself a middle ground. It’s either feel this way forever or die. Get mad at boyfriend, immediately leave him. There’s no thinking through, no middle ground, I was shocked. I’d never felt so borderline in my life! I’m grateful for Dr L she helps me see things I don’t even notice. I must admit though from past experience I have started being less impulsive and recognising that feelings will pass and things will be okay. Thinking things through has become a small habit, I only do it when It’s life or death but I guess it’s a start and the best possible time. 

I explained how CAMHS had dealt with these attacks so she had an understanding of how terrible it’d been handled before. The structure that is within CBT is so reassuring. I left there feeling a little nauseous but less so, I felt a lot better. The guilt I have from having these feelings makes everything worse. I feel guilty for having BPD and feeling how I do, yet I don’t feel in control of my own feelings most of them time. Feeling guilt over something that isn’t your fault I feel is such a big problem with Mental Illness because other people blame you for the things you cannot control.

Since all of this I’ve had to take my risperidone regularly which I’m a little worried about because my psychiatrist said it may make me obese, lovely. I don’t know when the anxiety will fade but hopefully it’ll be soon. From experience these attacks don’t happen to close to eachother even though I hope each time I’ll never have another. I have noticed a difference this time though, I’ve never had meds to help me through and now I do.

Well that was my update for now, It shows I’m feeling better because I’m able to write again. Keep going. Savannah xx