Archive for the ‘Therapy’ Category

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The last week.

May 27, 2011


I have no energy to do anything. The smallest thing just seem likes the biggest chore and can even bring me to tears. I’m not sure what’s happening to me or what will happen to me. I have my last session with Dr L next week, I asked her if I could finish last Wednesday but she said my session is still there for me and she wouldn’t take my session away. So it looks like I’m going. I struggled to deal with my second last session, all I kept saying in my head was “please don’t leave me, please please don’t leave me.” I couldn’t bear it and I don’t know how I’m supposed to deal with next week, Dr L is leaving me, forever. I had to explain to her that if she gone then I have to forget she exists otherwise it hurts too much. She mentioned maybe seeing me again in a couple of month for a one off session and I threw it back in her face of course, I can’t go through losing her twice. I think the worst thing about next week will be when I walk out of those doors and I know I’m not allowed to hug her goodbye. When someone leaves, it feels like they die, I go into mourning. Whenever my mum would leave I pretended she didn’t exist because then she wasn’t abandoning me because she didn’t exist and this has become my defence mechanism since. Not a good one as it happens when people leave for short periods of time too, sometimes I forget they exist so if they haven’t spoken to me for a while then I can’t be hurt. Although this means that I’m not good at keeping in contact with friends because I’m too bust trying to defend myself and forcing myself to forget them while trying to remember them so I don’t genuinely lose them. Dr L understands that If we’re going to finish our sessions now, I can’t have one random session in a month and then leave it because it’d just be a mess, I’d turn up and probably just spend the whole time telling her how mad I am at her for leaving me and then forcing me to relive the abandonment again by having to see her one last time (again). I think it’s best to leave it next Wednesday. It’s best to just end it and I can mourne her for however long feels right and then forget she ever existed. I know she may worry that this ending may make me worse and to be honest It will probably leave me reluctant to have any other treatment as she said the only way I will get the treatment I need is to pay for it as no one is going to give me long term treatment on the NHS (pile ofs**t), It’s a disgrace really. This kind of “treatment” makes people with personality disorders WORSE not better because they get so far and oops NHS won’t give you anymore treatment and suddenly you’re abandoned in the middle of a potential break-through and you don’t know what to do about it because there isn’t really much you can do other than try and fix yourself. Or lock yourself away and cry? What do you do when someone tells you “you need long term treatment but no one can offer it and you sure as hell can’t afford it”, do you give up? Do you sell yourself to fund said treatment? What the hell do you do?

Just, please don’t leave me.

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Moving on.

January 3, 2011

To move on from your past is almost an impossible thing as your past moulds who you are. To literally move on as in geographically seems almost as impossible for me. I have a chance to get away forever, to start a new life, start afresh away from the place where all my life I have grown and been broken down. You may think, how great to be able to get away finally. But no, It doesn’t feel great. I have lived here 18 years, although it holds horrible memories, it is what I have always known. To change everything is completely petrifying.

Of course I want to get away but I feel the same way with it as I do about my anxiety. I don’t want the anxiety but it’s what I’ve always known and it keeps me safe. My room is my safe place, it always has been. To change the familiar is like throwing yourself into a pit of fear and never ending anxiety with stabbing pains all over your body.

I admire people who can be happy about new changes that will no doubt improve their lives but it’s like I can’t be happy because of those fears and anxieties. If I leave, I have to be completely independent and it means I HAVE to cope. I’m forcing myself to cope and it could have quite dangerous consequences. It is inevitably throwing myself right into the deep end. The options seem to be that I’ll either paddle well for a little while and then sink or first sink to the bottom until I can learn to swim in it. I do believe I will sink, very deep but it’s only to be expected, it’s scary I won’t be happy about it at first. But I know that gradually I will learn. If I had to do it alone I know I would be much worse off and wouldn’t be leaving anyway. It is J that is helping me move forward in life, even if it’s only a small step forward and then I have time to be depressed, readjust and maybe not move forward anymore for a little while. It’s a big thing to do and everything needs to move forward a small bit at a time to prevent an emotional breakdown. I feel luck to have someone who understand that I need to takes things a lot slower than “normal” people. That I can’t just walk out of the door everyday with a smile on my face and that sometimes I may not even be able to walk out of the door.

Understanding is key and I know sometimes he may not understand but his caring and love for me is understand for him to not have to understand all of what’s going on. The amount of support he’s willing to give me is like a voice saying “You’ve got this far and now he’s here to make it all better. He will allow you to heal.” But then to not be able to support him in the same way will make me feel selfish, I just hope my emotional support is of more worth than financial support.

And let’s hope the panic attacks stop! I have therapy again on wednesday after 2 weeks, I’m not sure If I’m looking forward to it. When I told Dr L I was moving and that I was excited she asked me a lot of questions I didn’t have the answer to. “How will you cope when he’s not at home?” “What about meeting new people?” Therapy can sometimes have the opposite effect. I was thinking of the positives yet she brought up the negatives, It made me confused but then understandable that she would ask me such things because she knows I would block those things out and then break when I have to tackle them. I just don’t want to think about the bads thigns because hopefully they wouldn’t happen and I’d just cope. As I always have.

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Dr L: session 9.

November 27, 2010

Well…where do I start.

1) I humiliated myself.

2) I have made no progress.

3) I cried.

4) Dr L isn’t sure what to do with me.

5) With an end I can’t make progress.

 

With the limit of 5 months being set it has become clear to Dr L that there is no possibility to make progress as I am constantly worrying about the end being nigh. With the end being near it means that I can’t do things slowly and will constantly try and get ahead of myself because of knowing there will be an end. Dr L asked me how I felt about there being an ending and here comes the humiliation of bursting into tears and sobbing “please don’t leave me, you’re the only person who’s every really tried and been able to help me”. That’s it, I thought. I’m attached and when the sessions end, I am going to have a nervous breakdown, she’s there for me every week and she’s my weekly constant. I’ve never had a constant. I feel like I can release everything from the week all at once and it feels like such a relief. I just can’t lose that and I don’t want to think about when it’s gone because I’ll feel completely vulnerable and lost again. I can’t bear to be back there again. Even if I’ve made no progress and even if I never do, the fact that I feel safe that I can see Dr L every week would mean I had more chances of surviving this. She said about adding a few more sessions onto the end but I don’t know what that will help. She’s going to leave me at some point. I can’t cope with it. I don’t want to hate her, I really don’t but I know I will be so angry at her for leaving me to fend for myself. Dr SJS doesn’t seem to understand why I can’t make immediate progress. I said I’d had a month of sessions and nothing had really changed yet and he seemed baffled and concluded that maybe CBT wouldn’t help me at all. Maybe his previous patients have progressed immediately and suddenly been “cured” which I highly doubt. He’s so very blunt with me, sometimes it can be quite harsh.

 

But anyway, Dr L, It’s not going to be a pretty sight when I can’t see you anymore.

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The Other Side- By J.

November 16, 2010

BPD means to me someone who is essentially confused, not by their own fault and not to imply that they are in any way mentally deficient, but confused in the sense that to others, they appear to understand little of their own desires. Although to a BPD sufferer, it may feel perfectly natural to be feeling fine one minute, then self destructive for no apparent logical reason the next – to an outsider this can be very difficult to understand.

BPD has affected me in the sense of how I understand and react to someone I hold truly very dear to my heart. Their mood does change a lot, sometimes without warning, sometimes for long periods, sometimes it just seems to change for the sake of it – but that’s okay. Sure it may be difficult to come to terms with, yet deep down all they ultimately desire is loving care and attention. The great cartoon S posted on here before summarised this perfectly:
“You’re going to abandon me like all the others, aren’t you?”
“No. I won’t.”
“Yes, you will.”
“No, I won’t. Look I’m not going to fulfil your stupid abandonment complex!”
“You would if you loved me.”

While it is easy to understand the second person’s point of view, the first person is just worried, probably from a history of firsthand experience, of how people have strongly tended to abandon them with little reason throughout their life. Hence the expectation and questioning fear that the same is going to happen again and also then suggesting an illogical method of the other proving their love to them.

Emotionally, the extremes do tend to run high – for both parties involved. Partner A gets mad/angry/upset/depressed for any reason, Partner B responds (at the very least internally,) in kind. Unchecked, this can quickly escalate beyond all proportion (especially if Partner B has a tendency to initiate arguments already – my bad) however reasoning behind Partner A’s emotional change in the first place can be flawed or merely a misinterpretation of an otherwise harmless situation. That’s not to say that they don’t have very good reason to be feeling the way they do, just that to others this reason is excessive, sometimes to the point of absurdity. Nevertheless, it is still entirely real for Partner A to be feeling the way they do.

It is difficult to explain, moreso is how one can develop BPD. My knowledge of it has been the sad truth of a tale of neglect, ignorant, arrogant, selfish treatment and quintessentially a lack of tender loving care. Suffice to say, fail to attend to someone’s needs, constantly be completely unreliable and then fail to apologise or even recognise your misdoings and you are allowing said person in your care to develop a personality disorder such as BPD as a coping strategy for everything you have put them through.

BPD can have far reaching and long term implications. Firstly, mood stability can, for the large part, be quite literally thrown asunder as the BPD sufferer reflects all of the emotional instability and inconsistency they have experienced onto others. Secondly, you or someone you care about has BPD be prepared to make concessions and to be as understanding as possible for what they yearn for most is someone who is going to be there and love them no matter what they say/do/feel/like/dislike at any given time of day! Whether or not they’ve just told you how they can’t see themselves surviving with or without you (assuming you’re the lover of said sufferer,) and have self harmed already in that day alone, what you must do is simply be there for them. Try to make them understand that you are there to help, that you are going to keep being there and that your love is entirely 100% unconditional. Okay so maybe it might not ‘actually’ be 100% unconditional (I think you have to draw the line somewhere, for me it would be something along the lines of wanting a sex change…) but they need to feel that way regardless.

Similarly, personally I have a habit of starting arguments (although I prefer the term discussions,) over simple things with unsurpassed ease! Although I think of it as being an interesting dialogue between two persons….. My dear S, for the most part, sees it simple as how we always argue; how we don’t get along and how we aren’t meant to be together. Now, honestly I am not trying to start arguments for the sake of arguments but to her it seems that way. To her it seems that what I consider utterly trivial becomes utterly essential – thus expressing the true core of our relationship – that we argue too much and aren’t right for each other and as much as I know that it will hurt her reading this, I know that is how it makes her feel. What I, therefore, need to do is to limit arguments as much as possible, to hold my tongue (for the majority of the time anyway ;P) and to try to approach and word the discussion differently in order to minimise any potentiality of an undesirable eventuality resulting in severe upset and emotional pain (which as always, poses the risk of leading to physical pain) for S. In contrast, what she must do is attend her CBT sessions and to try and understand things in a more… colourful view which doesn’t simply state any given situation as being either entirely unhappy or entirely perfect. I wish I could do more to help her, I really do, yet all I can say is to simply hang in there, keep trying and keep attempting to realise things in a broader, less extremist sense!

Lastly, why do I put up with all this crap? Simple. I love her, I want to be with her and by god I won’t let anyone or anything get in my way. I don’t care if she can be incredibly moody all the damn time because I love her for it! I love her for all the little quirks that make her her and I do my best to see the real her that can be hidden away behind emotional barriers and defence mechanisms because it just makes me love her even more.

THAT is why I put up with her. ❤

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Reality.

November 7, 2010

I felt like I really pissed my therapist off this week by being “difficult” but then I realised if I was willing to do everything she suggested and was able to do all these things with ease then I wouldn’t need to be there in the first place. Her job is to deal with me being difficult otherwise would I really be ill? I do live in a bubble. Reality from a young age has only done me wrong and therefore I have decided to stay away from reality. Thus ending in having to see a psychiatrist. My therapist says that living in my bubble is what makes me depressed but really it’s the small glimpses of reality that seep into my bubble that cause terror and despair. The idea of leaving my bubble almost breaks me. If I face reality, I see a failure, a reject and someone not worth anything who is destined to be poor with a family riddled with mental illness. In my bubble, I am a writer, an achiever, I am going to be married and have a family and live with happiness and security. And why can’t my bubble beliefs become reality? I pray they do but they are so knocked when reality does rear it’s ugly head. I know I’m hiding, I’m not oblivious to this.

Sometimes I do try to come back to reality, I have a positive moment, I start planning things I can do and then I think and think and something panics me and I retreat again. I curse my brain for letting me even consider stepping out of the bubble and then try and regather my thoughts and the reasons why I hide. I am safe. The thoughts of reality are the thoughts that threaten my life not the ones inside the bubble. The fear is that I know one day I will have to leave. Or will I? I’m just trying to have a simple life, my life up to this point has been chaotic and unpredictable, can you blame me for wanting simplicity. I’ve been severly weakened and just want a peaceful, simple life. Marriage, kids, a simple job, minimal chaos, no…madness. I’m not saying having a family is easy but I’m saying I don’t want years of travelling, degrees, difficulties. I should have been born in the time where life was all drawn out for you, everyone had the same life, the man went to work, the women had children and husbands and were looked after. I was born in the wrong era. I long to be looked after throughout my life, I want to be cared for, loved. I won’t put a career before family, I want my family to be happy, I want to care for them and be cared for by my husband in return. I want simple structure. I just want to be happy. I don’t care if I’m living in the old days, if it makes me happy who are people to judge.

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General Update.

November 3, 2010

I’ve been finding it very hard to write lately because I’ve been feeling so down. It’s strange because I can usually churn out a post a day but with such a low mood, it’s like my brain has stopped functioning. My appointments were absolutely horrible this week. I saw my psych Dr SJS on tuesday just for a monthly check up and I told him about my depressive moods with no emotions and he said if I get worse I may have to go on anti depressents with is the last thing he wants to do because it’d be putting me at risk of bipolar. So yesterday I spent the day in a bit of a wreck thinking I had to suffer either way. Today was my CBT with Dr L, she spoke about my future and how she doesn’t know how she can help me much because of the way I get so distressed at everyday things, we don’t have much time to work together so she said all she could really do was help me with a few little things I could do each day to help myself. I just felt like she given me a death sentence, she basically said I was beyond help. She knows I need long term treatment yet can’t offer me more, that’s not my fault. I feel at a loss right now. I’ve had a lot of “those” thoughts but I can’t do it, I SHed a little and even that was something I kind of convinced myself to do to relieve the thoughts. I’m lacking purpose, I’m not really sure what I’m here for, If I’m here to suffer then I’d rather not. I know I carry on for my fiance and without him I’m not sure where I’d be. I’ve been pushing him away a lot because I just believe I’m going to ruin his whole life but he won’t go away, thank god he’s stubborn.

Sometimes I think I push him away so that I know he’ll fight to stay. And he always does but there’s a limit. I could never forgive myself if I pushed him too far but then sometimes I do feel I’m trying to save him from all of this crap. How completely ridiculous is all of this? Ergh, early night I think, I need sleep.

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Dr L part 4: Not much to report.

October 20, 2010

I think if I tell you about every session with Dr L it will only get you terribly repetitive. We talked about my fear of recovery affecting my writing, she reassured me that recovery is the key to real life changing writing. That my writing won’t dissapear because I can’t write about being ill but it will give so much more to write about. I told her about how I called a friend about a problem I was having and she had a grin on her face (I have dependency problems and only really go to my boyfriend about my issues). I don’t know…I don’t feel that CBT after only 4 sessions can suddenly have a big change on my life so I don’t want to think of it that way as we haven’t have enough time to really work through things thouroughly enough. I’ll just see them as random acts that I chose to do on my ways to recovery- which is fricking terrifying.

Now after my appointment my dad’s psych arranged an appointment for him straight after which I attended. His CPN, B, was also there. B knows me well as I’m always there when he comes to see dad. I recognised Dr G and wonder if she had some role in my childhood like my psych Dr SJS, I mean the receptionist welcomes my dad by first name when he comes in. Anyway, this was all to do with my dad’s increased anxiety and restlessness and they came to the conclusion to remove the Citilopram and carry on with sodium valporate and risperidone. So if he’s down in the next week I’ll know why. I think I fear Mania and Psychosis more than Depression and B is going to be coming over every now and then to see how things are. Then we spoke about the MH social groups dad attends and how they are now making people pay if they have over a certain amount of income. Unlucky for dad he’s just got an endowment through and the mortgage is already paid so now he is above the limit of money and would have to pay £35 a week to go to his groups. What a joke. According to the bank, the benefits dad’s getting right now means that all his money will be gone in 5 years. This is before any cuts. So he may be losing a social group, which is so beneficial and all because he has money and doesn’t want to pay £35 a week because of household bills already eating £400 a month of his money. Is anyone really winning with this?

Anyway, Dr G said that apparently if you’ve been hospitalised and classified as section 3 then you can get it free whatever money you earn but dad had only been section 2. So dad mimicked strangling me and we all laughed…I felt a little uncomfortable though.

The things you have to find funny when your life is crap, eh? So basically…dad’s being taken off anti D’s and he’s too rich and not crazy enough to have free socialisation …Hm.